A guide to British etiquette and humour: Ten things you need to know

I was asked recently by the website Bored Panda (which you can read here) for my thoughts on British problems and the good old British sense of humour.

I had a fun morning in my group chat (which is of course called ‘Group of C*nts’ or thereabouts, because, British), discussing what it means to be British. I thought that rather than all our combined efforts going to waste because of the word count, I’d share our collective wisdom here in a Guide to British Etiquette and Humour.

Enjoy!

Ten things you need to know about Brits

1. In general, as a nation we hate small talk and are pretty bad at it.

I, personally, just want to be left alone most of the time. I actively do not want people who serve me in shops to make cheery small talk. Just stop it. Pack it the f*ck in.

‘How are you?’ isn’t actually a question. When a British person says this, they don’t really care, and just want to either hear a ‘I’m fine, thanks, how are you?’ or alternatively have a chance to vent about themselves for a bit. If someone actually started to talk about how they were, it would be deeply awkward.

2. We have an awful habit of not correcting people out of politeness.

Then we have to live with it for the rest of our lives because it’s too embarrassing to admit that we didn’t say something the first time. Which is why my neighbour still thinks I’m called Fern, and why I get owl-themed presents for every birthday and Christmas.

3. We can’t accept a compliment with a simple ‘thank you’.

For example, if someone says they like our outfit, it’s physically impossible not to immediately tell them where we got it from AND how little it cost, before pointing out any minor or entirely imagined flaws and telling them awful we actually look, how much weight we’ve put on, how bad our hair is etc etc.

The Brits are a self-deprecating bunch, and we will never understand the whole ‘sell yourself’ mentality that makes up the American stereotype.

(NB, it is acceptable to accept a compliment about a dress or skirt without having to say how shit you look in it, ONLY if you are able to follow it up with ‘look! It has pockets!’)

4. We do like a whinge.

We may have a reputation as a nation of being polite, but of course we do complain – to our friends, in group chats, or on social media. All British Twitter is, is people moaning about the rubbish government, their bins not being emptied and the supermarket being out of the right tea bags.

However, we would rather pay the hairdresser £100 and sit in our car and cry than point out that we don’t like our new hair cut, and when the waiter asks whether our food is nice, we will tell them yes and nod and smile even if it tastes of cold sick. It’s traditional.

5. The whole tea-obsession thing is genuine.

At least for some of us (the normal ones). I can’t function without a cup of tea first thing, I’m drinking one right now. I’ll have a decaf before bed.

Running out of milk – or having someone randomly pop over when low on milk – is an actual fear. My significant other doesn’t drink tea, and to be honest, I’m a little distrustful of him for that reason. I guess no one’s perfect.

Worse than people who don’t drink tea, are people that proudly favour Tetley’s to Yorkshire tea. Absolute weirdos.

For all Americans out there wondering… this should clear it up:

6. As is our preoccupation with the weather.

With strangers, face to face, there is only one topic we are allowed to complain about without fear of offence. That is of course the weather, and how entirely unprepared for it we are.

Complaining about the weather is pretty much a national pastime. It actually does make sense when you realise how ludicrously changeable our weather is in this country; one day it can be warm enough to go out in a t-shirt, and the next we’re trying to scrape ice off the car in howling gales.

When winter arrives, we spend a lot of time willing it to snow so the kids can enjoy a snow day, and then complaining that everything is wet and cold because somehow we’d kind of forgotten what snow actually is, because it’s been so long since the last time.

7. We bond with people over who we hate.

When you’re a kid, it is your duty to hate the kids in the school next to yours. As an adult, it’s tradition to hate the people from the next town, particularly if you have rival football teams. But southerners hate northerners, and vice versa, unless the football is on when we all come together to hate the French. The Welsh, Scottish, and Irish all hate the English, but we can often find common ground in hating Americans. It’s just the way it is.

8. We do good deadpan.

British humour (or, decent British humour, some people like Mrs Browns Boys ffs) is dry. Dryer than a dry gin in the middle of the desert. Dryer than Ben Shapiro’s wife. Dryer than my vagina thinking about how you can smell Nigel Farage through a photo.

Lots of people don’t understand that when we say something, there’s at least a 50% chance we’re being sarcastic and in fact mean the exact opposite (Bit chilly out there today? Oh, really, I was just thinking of getting my bikini on!).

Sarcasm may be the lowest form of wit, but f*ck you, I don’t care.

9. We are generally more free with swearing.

…And not just the little swear words. Obviously not everyone loves to swear (we have our fair share of pearl-clutchers) but if you listen to decent British podcasts there will be f*cking and c*nting all over the place in a way you don’t really get elsewhere. A well placed swear is a thing of beauty, and I will die on this hill.

The C-word can even be a term of endearment among friends (this is particularly true in Scotland, so I’m told). Every morning my group chat kicks off with ‘Hi c*nts’ or ‘Hi slags’. Twitter certainly doesn’t understand that, which is why I have to get new accounts so often.

10. If we are really overly polite to you, it probably means we dislike you.

Conversely, we’re generally mean to our friends’ faces and will give them awful, embarrassing nicknames or, as above, greet them with offensive terms. It’s because we love them. Aww.

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