God only nose what they mean: Funny malapropisms from social media

As a self-confessed grammar pedant, I could moan about common missed steaks on social media until the cowscum home. People using the wrong ‘their/there/they’re’ or the utter disc race which is the proliferation of ‘would of’ and ‘should of’ make me deep rest. However, for all intensive purposes, there is something very funny about malapropisms; that is to say, someone getting a word, saying or proverb spectacularly and often hilariously wrong.

I know you’re probably on tender hooks, so without further adieu, here we go!

Hilarious malapropisms

It all started with this screenshot, which a friend* sent me.

Let me introduce you to a friend of hoonose and fucknose: it’s godnose.

*I will keep her anonymous, because let’s face it, no one wants people to know they’ve been hanging around in a Love Island Facebook group.

It kicked off a Facebook thread of people sharing some of their favourite malapropisms and mistakes, and some of them were so good I just had to share them on the blog so they wouldn’t disappear into the social media ether.

Looking for some new furniture?

Similar to the traditional ‘Chester Draws’, with a bit more bite. At least they’re free.

You know what looks lovely with Chester Jaws? Another classic of the genre; the walldrobe.

I guess it goes against a wall so it kind of makes sense… A little bit?

Add a touch of class with this: If Shay doesn’t mind, I mean.

If your Chester jaws and walldrobe aren’t big enough to store all your sheets in, then what about the shittest superhero in the river; the Otterman?

And to finish off the look, how about a sideboard!

This one has been on a spa day and is feeling very zen.

Or you could have this oak unit, perfect for an unkempt Muslim gentleman.

Americans will not understand this one

I don’t know how autocorrect lets these slip through, but I’m glad it does.

I choose ‘Trickle’

A very common one. More so in October, mind.

Come to think of it, ‘Trickle Treating’ sounds a bit dodgy doesn’t it?

Be careful what you wish for

Wondering how this differs from ‘toad in the hole’.

Fnar.

And you know what FrogsPorn leads to, right?

You indeed cannot get better than bacon

I actually do own a mustard coloured oven mitt which I mostly use to retrieve bacon from the grill, so there’s definitely a good joke in there somewhere if I could be bothered to find it.

This one took me a while

I believe what they’re trying to say is ‘in any way, shape or form’. I want to hope that it was a voice-to-text accident but all signs point to no.

“You’re annoying me now”

Malapropisms are even funnier when the person making a total hatchet job of the English language then gets angry at someone else for not understanding what the fuck they’re going on about.

For example, this exchange on Vinted.

The name’s Meaner; Mr Meaner.

Anyone who expects people discussing sport on Twitter to make sense is bound to be bitterly disappointed, but they do occasionally come up with some accidental brilliance.