I wrote this post ages ago for another website, but it’s no longer there so I thought I’d share it here and do a slight update 2 or 3 years down the line… New parents, and those that can remember back that far, might relate…
The comedian Michael McIntyre put it succinctly when he said: “The people without children, they think they know. But you have no idea”.
It’s an old clip, but he’s so right.
Before you have kids, you’ll think you know. But you don’t know. You can’t know. And that’s not a criticism at all because before children, I too Did Not Know.
When you become a parent, all of a sudden you do know. And these are just some of the things that you know (and, even worse, eventually forget that you know).
1. How terrifying it is to be suddenly wholly responsible for a new person
Sorry, you’re surely not going to let us walk out of this hospital on our own with this baby are you?!
You thought you were prepared, but you aren’t.
It’s OK, you’re in the same boat as every other new parent before you. A boat where everyone is sleep deprived and slightly terrified of fucking things up and hitting an iceberg.
2. How much effort it takes to do anything
Case in point: Leaving the house on time. Friends without children just won’t understand why you’re consistently half an hour late for everything.
Other new mums will totally get the ‘get to the door, poop explosion, change nappy, feed baby, repeat, actually get to leave’ cycle.
It gets better; slightly. You no longer have to time your entire social life around naps, but you can’t just go anywhere anymore and hope they’ll sleep through it or be entertained by some car keys. And last minute shits are still definitely a thing.
3. What it’s like to hear phantom crying in the shower
I think I reached about four seconds at a time in the shower in those early days, and that was with my baby in the bathroom with me. Same goes for vacuuming (so give up vacuuming, is my advice).
In retrospect, those days seem better than now, when my children will bowl in on me in the shower to demand I fix their TV programme or make them a snack. We should definitely have got locks on the en suite.
4. How to cook and eat a meal one-handed
Sometimes it’s that or not eat at all, particularly through those growth spurts!
5. What is on TV at 3.37am
And 1.03am, and 4.55am and then all day while your baby is feeding.
6. Where all the creaky floor board in the house are
Stepping on one and potentially waking your baby is something you definitely don’t want, especially as it took you an hour to get them to bed in the first place.
7. How much (some) babies hate sleep
You think it’s a myth. It’s not a myth. You forget in time how stubborn babies can be when it comes to just closing their eyes. It is a huge design flaw which affects a not insignificant percentage and quite frankly, someone needs to do something.
8. How much noise someone so small can make
Especially in the dead of night or a quiet restaurant when they are supposed to be asleep.
9. The crazy things you’ll do to get your baby to sleep
Strange combinations of patting and rocking, putting the hairdryer on in the corner of the room, taking them out in the car at 3am, pretending to be asleep next to them, swaddling in organic bamboo cloths you had to remortgage your house to buy, sobbing and begging with them.
Putting four year olds to bed is no picnic, sure, but at least they understand bribery.
10. Why the cliche that parents let their standards slip is all too true
Covered in puke? Why bother changing when they’re only going to do it again, and again and again?
Yea, yea there will always be those brand new mums that have a sparkling house, straightened hair and still make time for Pilates during nap time, and by God they’ll tell you all about it – but most new parents are a week behind on their washing and bulk buy dry shampoo.
11. What it’s like to have strangers ask really personal questions
At no other time in your life would you have people quiz you about your vagina or nipples and yet somehow when you have a brand new baby, apparently it’s all open to discussion.
I’m healing fine, random woman in the queue at Co-Op, thanks so much for asking.
12. The horror that is going from deeply asleep to wide awake
…and then into action in less than a second. There is nothing quite like your baby crying to wake you from the dead and it never seems to get less harrowing.
13. The sights and sounds of the 24-hour Tesco before 6am
There’s nothing quite like a ‘we’ve run out of milk/wipes/nappies/I just need to get this non-sleeping baby out of the house’ dash to the 24-hour supermarket.
14. How to put together a complex travel system in under 10 seconds
As someone who is no longer a new parent, I have no idea how to do this anymore. In fact, I can’t even work my sisters’ buggy, which was mine only a few years ago. Thank goodness I’m freeing up that brain space because I need it for useful things like the names of the My Little Ponies and stuff.
15. How much poo will take over your life
Before kids, you would never ever expect yourself to talk about poo as much as you will as a new parent. The colour, the consistency, quantity, the frequency…
16. How lonely it can be
Babies are mega cute but they don’t do a lot and it can be very isolating for new parents, especially mothers on maternity leave. There is no substitute for adult conversation; how else do you explain the rise of paying extortionate amounts for baby swimming classes and baby sensory?
17. How worth it it all is
For a small bundle of poops and farts and sick that doesn’t really do a lot, they sure are amazing.
I guess that knowing the truth about parenthood, someone without kids might well think ‘Why on earth would you put yourself through that?’, which is fair enough; it’s far from glamorous and on the surface the reward is minimal.
It’s a hard one to answer without sounding smug, really. But when you become a parent, you just know.
Aww, I really enjoyed reading that. It’s all so true