It has now been a couple of weeks since we English folk were permitted to socialise in a public open space, or even in our own private garden (should we be fortunate enough to have one) with up to five friends (should we be fortunate enough to have any).
Monday 12th April sees us making the next step in the road map out of coronavirus. Shops can open, hairdressers are back in business and, crucially, the pubs will be open again (again).
But how on earth do pubs work? I hear you cry
It’s been so long since I’ve been to one, I can barely remember! What if things have changed? Help me, oh wise one!
Well, since you asked, here is my advice.
1. Book. Now.
After the world’s shittiest Christmas and New Year, people are understandably desperate to see their friends and the pubs are going to be rammed. It took my friends and I days to find a midweek evening slot at literally any London pub with an outdoor area, weeks in advance. In fact, if you haven’t booked already, you’re probably screwed. Sorry.
2. Get dressed to impress
Unless nothing fits anymore, in which case don’t. In fact, wear whatever the fuck you want.
Personally I’ll be using the pub as an excuse to finally wear some of the clothes that I bought online during lockdown (which I absolutely did not need but got anyway because everything was shit and I thought it might cheer me up because I am nothing if not a cliché) in the full knowledge that, whatever I wear, it’s unlikely anyone will see it as it’ll probably be under a massive winter coat.
Speaking of which…
3. Put on your thermal underwear and take sunscreen
Unfortunately we’re only allowed in the pub garden at this stage, which is great when your national sport is moaning about the unpredictable weather.
It might be April, and this time last year the paddling pool was out, but the last week of glorious sunshine followed by snow within a matter of hours (yes, really) has proven once and for all that English weather is not to be trusted. So you can make the most of your pub visit, be prepared and take 17 layers and your sunglasses.
4. Be prepared to be surprisingly sober
Unless you were one of the people who did ‘dry COVID’ (yes, that is honestly a thing, and no, I don’t know why you would do that to yourself but the world takes all sorts. Personally I favoured ‘wetter than a monsoon’ COVID), home-poured measures and lockdown rules on when it is an acceptable time to crack open the wine will probably have warped your sense of what constitutes normal alcohol consumption, as well as upping your alcohol tolerance… Be prepared to wonder whether there is any actual G in your G&T.
5. …And skint
After all, pub measures are freaking tiny, so we’re all drinking doubles now, and pubs are so much more expensive than drinking at home in the garden and I’m freezing my tits off, why did we all miss this so much?
6. Don’t cough
You wouldn’t be at the pub if you had any symptoms of COVID, obviously, because you’re not a total fuckwit. However sod’s law says that as soon as you think about it, you’ll suddenly develop a tickle in your throat. Do. Not. Cough. unless you want everyone looking at you like you’re a leper (which, ironically isn’t that contagious, unlike coronavirus).
7. Don’t be a dickhead
One thing you might have forgotten about pubs with your rose tinted glasses on is how many drunk dickheads there are in them, and sadly it’s likely that after extended periods of isolation, some people will have entirely forgotten the rules of normal human decency and social boundaries.
Getting too close to strangers, interjecting on other people’s conversations to tell them you think Boris is doing his best or give your opinion on the COVID vaccine, being rude to the staff, making lewd comments to other pub goers or any touching people you don’t know, at all, ever, period, are all things that should reserve you a spot in special pub-dickhead-hell.
If, in a somewhat inebriated state, you are tempted to be one of these dickheads, don’t be.
8. Don’t lick your friends
Remember, COVID is still about and social distancing is still a thing; yes – even when you’re drunk.
This obviously goes for strangers too, but it shouldn’t really need saying should it? SHOULD IT?
Anyway, have a fabulous time – and remember, if you behave yourself, then in just over a month we might actually be able to sit inside a pub. That’s the dream.