Perimenopause almost sounds like something soft and wafting; a gentle prelude to a whimsical hormonal fade-out. It is not. It is a hormonal rave in your uterus while your brain quietly packs up and moves out.
Officially, it’s the stage before menopause. Unofficially, it’s the bit where your body goes, ‘You know what would be fun? Absolute. Fucking. Chaos.’ And off it goes, setting your hormones on fire and leaving you to deal with the fallout using nothing but rage, chocolate and overpriced supplements.
So how do you know you’ve landed in Perimenopause Land™? Here are ten signs. If even three or four of these sound vaguely familiar, welcome to the club. We cry a lot and nobody sleeps.
1. Your period is on a choose-your-own-adventure schedule
Used to be once a month, like clockwork. Now? Surprise! Sometimes it’s early. Sometimes it’s late. Sometimes it’s twice in one month and other times it’s ghosted you completely, only to reappear like an ex-boyfriend you were hoping had ceased to exist.
Also, enjoy guessing how heavy it’s going to be. Light spotting? Full murder scene? Nobody knows. Just give up wearing white for the next decade or so.
2. You’re either freezing, or sweating like you’ve been locked in a sauna
Hot flushes are real and not at all sexy. One minute you’re watching telly under a blanket (I am writing this from underneath a duvet. In June), the next you’re ripping off your clothes like you’re in Magic Mike: Midlife Edition, fanning yourself with a cereal box and glaring at the dog for existing.
Night sweats? Oh yes. Nothing says ‘glamorous woman in her 40s’ like waking up soaked in your own hormonal broth at 3am.
3. You forget words mid-sentence and just stare into the void
You were in the middle of a story and suddenly… nothing. Your brain has left the chat. What’s the word for that thing? The… thing. With the face. You know. The person. From school. With the hair. Oh forget it, it’s gone.
You’re not losing your mind. It’s just hormonal chaos brain. Totally normal. Completely annoying.
4. Sleep? What sleep?
You’re exhausted, actually bone-weary, all day but come bedtime your body’s like, ‘Shall we replay that thing you said in 2003?’. If you fall asleep quickly, there’s a more than slight chance you’ll wake up at 3.17am drenched in sweat and then spend 4 hours staring at the ceiling for absolutely no reason.
Short daytime naps are my lord and saviour; I quite often tell the kids I’m going for a nap and disappear on a Saturday afternoon, and my daughter wakes me up an hour or so later with a cup of tea.
And that, ladies and gents, is why I had kids, and why I had them long before this shitshow.
5. Mood swings that should come with a warning label
From serene goddess to raging banshee in 0.3 seconds. Your family lives in fear. Even you live in fear.
One minute you’re sobbing at a bin bag advert, the next you’re yelling because someone has left crumbs in the kitchen. Hormones are out here playing Mario Kart with your emotional wellbeing and everyone else just needs to back away slowly.
6. Weight gain for absolutely no reason whatsoever
You’re eating less, moving more, and somehow your jeans still hate you. Thanks!
7. Your libido is doing weird things
It’s either gone completely AWOL – and you now start arguments about dishwasher stacking just to make sure your partner doesn’t come within a six-foot radius – or your hormones are throwing a final clearance sale and you want to jump their bones every time they walk past holding a cup of tea.
Either way, you have absolutely no say in the matter and your partner is probably scared.
Also, no – taking your clothes off in the middle of the night is not an invitation. See point 2.
8. Your skin and hair have gone rogue
Dry skin. Greasy skin. Acne and wrinkles. Hair thinning. Hair falling out. Hair appearing somewhere new and entirely unwelcome.
You are no longer in control. Your face is a science experiment, and your eyebrows are definitely thinner than last week.
9. You no longer tolerate bullsh*t (and honestly? Good.)
You have zero time for drama, faff, or energy vampires. You say no without explanation. You ghost people who drain you. You rage-quit WhatsApp groups.
Your hormones may be a mess, but your boundaries are immaculate. It’s the one upside, really.
10. Everyone else seems deeply, profoundly annoying
Your partner chewing. Your child breathing too loudly. The person in front of you in Tesco who won’t move forward. You’re one minor inconvenience away from going fully feral.
This is not your fault. You’re hormonally possessed. The only thing that helps is a quiet room and possibly cake.
You’re not going mad. You’re just perimenopausal
It’s not all in your head.
You’re not being dramatic.
Your body is changing in weird, wild, uncontrollable ways, and no one warned you it would start this early.
So here’s your permission slip to moan, to rage, to Google herbal remedies you’ll forget to take, and to throw chocolate at anyone who tells you to just relax, because we have to go through all this while doing *gestures vaguely at everything*.
And when in doubt: wine, a fan, and noise-cancelling headphones.
You’ve got this, hot flashes and all.
If you want some useful advice about perimenopause, check out the NHS website and if it’s affecting you then please make an appointment with your GP. You definitely should not be diagnosing yourself with anything based on the blog post of an overheating, rage-filled woman.
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