Ten things I’ve achieved over the summer holidays

And just like that*, the traditional last minute scrabble for new school shoes and search for missing PE kits has begun. The six week summer holiday is over and it’s time to get geared up for the school run again as my two, in their never ending quest to get older every single bastard year, enter years 3 and 4.

I’m chomping at the bit to get some semblance of routine back in our lives, before we all turn into nocturnal beasts living off crisps and whatever else we can scavenge, because I haven’t been to Aldi recently, because who wants to drag two kids round Aldi.

Six weeks off is too long for everyone and I will die on this hill.

It definitely is for working parents, probably for kids too and I’d suggest that even teachers, if they’re honest, would prefer a more even split through the year.

Before the holidays arrived, I felt like I was beginning to get it together for the first time since the pandemic hit, and definitely for the first time since my move. I was dropping the kids off at school and then going straight to the gym most days (yes, I would like a gold star please) with the rest of the day spent dong boring adult things like chores and working to pay the rent (overrated) before picking them up again and running them to whatever after school club they had begged to start and probably then complained about being forced to attend.

I was up to week 7 of the couch to 5k and, as the most unnatural runner in the world, I was pretty bloody proud of my progress. I was eating better, drinking less, and I’d managed to make a small dent in the two stone I’d put on over the previous year. Everything was starting to look like it might be alright.

Well, that all obviously went to shit when the holidays arrived.

According to the perma-grumpy lady on the gym reception you aren’t just allowed to sit them there with a tablet even if they’re really well behaved and have snacks, which makes me regret asking as no one would have known they were mine otherwise.

The holidays have been so full on – not forgetting unnecessarily hot – that even when I’ve had a day off I’ve struggled to get the motivation together. This week I used the running machines and started back at the beginning of week three, and it was shit and I hated each and every second. At least I could use the gym showers afterwards though – one of my long standing habits and, amazingly, a genuine tip for the cost of living crisis that the Tories have helpfully been bandying about, along with buying a new kettle and such bollocks. I’ve always been a trendsetter.

The house sale which I’d been waiting for didn’t happen. You know when irritating people say they can’t even? Well, on this, I can’t even. No amount of platitudes can make this one better, it is a real fucking shit of a thing to happen and it’s really and brutally fucked everything up.

The break has had its positives, of course.

We went on a lovely holiday to Bluestone, Wales, which this time I actually paid (way too much) for, and therefore am not contractually obliged to write about, so probably won’t. I spent a nice week with my oldest while my youngest was at football camp, learning how to lie on the ground and complain. I taught them both to swim. We’ve been to the beach, we’ve done some fun days out in London. Not that the kids will remember if you ask them, obviously.

Anyway, the title promised them, so here are ten things I’ve achieved this holiday. Although actually it’s only four things. Sorry. What are you going to do, write in and complain?

1. Put on half a stone

Guess who’s back, back, back… Back again. Oh well. Such is the circle of life.

2. Drank too much

After massively cutting down on the old booze during the preceding months, this holiday I have regrettably increased my alcohol intake again which is largely responsible for point 1 I suspect.

3. Gracefully accepted Liz Truss is going to be the next prime minister.

When Boris FINALLY admitted defeat and the celebratory hangovers had worn off, I joked about who might replace him, but I never took Truss and her Thatcher cosplay too seriously. However, I have now come to terms with the fact that we are going to have a Prime Minister with the IQ of a spoon and there is fuck all we can do about it.

Maybe be connected to number two.

4. Been called ‘sophisticated’

Possibly the single highlight of the holiday; a meme of mine recirculated and made it across the pond, and I was responsible for bringing one of my favourite words, Bellend, to the American people of Facebook.

I’m not sure they meant it as a compliment but I’ll take it.

*Sex and the City have really ruined that phrase for me. Wasn’t it utter, utter dogshit? I was so sad. I didn’t even make it past the first four episodes.