No, I assure you that you aren’t stuck in an episode of Black Mirror. The tweet below is a genuine (I checked, twice) communication from the Tory party, whose lovely Michele Donelan announced at their autumn conference to a lecture hall packed with braying morons that science is TOO WOKE* and one of their ‘Long-term decisions for a Brighter Future’ is to STOP this wokery.
Kick it out.
Wokeness has no place in science.
Whatever the fuck that even means.
*Yes, I am aware that they’re basically dogwhistling transphobes but I refuse to even give this any credence because they’re all fucking disgusting and can get in the sea. Thank you.
This has come in the same week that Prime Minister Rishi Sunak has stated that 20MPH speed limits ‘do not represent British Values‘ (presumably we’re all very pro-mowing down kids outside schools here in Blighty?) and the party has also proudly announced they will stop councils from implementing 15 minute cities, because if there’s one thing we all know to be true, it’s that it’s awful to be able to get to a shop or a GP by simply walking there inside a quarter of an hour.
And let’s not forget last week’s scrapping of the whole ‘seven bins’ madness (that doesn’t exist) and the (entirely fictitious) meat tax that (apparently) made up a heavy handed Net Zero strategy because Fuck The Environment, I guess.
‘So, what’s next on the Tory manifesto?’ you ask.
I have a sneak peek of Rishi’s pledges right here!
This is straight from a top secret document stolen from the Conservative conference (from the same place I managed to source these Tory Top Tips).
The 2024 Conservative manifesto, leaked from the Tory Conference
We will kick woke ideology out of sausages
Everything we do not like is woke. You’re woke. and so’s your mum.
We will STOP Labour’s plan to nationalise trousers
We will not stand for it!
We will NEVER ALLOW loony lefty lawyers to stop you having picnics in your own garden
We will stand up for the rights of the British people, enough is enough!
We will BRING BACK Great British White Sliced Bread
None of this liberal lefty namby pamby seeded gluten free sourdough crumpets.
We will BAN berets in shopping centres
They simply do not align with British Values. Top hats to be made mandatory.
We will NEVER make immigrants move into your house and STEAL your wife
Immigration is the reason your life sucks and you can’t afford your weekly shop, not your incompetent government. Honest.
We will NOT ALLOW the banning of Yorkshire Puddings on roast chicken dinners
The demands of the British public are our first priority.
We will put MONEY BACK IN THE POCKETS of hard working Telex Operators
And pearl stringers. And MPs.
We will NOT ALLOW the WOKE BBC to push their pro-nature agenda
David Attenborough will be traded with Qatar for oil.
We will NEVER force all teachers to be drag queens
Feather boas to be BANNED in schools.
We will make critical thinking a PUNISHABLE OFFENCE
ONLY media accredited by the Tory Propaganda Academy to be publicly available. Anyone found reporting factual information will be banned from social media.
We will BRING BACK hanging for shoplifting offences
Stealing is only acceptable when it’s the country’s wealth being stolen by MPs.
We REJECT Labour’s calls to rename Father Christmas ‘Non-gender specific Parent or Carer Festive Season’
Beware; this the future the left want!
We will make it MANDATORY for every house to have a 10×6 Suella Braverman portrait hung in their toilet
Note this measurement is in inches (minimum), as centimetres will be banned for being Eurocentric wokery.
(I fear this post appears to be getting less and less satirical; I feel this one is verging on a glimpse of our dystopian future)
We will BAN Balloons at conferences
I’d really like to know what the story is here actually; what made them put this as a specific note? Note it does not say anything about, say, bazookas or badgers or badminton rackets. What did balloons do? I hope it’s something bad.
Remember folks; don’t vote Tory!
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