This week in politics has been a doozy. It started with a huge tax cut U-Turn, and ended with the Conservative conference bringing us such gems as Suella Braverman, Home Secretary, saying she literally dreams about deporting people to Rwanda. What a lovely dream that is Suella!
It’s like every day brings a new level of disappointment.
It’s got to the point that now when I look back at things that seems absolutely atrocious at the time I start thinking ‘but was it so bad?!’.
Answer: It was, and now it’s even worse.
Even Nadine Dorries and Michael Gove are starting to look almost competent and reasonable in comparison, which is something that sticks in my throat and makes me feel physically nauseous to say.
Anyway, to lighten the mood: 12 ways that Truss is basically a big child. And I don’t mean in the drawing spunking cocks onto people’s faces way.
1. She likes playing dress up
As Maggie Thatcher, and as fictional dictators.
2. (Especially hats)
Who doesn’t love a different hat for every occasion? Except toddlers look cute in them.
3. She thinks everything is always about her
Young kids are supposed to be egocentric, but you’re meant to grow out of it before you reach 47, Liz. Not every press release needs a professional photograph of yourself appended to it.
4. She changes her mind every sixteen minutes
It’s perhaps unfair to point to her departure from her earlier politics; yes, she may have been a Lib Dem and a republican, and then of course a remainer, but people are allowed to change their minds over years and decades even if it’s in the wrong direction and they are now sitting somewhere to the right of Hitler.
Besides, Liz doesn’t need years to change her mind; she’s capable of doing a complete 180 in a single day – she was definitely going to get rid of the 45p tax rate; she was happy to be unpopular and would definitely not be doing a u turn and oh, wait, that’s really unpopular so let’s maybe let’s not do that after all. Big whoops about the pound tanking, my bad guys.
It puts me in mind of my son who does not like chips or ice cream, except when chips and ice cream are in front of him and then he might actually like them after all.
5. Listening to her speak is excruciating
Every interview she does is so awfully cringeworthy you really need to watch from behind a cushion. It’s not even the bollocks she comes out with; the weird stretches of vacant staring in silence – almost like she’s got a shit connection and is buffering – before telling people she doesn’t agree with their premise or understand the question is almost physically painful to watch.
It’s actually worse that having a small child explain a complicated story to you.
6. She doesn’t play with people she doesn’t like
You once said mean things about me so I’m not going to play with you/let you into my cabinet!
Also see: Here’s a list of people I don’t like and aren’t invited to my party.
7. She makes up nonsense words and phrases and repeats them ad nauseum
Who wants to join the Anti Growth Coalition, lads? Get a load of those pork markets.
8. She seems to think everything is a game
There is literally no other explanation for her insane strategy to borrow her way out of this shitshow the Tories have created over the past 12 years, and her complete lack of regard for the thousands of people who are struggling to stay afloat, the best advice for whom seems to currently be ‘just be richer‘. It’s all just a big laugh, it seems, with no comeback and no responsibility.
9. She is a liar liar pants on fire
“I’m the first prime minister of our country to have gone to a comprehensive school.”
OK hun, except both Gordon Brown and Theresa May went to comprehensive schools.
At least kids are cute when they’re telling outright porkies about not drawing on walls while they still have the pen in their hands.
10. She is obsessed with cheese
I mean, who isn’t?
11. She hides instead of apologising
She will just not admit to ever being wrong and instead of saying ‘shit, I fucked that up’ she fucks off to Ukraine for the weekend and lets everyone else take the flack; much like a small child will hide in their bedroom and blame their sibling.
12. She should not be in charge of the country
I think that whatever your political persuasion, unless you’ve had a severe bump to the head or happen to manage a very large hedge fun, then you can agree that she’s insanely out of her depth and a literal toddler would probably do less harm.
Certainly my houseplant would.
I’ve already provide 20 fantastic and definitely true Liz Truss facts which you can read here. I also once wrote a post about Donald Trump and why he was the same as my toddler which is here.