Ask Aunty Fran – Episode 9: She’s back to fix your problems (and she’s brought a friend)

Dear Aunty Fran,

Why do my children take a year to get ready for school every morning and what can I do about it?

Mitzy

Dear Aunty Fran,

I keep thinking about my ex who I know is thinking about me too (we still flirt. Both single. Definite s3ggual [sic – I assume this means ‘sexual’ and haven’t got a clue why it’s spelled like this. Maybe it’s a slang thing for cool kids] attraction and all that stuff. We broke up on really good terms (I lied about why but you’ll understand in a minute) and on paper they should be my perfect match.

However, they’re as dull as a bag of rocks. Dull rocks. Really dull rocks. Like, coal or something Should we get back together? Should I learn to tolerate their dullness?

Britney

Dear Britney,

Why would you do this to yourself? Boring people are the absolute worst. Up there with people who think Mrs Browns Boys is funny. Just no.

Set this one free to find their equally dull soulmate, and venture back into the wilderness. There are plenty of marginally less boring people out there you probably haven’t already shagged.

Love, Aunty Fran x

Dear Aunty Fran,

I’m a recentlyish-single 50-something man with no friends. Life is very lonely. The only human I have face-to-face conversation with is the supermarket delivery driver, once per week (which probably isn’t fair on them).

Dating terrifies me. Even the thought of it makes me feel queasy, and it sounds really expensive anyway. What am I to do? Was this really it for me? Am I now just running the clock down?

Thanks Auntie Fran, please advise.

Dave823622

Dear Dave823622,

Have you tried joining Twitter and sending the same message to several hundred women each day simply saying ‘hi’? Or even sending pictures of your penis?

I jest. Do Not Do That. Nor should you hit on your delivery driver because you might get blacklisted and have to actually go to the shops.

As I am not up to speed with the dating scene (and certainly not as a man), I put this one to my friend Jamie:

“Dr Jamie prescribes a trip to the bingo at your local social club. You’ll spend a fiver, meet some interesting people and make a few pals. Failing that, Pornhub is free and doesn’t snore”.

Love, Aunty Fran x

Dear Aunty Fran,

I got divorced about 3 years ago and recently I reluctantly dabbled with dating apps. I’m not an ugly guy and I can spell, so I’ve matched with a handful of women, chatted to some and had a couple of dates. Unfortunately they’ve both been bloody horrendous. Like really, really bad.

The first one made it clear she was only doing it for a free dinner. I’m all for treating someone, but not a stranger, and I’m not exactly flush with money since the divorce so when she suggested we get a bottle of Moet and I laughed, she stormed off.

During the last one we had absolutely nothing in common – and she looked nothing like her very highly angled, 10 year old pictures. I think I was very quiet and we agreed to call it quits after one drink.

How do I get over this? I’m scared to even try again! Is all dating this bad?

Romeo

Dear Romeo,

Dr Jamie says “You need to persevere. We’ve all had bad dates, you just have to write them off as a funny story.

For example I met a guy who said he was 29 and called John. I put a lasagne in, poured him a glass of wine and popped upstairs to go to the loo and put aftershave on. When I came back down he wasn’t there so I nipped out the front to see if he was having a fag. He’d stolen my house keys and my car, and a call from the local police confirmed he had drunk driven into 15 cars and smashed my car up.

Turns out he’s 19 and called Darren and is now in prison. Ngl though he was pretty fit though and I probably still would.”

Not sure if that helps,

Love, Aunty Fran x

Dear Aunty Fran,

My wife and I have 4 kids. I work full time, she has a part time job (but I am the first to admit she works far more than I do – she just doesn’t get paid for it).

Between work, kids, housework, cooking, starting a new business and maintaining the house there is precious little time left to invest in ourselves and our relationship. We’re both feeling a little bit unloved but we’re both running on fumes.

Anyway, my question is: what’s the best way to get mud stains out of cream coloured jogging bottoms?

Maximus

Dear Maximus,

I fear you’ve mistaken me for Mrs Hinch. A cleanfluencer I am not, but even I know that mud doesn’t stain, and I shove everything in on 40 and hope for the best.

However, I can read between the lines. You don’t think you’re getting enough in the way of ‘alone time’.

I’m afraid you should have thought of this before having four children. That’s mental. Good luck for the next 18 years.

Love, Aunty Fran x

Dear Aunty Fran

My wife and I have been on a diet. It’s fair to say that I had less to lose than she did. So now I am still supporting her by eating less food – there’s surely nothing worse than being on a diet and having someone sat next to you power eating a Snickers (other chocolate bars are available).

The only plan that I can think of is to secretly eat high calorie food to maintain my weight whilst appearing to support her continued efforts. Can you recommend a) suitable hiding places for a chocolate stash, and b) any forensic counter measures I should take to ensure she doesn’t find out.

Horatio

Dear Horatio,

Men are absolute bastards, you know that? Here I am, at 40, hitting the gym every sodding morning, walking for two hours a day and still unable to lose a single pound only partly due to my overwhelming greediness and addiction to snacks.

Thanks, perimenopause, you cunt.

My advice to you is to make sure that you never, ever utter a word of any of this to your wife. Not even in jest. Do not think you can get away with hiding anything in the house either; offer to do the supermarket shop, purchase and devour what you need to and then dispose of the evidence outside of the house. If she finds out, she might actually be so hungry she just decides to eat you.

Love, Aunty Fran x.

Dear Aunty Fran,

I don’t know what to buy my wife for Valentine’s Day. I’ve got the libido of a teenage rabbit who has taken a few too many little blue pills, and due to kids, stressful jobs, and sleep deprivation, she’s too tired to reciprocate, even though she tells me she wants to. She also feels distinctly ‘mumsy’ and despite me fancying the pants off her, feels really unsexy and ‘fat’ (which she is not).

I’ve considered buying her/us something to try and spice things up, but worry it will just ramp up the pressure and make things worse.

So my other thought was to get her something we can do together, but she’s generally too tired by the time the kids are in bed for us to do any sort of hobbies other than slob on the couch.

So should I just go dull and get her some flowers? Or risk my original plan and potentially cock it all up?

Quentin

Dear Quentin,

I feel I must apologise for the tardy response; life got in the way. I do hope you managed to pull your finger out and get something nice in time.

However, for next time, I hear that unloading the dishwasher, doing laundry, vacuuming/mopping, and getting your parents to take the kids for the evening are all extraordinary aphrodisiacs, so if I were going to suggest anything that would put your wife in the mood it would probably be one of those before raiding the bargain bin at Lovehoney.

Saying that, you can’t go wrong with a mains-powered magic wand. So I hear.

Or when you said ‘something to do together’ did you mean an escape room or something? In which case, my bad; this one was a lot of fun and if you start it early and don’t find yourself arguing you might have time left at the end for a quick blowjob.

Love, Aunty Fran x

Dear Aunty Fran,

I have a serious problem with my employer. My manager keeps complaining that I don’t do any work, but she doesn’t understand that it’s practically a full time job playing Animal Crossing.

That loan shark Tom Nook demands I do all sorts of jobs, so I have hardly any time left for rubbish like actual work. How can I get her to see that me just turning up is more commitment than they deserve???

Fallulah

Dear Fallulah

The only way to deal with such an unreasonable employer is to sub-contract your job to someone off Fiverr, leaving you free to fish, collect weeds and earn those bells.

The risk of course is that they might do a better job of it than you, which could be embarrassing, or your manager could find out and you could lose your job. However then you’d be free to play Animal Crossing all day, so really it’s a win/win situation.

Love, Aunty Fran x

Dear Aunty Fran,

My girlfriend gets mad when I don’t talk to her while I’m at work.

I keep telling her I am too busy, but now she thinks I don’t love her anymore.

What can I do?

Festus

Dear Festus,

Are you my boyfriend? It gets lonely all this working from home stuff, so I do sympathise with her. I’d recommend getting a dog for her to talk to, but that comes with its own downsides such as watching her descend into madness while she talks about her dog’s ‘friends’ and its ‘hands’.

If I were you, I would set up a script that automatically texts her every 26 minutes with a compliment and assurances of affection.

She’ll either love it or she’ll think you’re so weird she’ll dump you, but either way, problem solved.

Love, Aunty Fran x