The cost of living crisis is getting very real, and very scary for a LOT of people. Even before price hikes are at their worst, there are currently millions of families in this country utilising food banks because they can’t afford to buy even the basic essentials.
But don’t worry, Tory MPs are here to help!
Recently we had the deliriously out of touch Rishi Sunak, a man so far removed from reality that he doesn’t know how tills work, trying to act like he understood the plight of the average man on the street with embarrassing results.
Then last week, the delightful Lee Anderson of ‘make people live in tents and pick potatoes’ fame, shot his mouth off blaming the rise in food bank usage, not on 12 years of Tory austerity as you might expect, but instead on people in poverty for simply not knowing how to cook.
It’s easy, says Anderson, to exist on 30p meals.
All you have to do is rustle up the funds to bulk buy the ingredients, have a handy industrial sized kitchen and catering equipment to hand, spend a full day batch cooking and hire enough freezer space to store thousands of the same, cheap and nasty sludge-based meals to defrost and shovel down yourself day in, day out until the sweet release of death.
Or, if you prefer something a bit more filling that won’t have you wondering whether it’ll be starvation or scurvy that gets you first, then according to Rachel Maclean, safeguarding minister in the Home Office, you can simply make more money by getting a better paying job.
Staggering. I Had Not Thought Of That (except I literally had, here, except THAT WAS SATIRE).
I’m now off to get myself a job as a Tory MP as it seems they will employ any old hateful moron these days. And on top of the £84k salary, you can claim £25 a day expenses for sustenance which will buy a hell of a lot of 30p meals.
Luckily, I’ve stumbled across a top secret document full of these Tory Top Tips to make life easier:
1. Don’t have children. They’re very expensive and don’t appreciate anything.
2. Too late for that? Simply move house while they’re at school.
3. If elderly relatives are becoming a drain on your resources then get them doing laps of the garden to raise money.
4. NB You could also connect them up to a generator at the same time to create electricity.
5. Pets cost a lot of money in upkeep. Solve this financial issue as well as your hunger pangs by putting them in a nutritious curry.
6. Leave a babybel in a cupboard and forget about it, and within a month you’ll have tasty rats to catch and roast. Pair with a salad made of grass to create a healthy balanced family meal.
7. You can avoid all rent or mortgage and save on those pesky energy bills by simply burning your house down and becoming homeless.
8. Alternatively, if this seems over the top, then you can save money on electricity by just staring at a box in your front room instead of the television. After all, poor people do not deserve any kind of joy in their lives.
9. Transcend to a higher plane of existence where it is possible to subsist only on water and light, like plants.
10. Never, ever vote Tory.
I am laughing, but also nervous. Love it lol