Thirty eight things that have lasted longer than Kwasi Kwarteng as Chancellor

Well, well; what a surprise. After just thirty eight days in the job, our Liz has thrown her former mate Kwasi under the bus and given him his marching orders, which he has gracefully accepted like he had any kind of choice in the matter.

She then gave perhaps the most awkward press conference of her career to date, before walking out, and crashing the pound again. You go, girl!

She really is shit, isn’t she?

Anyway, I’ve written loads about Lizzy recently so instead, here are thirty eight things that have lasted longer than Kwasi Kwarteng as Chancellor of the Exchequer (one for each day of his tenure):

1. My new years’ resolutions
2. My children’s pointless tantrums over absolutely fuck all
3. The load of washing that’s still on my stairs waiting to be brought up
4. And the washing that’s upstairs waiting to be put away
5. The goldfish I won at the fair when I was 13
6. A particularly difficult poo after eating way too much banana
7. My latest Facebook ban for calling someone a ‘silly sausage’
8. My menstrual cycle when it just wants to fuck with me
9. My kid telling a story
10. The bag of salad in my fridge
11. My first job in a telemarketing company with a complete c*nt of a boss
12. Boris Johnson’s commitment to his marriage vows
13. The queues at Legoland during the summer holidays
14. My conversations with scam phone callers when they catch me when I should be working
15. A trip to Wetherspoons toilets
16. My children eating their breakfast when we’re in a rush to get out for the school run
17. The battery charge on my vibrator
18. A McDonald’s paper straw
19. My Wordle streak
20. David Blaine in his glass box
21. The spider that lives in the corner of my bedroom
22. Stewart Lee’s Ricky Gervais impression
23. A ‘7 day teach yourself German course’ that I started in 2009
24. The best before date on a pot of yoghurt
25. The length of time after a best before date I will still consume yoghurt
26. My resolve not to turn the heating on
27. Therese Coffey’s fag break
28. A cheap bunch of flowers I bought from Aldi
29. A viewing of Peter Jackson’s The Lord of the Rings trilogy (extended edition)
30. A bar of Dairy Milk chocolate (but only because I hid it and forgot where it is)
31. The returns policy for all the clothes which are packaged up by the door and I know I won’t actually return in time
32. The hold queue I’m stuck in every time I try to make a GP appointment
33. The time between my kids saying ‘I promise’ and breaking that promise
34. The line for the ladies’ bogs at Wembley Arena
35. Oven chips which the packet said were supposed to take 17 minutes to cook
36. My attention span (just kidding)
37. Phil and Holly in a queue
38. Liz Truss (but hopefully not for too much longer…)

Thanks to Sweary Wee Me on Facebook (who is bloody awesome and you should definitely follow) for a few belters.