Good evening you lovely people
It’s the 29th of February – or it was when I wrote this, which is of course a special bonus day! Today won’t appear on your Facebook memories for four whole years so be brave, go nuts and do something crazy.
Here are some suggestions;
- Jump out of an aeroplane
- Go swimming with sharks
- Propose to your bus driver*
- Tell that person at the school gates you hate their face
- And of course, work for no extra pay!
*It is of course traditional on a leap day that women ask their men to marry them. Mine left the house at 6.20am and won’t be back until tomorrow, so I can read between the lines there.
And what of the rest of February?
February is very much the Tuesday of the year. It’s at least four weeks shorter than January, and it’s not quite as dark, but it’s still a bit of a rubbish month and I’m fairly glad it’s done with now.
Some notable bits of February:
People got angry about potato snacks
February got off to a rip-roaring start, when I posted what I thought was a humorous observation about Tesco’s version of the potato smiley; ‘mashed potato shaped stars‘.
I mean they’re definitely mashed potato which is shaped as stars, or, some would say, star shaped mashed potato. But are they mashed potato shaped stars?
People had a lot of opinions. Like, a LOT of opinions.
Primarily they agreed with me; that this is nonsense. It should be the other way around. The copywriter had a bad day. Although mashed potato is technically made from stars (as everything is), a mashed potato shaped star would be very hard to package and so nutritionally dense as to render the eater instantly dead. Probably.
Anyway, over 8,700 likes later (mad) not only did I have a whole bunch of people take this waaaay too seriously, I even got called a pedo by someone with a criminal record for animal abuse (and a terrible grasp of the English language, it appears).
Never change, Facebook.
Gregg Wallace proved beyond any doubt that he’s an arsehole
Not that it was ever in doubt, but thanks to the weekend Torygraph, it’s official: Gregg Wallace is an absolute howling bellend.
When I first his version of ‘My Saturday’, I must admit I found it mildly amusing – I’m so glad I’m not the poor sod at the gym who has to open up just for him, and can you imagine being his PA and having to go to fucking Harvester every Saturday to watch him eat sausages?! Then I read it again and felt decidedly uncomfortable. The the bit about him spending a whole NINETY minutes of his Saturday with the child he admits he didn’t actually want (compared to two hours playing some stupid computer game) and cooking once a week while he expects his (fourth) wife to have lunch on the table is just so grim.
If I were wife number four I’d keep a copy of this to show the divorce lawyer what a horrible prick I married. Until then, it can live on here.
I much prefer the Tom Hollander version in The Times, myself.
I found another lost dog
It feels like this is becoming a bit of A Thing; you can read about the first one here. The next one, who followed us down the road, I recognised and was able to get back to the dog walker in one piece quickly. The more recent one was this charming little Shih Tzu called Freddie. He had no tags, and his chip wasn’t up to date, but a Facebook post got him back to his super grateful owner.
Once again: please, PLEASE: PUT TAGS ON YOUR DOGS. Especially if they’re as cute and friendly as Freddie.
We had a busy half term holiday
Highlights included a trip into town to return these jeans, which I’m very glad gave way at home and not in the middle of the supermarket,
We also made a trip to the Milestone Museum in Basingstoke…
…And we had a nice day out at Blenheim Palace to round off the week.
What I’ve been up to work-wise
Cos I know you’re all so interested…
I should apologise for my lack of blog updates; I’ve not written anything on here in the way of funny or personal stuff since January. I’m a bit like Kate Middleton, except no one noticed. There certainly aren’t whole websites dedicated to conspiracy theories about my absence.
While I did have every intention of bringing back Aunty Fran, I just haven’t had the time to do it yet. There’s a good reason; I’ve been doing a lot of copywriting work. Not massively interesting to you, I’m sure, but it might mean I can afford food and hopefully it explains why I’m very low on new and exciting content.
This month I’ve also been pretty busy putting together my Mother’s Day Gift Guides. I know that to a non-blogger they might look like a lot of free shit for nothing, but it’s actually a lot of work. Every time I do one I think ‘never again’ and then I get sucked in by the lure of a fridge or some shelves. Anyway, they are done and they’ve got excellent competitions running until the end of March, so do pop over for a look and to enter. You can find Part One here and Part Two here.
And if you can’t be bothered to even look, just admire my sexy wine fridge #GIFTED #FREEBIEWHORE
I’m also now being paid by Facebook on their monetisation programme! Likes, shares and other engagement get me a few pence here and there, which I had no clue was even a thing until the start of the year. A mere eight years after starting my page, it’s about bloody time, even if it isn’t going to make me rich or even justify the time I spend on there in any way. I just need to work out how to become viral with every post now; my entire newsfeed seems to consist of pages I don’t follow posting shit and extremely obviously AI generated pictures with thousands of of idiots and confused boomers saying how marvellous they are, so maybe that’s what I should be doing…
Watch this space I guess.
Onwards, to March!
If you enjoyed this and you’re feeling generous, you can buy me a cup of tea or a glass of wine – or donate to my houseplant addiction fund – here.
You can also see my Amazon wish list here.
I asked the bus-driver if he would marry me – he made me get off the bus and wait for the next one! 😉