Fran’s note: I’ve handed the blog over to Tammy from SexToyReviews.uk for this one. She spends an alarming amount of time testing sex toys and writing about which ones are actually worth buying. I’ve edited her contribution about the best sex toys for women over 40 slightly, because this is still my blog and apparently I can’t help myself. If you’d like more detailed reviews, comparisons and buying advice, head over to SexToyReviews.
By the time you reach your forties, you’ve probably accumulated quite a lot of life experience. You’ve learned that you probably shouldn’t cough when you need a wee, that getting up from the sofa sometimes requires a noise, and that there is absolutely no fucking reason to keep people in your life who make you miserable.
You’ve probably also realised that life is too short for disappointing sex.
And yet, somehow, the sex toy industry continues to produce an astonishing quantity of absolute rubbish.
Vibrators with seventeen settings, sixteen of which feel like someone attempting to communicate in Morse code through your clitoris. Supposedly discreet toys that sound like a malfunctioning electric toothbrush. Beautifully packaged gadgets with one button, meaning that if you accidentally go past your favourite setting you have to start the entire bloody process again. I’m looking at you, Lem.
After testing more sex toys than I ever imagined would fit in my cupboards, I’ve developed some fairly strong opinions about what makes a good one. So if you’re looking for the best sex toys for women over 40, whether you’re dealing with perimenopause, rediscovering your libido or simply fed up with disappointing vibrators, here’s what I’d recommend.
And no, you don’t have to spend £200 to have a good orgasm.
The best sex toys for women over 40 aren’t necessarily the most powerful.
Let’s address the enormous, hormonally unstable elephant in the room: perimenopause.
For some women, their forties bring changes in libido, sensitivity, lubrication and general enthusiasm for being touched by another human being. Sometimes you’re feeling fabulous. Sometimes you’re exhausted, your boobs hurt and the idea of somebody breathing too loudly in your vicinity is enough to send you into a murderous rage.
None of this means you’ve somehow passed your sexual sell-by date.
It does, however, mean that what worked brilliantly ten years ago might not be what you want now. Some people find they prefer gentler stimulation and others… Well, I won’t use the term ‘jump start’ but there’s definitely an analogy there.
There is no universally correct answer, which is why buying a sex toy based entirely on what somebody on TikTok claims gave them the orgasm of their life is a questionable strategy. Don’t be sucked in!
Oh, and if sex has become painful or uncomfortable, please don’t just buy a stronger vibrator and hope for the best. Vaginal dryness and other genitourinary symptoms are common around menopause, and effective treatments are available through your GP.
Clitoral suction toys: Small devices to make you see god
Let’s start with one of my favourite categories: clitoral suction toys.
Despite the name, most use pulses of air to stimulate the clitoris rather than physically sucking it into a tiny vacuum cleaner. They’re quite different from traditional vibrators, and a lot of women find the sensation considerably more enjoyable.
Others don’t. That’s the beauty of having options.
The Womanizer Next is one of my favourites. It’s expensive, but it’s powerful, relatively quiet and allows you to adjust the depth of the stimulation as well as the intensity. You can get something gentle and subtle or something considerably more enthusiastic, depending on your mood.
I’ve compared seven Womanizer models, and I can confirm that the most expensive one isn’t automatically the right choice for everybody. The cheaper models are perfectly effective. They just lack the extra refinements that make the premium versions nicer to use.
If you’ve never tried an air-pulse toy before, I’d start by reading my comparison of clitoral suction toys and ordinary vibrators. It’s much cheaper to understand the difference before purchasing something you may not enjoy.
Magic wands: When you’re not bothered about subtlety
Sometimes you don’t want a dainty little gadget designed to resemble an expensive lipstick.
Sometimes you want a power tool. Enter, the wand vibrator or Magic Wand.
Wands have broad, rounded heads that deliver vibration over a larger area, and they’re particularly useful if pinpoint clitoral stimulation feels uncomfortable or too intense.
They’re also excellent during partnered sex because you don’t need to position them with surgical precision.
My current favourite for sheer power is the Lovense Domi 2.
It’s rechargeable, surprisingly compact and exceptionally powerful. It’s also rather noisy, so if you live in a house with paper-thin walls, teenage children or an elderly relative who believes everybody should be asleep by nine, you might want something more discreet, but in terms of performance, it’s excellent.
A good wand is also proof that there’s no need to buy something with dozens of ridiculous vibration patterns. Give me proper intensity controls and a motor that doesn’t give up the moment you apply pressure.
Please stop buying sex toys you see on Instagram just because they are pretty
I appreciate an attractive product as much as anybody, but a sex toy doesn’t become better because somebody has shaped it like a rose, a rabbit, a lipstick or a small abstract sculpture that wouldn’t look out of place on your nan’s mantelpiece.
The market is absolutely flooded with novelty toys that look adorable in photographs but offer terrible controls, weak motors or awkward designs.
Of course, there are plenty of good inexpensive sex toys too. What really matters is whether the design is comfortable, whether the stimulation suits your preferences and whether the thing can actually be operated without requiring a second pair of hands.
Personally, I like rechargeable toys, body-safe materials, separate intensity controls (ie, a button for up and a button for down!) and products that can be cleaned easily by rinsing them under the tap.
If a manufacturer has spent more time designing the packaging and engaging influencers to promote it than thinking about how the bloody thing works, I’m not interested.
Sex toys for couples: Team mates not competitors
One of the strangest things about shopping for couples’ sex toys is the suggestion that introducing one means something has gone terribly wrong with your relationship, it really doesn’t.
A vibrator isn’t an accusation. It’s an appliance with a considerably more interesting purpose than the air fryer.
For couples, I’d generally recommend something compact enough to use comfortably together, or a wand that can provide external stimulation without getting in everybody’s way.
The important thing is finding something both partners feel comfortable with, rather than buying an elaborate app-controlled contraption because somebody on the internet promises it’ll transform your relationship.
Although, having said that, some of the app-controlled toys are genuinely brilliant. Being able to hand control to a partner can be enormous fun, whether you’re in the same room or miles apart.
How much should you actually spend on a sex toy?
The answer is: enough to buy something decent, but not necessarily enough to require a payment plan. There are plenty of affordable products that perform extremely well, and there are luxury models that charge a fortune for features most people will never use.
My personal priorities would be:
- Good controls. Separate buttons for increasing and decreasing intensity are a wonderful invention.
- Comfortable materials. Choose products from reputable manufacturers with clear material information.
- Useful stimulation. Strength, sensation and consistency matter more than the number of patterns.
- Practical cleaning. Waterproof or washable designs are easier to maintain, although you should always follow the manufacturer’s instructions.
- A proper warranty. Particularly if you’re spending a substantial amount of money.
There’s no prize for buying the fanciest vibrator. The objective is to enjoy using it, not impress somebody with your collection of rechargeable bedroom electronics.
Sex toy discount codes (Because no one wants to pay full price)
If you are thinking about investing in something new, there’s absolutely no reason to pay full price unnecessarily.
These are also loads of discount codes available through SexToyReviews. My two favourites are:
Lovehoney: 20% off with code SEXTOYREVIEW20 Use the code at Lovehoney on pretty much anything, even sale items. Certain exclusions apply, including advent calendars.
LELO: 15% off with code TAMMY15 Use the code at LELO on full price products.
Check out the rest of the sex toy discount codes here.
Offers and exclusions can change, so check that the discount has been applied before you pay.
You’re allowed to want good orgasms over 40
There seems to be a strange assumption that women reach a certain age and suddenly become interested exclusively in gardening, comfortable shoes and organising the airing cupboard, and while I have nothing against any of those things, with the exception of the bloody airing cupboard, I don’t see why they should be mutually exclusive with having a satisfying sex life.
You can own a sensible coat and an absolutely ridiculous vibrator. You can be knackered, hormonal, mildly furious with the world and still fancy an orgasm.
If you’d like recommendations based on actual testing rather than marketing bollocks, take a look at my guide to the best sex toys for women on SexToyReviews.uk.
Because life’s too short for bad vibrators. And frankly, we’ve all put up with enough disappointing appliances already.