Nine things not to ask a new mum to avoid looking like a total tit

I’ve said it before; ‘Is he a good baby?’ has to be the most stupid, idiotic question it’s possible to ask a new parent. Particularly one that is, like Archie, the newest member of the royal family, a mere two days old.

It is undoubtedly the worst question.

At two days old, babies lack the capacity to be bad. Hitler was probably a good baby.

And yet, a BBC journalist who had presumably had months to prepare for this moment, quite possibly the biggest one of his career, thought that it would do. One can only presume that he’s not a parent and/or he forgot his notebook.

What people actually mean when they ask this question is ‘Do they sleep?‘.

This is probably the second-most annoying question, which as it happened immediately preceded it.

I’ll tell you now, a two day old baby sleeps exactly like a newborn baby, on account of being a newborn baby. That is to say a hell of a lot, if not always in long stretches or when you want them to. That’s babies.

So yea, I can’t say I’m too impressed thus far with this dude’s journalistic capabilities. Surely he could have come up with some better questions (I suggest ‘Can I pop to the shop for you?’ and ‘WOW don’t you look bloody fabulous?’).

For the avoidance of doubt, here are some other questions and comments you may wish to swerve at your next royal baby press conference:

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(Or, if someone brings their new baby into the office, etc, if you don’t get to many royal baby press conferences).

1. Are you breastfeeding?

Hmmmm…. None of your fucking business, actually.

2. Was it a natural birth?

If I haven’t told you, chances are (surprise!) it’s none of your fucking business.

3. Did you have stitches?

IS YOUR VAGINA A MESS?! As above. None. Of. Your. Business.

4. Did you poo in labour?

Obviously no one would actually think it was OK to ask this, but just in case you need to ask whether it’s OK or not, it isn’t.

5. You look tired!

No fucking shit. I have a brand new puking, screaming human that I have to keep alive and it’s terrifying and I am so tired but I’m scared if I sleep then they’ll learn to walk and run away or something, I’m fairly sure I’m hallucinating.

6. You called him/her WHAT?

Close your mouth Marjory, don’t look so shocked. Just welcome little Archie Kanye Norbert Windsor to the family and be nice.

7. When are you going back to work?

Hold on a minute! I just bloody left. Please don’t depress me by talking about it yet.

8. When are you having the next one?

Seriously?

9. When’s it due?

OH HONEY NO.

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