Well, that was March. This is my third monthly update (you can see January’s here and February’s here) which I feel is quite good for me, even if it is a few days late. Bank holiday and all, you know.
Finally, after the longest winter possibly known to man, spring is officially here. We’re within a hair’s breadth of being able to sit outside and not freeze our tits off, or at least we will be if and when this bloody rain stops.
But apart from rain, what else happened in March? Here’s a recap!
Facebook went down and everyone shat themselves
I’m not afraid to admit that my heart nearly dropped out of my arsehole when I thought I’d been hacked and lost my Facebook page for good. Less than one month after monetisation too. Fucking typical.
The relief I felt when I realised it wasn’t just me was palpable as well as quite unnerving because nobody should be that attached to Facebook. Possibly something to talk to a therapist about. Bit of a shame that I reset all my email passwords in a panic and now have no idea what they are.
The internet got suckered into the Kate Middleton ‘mystery’
Usually the territory of tin-foil hatted oddbods and Nicholas Witchell, the royals screwed up (royally) by sending out a picture on Mother’s Day of Princess Catherine and the three kids which was supposed to be some kind of proof of life picture to quell the rumours and theories going about. Not only did it omit her holding a newspaper with the day’s date on, it had been so badly photoshopped even I, a total noob, spotted it.
This led to EVERYONE on the entire internet playing amateur detective. Why would they lie? What are they hiding? Has she has a bad haircut? Done a dodgy fake tan? Has she put on weight? Has she threatened to leave William and they’re keeping her in a dungeon? Is she in a coma? Assurances that she just enjoys playing about on photoshop were met with disbelief, the gossip got crazier, and Twitter lapped it up.
Then she released a video explaining that she had in fact been diagnosed cancer, and everyone felt a bit ashamed. No one came out of it well really. There’s a lesson in there somewhere, I’m sure.
I went viral on Twitter
It got into the Poke, and was shared on shit banter pages all over.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be in the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
— Fran (@whingewine) March 5, 2024
…And it had a typo in it. It was almost, but not quite, worth paying for an edit button for.
I mended it for Facebook, but it was too late.
I also very much enjoyed this tweet:
Oh. My mistake. pic.twitter.com/ztFlkY8izQ
— Fran (@whingewine) March 28, 2024
I was called ‘unprofessional’ and I took it very well
In case you missed my dalliance with Simon the ultra douchebag, you can read this whole post that I wrote about him. It was, hilariously, one of my most-read blog posts.
Sorry Si! You kind of asked for it.
Aunty Fran returned
After two years, I decided to bring back my Agony Aunt ‘column’ Aunty Fran, featuring my friend Jamie.
You can read our sage advice here!
I got blocked by Kirstie Allsopp on Twitter
We had a good run. I’ll miss her great advice.
I got slightly obsessed with Facebook Marketplace
More specifically, the wonderful malapropisms you can find there – you can read the whole post here.
I also love the wonderful bargains you can find, like the microwave below which works, as long as you don’t want to heat your food up. So essentially it’s a turntable and a cupboard with buttons on. Lovely stuff. People will really try to sell any old shite (NB Microwaves do not have heating elements. I feel like that’s an important note).
If you find one in the wild, please do email it to me.
People got very angry about me making fun of Rishi Sunak
By ‘people’ I mainly mean men who can’t spell.
So far this one post alone has made me £200-odd in Facebook bonus revenue, so keep being angry chaps! I’m even going to make a donation to a charity in their name. I’m thinking the RNLI, they’ll hate that.
I got a shed
To prove that I’m definitely middle aged, I most certainly believe that I have saved the best until last.
A few weeks ago, I got a wonderful little shed, courtesy of the folks at Forest Garden. I will be sharing more about it when it stops bleeding raining for two minutes, but isn’t it lovely!
…And that’s a wrap! Come back at the end of April to see if I make it four whole months in a row. I’d be surprised, to be honest.
If you enjoyed this and you’re feeling generous, you can buy me a cup of tea or a glass of wine here.
You can also see my Amazon wish list here.