Last week I wrote a post about things that piss me off, prompted by a blogging friend.
It wasn’t difficult to find ten things, and I joked that it would become part of a series. Well, this week I haven’t really got my blogging A-Game and the news is just bloody depressing, so rather than delve into something more meaningful (like how Boris bloody Johnson is ruining my birthday plans), I thought I’d continue this list because although I consider myself a fairly easy going and laid back person, apparently it is VERY easy to make lists of things I dislike.
SO HERE YOU GO.
1. Calling women ‘girls’
This has long been one of my most hated things; being referred to as a girl. It was OK when I was a girl, but I am not a girl; I’m a 36 (very nearly 37 but let’s not talk about it) year old mother of two, thanks. Especially when in the workplace (‘you’ll have to ask one of the girls in the office‘) it makes me a bit stabby and I won’t apologise for it because it’s patronising, patriarchal bullshit, even when it isn’t intended to be outwardly misogynistic.
See also ‘females‘. Unless you are Martin from Friday Night Dinner, Ferengi, or talking about a species other than humans, it is not acceptable to call women females and it amazes me that anyone thinks it’s OK.
2. Deliveries at 5.45am
Can I just say if you were the person delivering leaflets in my road at 5.45am on Tuesday, ignoring the huge NO JUNK MAIL signs on the letterbox AND THE FACT THAT IT’S BEFORE SIX BLOODY AM, then I hope you trip over the weeds in my driveway you absolutely bloody bellend.
Love from someone whose dog doesn’t like strangers at the door at 5.45am.
Honestly, people are the worst. And they weren’t even charity leaflets either. If I were feeling petty I’d leave them a big bag full of steaming dog shit because I’m still tired days later.
3. Pigeons
I really hate pigeons. They’re entirely pointless. When we first moved to this house, there was a huge tree in the garden behind and the little f*ckers would wake me up with their pointless coo-cooing every bastard morning until I phoned the housing association and got the tree cut down for nicking all the light in the garden. Ha.
Anyway one night this week I was walking the dog (in the dark), and a pigeon flapped about in a tree above me, FELL ON TO ME, and then on to the road, dead.
I very nearly shat myself.
This being 2020 I expect it’s just the pigeon apocalypse about to begin.
4. Making up bunk beds
Seriously, f*ck that shit. I still have the scar to show from where I bust a c-section stitch trying to do it at 6 weeks and I’ve never forgiven the bed for it.
5. Actually, any chores
I am far from a domestic goddess, which I think has been covered at length previously. Very occasionally I feel motivated and so I’ll pick up the vacuum cleaner and the mop and give everything a good going over and feel pretty damn smug with myself until the children come in, drop crumbs everywhere and the dog walks mud right through the kitchen. What is the point!?
Putting clothes away is another entirely thankless task. Using a washing basket-based system whereby the clothes never actually see the inside of the wardrobe or drawers saves a lot of time.
Special shout out to pairing socks. How the fuck does stuff like this even happen?
6. Rude drivers
A classic here that I can’t believe didn’t make it into the first list, frankly. Specifically: People who do not wave at you to thank you when you let them out at a junction or wait behind a car for them to pass you, and people who don’t indicate at roundabouts so you’re waiting there like a dickhead when you could have gone.
7. DMs which start Hi Hun!
For all the reasons outlined in this post I can’t bloody stand MLM huns and find their constant attempts to get into my DMs quite something.
Yes, I do have a good social media following! Well noted.
No, I do not want to start shilling magic beans to my followers and ripping people off in attempt to help you recoup your losses, random stranger, no matter how well you think I would fit into your up-and-coming lifestyle “network marketing” “business”. I’m certainly not interested in spunking my own time and money up the wall (and making myself look like a twat into the bargain).
And, despite the fact that they are the ones spamming me with unsolicited messages, these huns always get pissy when I share the conversation to my Instagram Stories, which I always do, because that’s what I do – and if they were actual followers (as claimed) as opposed to chancers looking to take advantage of naïve ‘influencers’ then they’d know that. Sorry, hun.
8. Stepping in wet things with socks on
When you have kids, a lot of things that shouldn’t be wet are wet, including floors. It’s best not to ask exactly what kind of liquid it is, and it’s always a good idea to change your socks immediately.
9. Doing 95% of a job
Such as: Putting the dishes on top of the dishwasher as opposed to inside it. Putting dirty clothes on the floor outside the empty washing machine. Having a poo and then not flushing the loo. I’m not saying who is who but my entire household seems to struggle with this in one way or another.
10. Children’s toy packaging
I recently helped out at the BlogOn Toy Awards. What this involved was primarily taking toys out of packaging so that they could be demonstrated for a Facebook live which would allow bloggers to vote on their favourite toys.
I stole this from my own post but it bears repeating; There is no earthly reason that you should need a screwdriver to release a doll from its plastic prison unless said doll happens to be possessed; in which case you probably shouldn’t give it to your four year old as a gift.