It has just been brought to my attention that it is somehow May. What the fuck? When did that happen?!
This is my fourth monthly update in a row (you can see January’s here, February’s here and March’s here if you’re so inclined) which means I’m on a roll – there’s practically no stopping now.
So let’s get down to business; here are the most exciting moments from April, compiled for your perusal.
I put the washing on the line for the first time this year
Starting strong with the important stuff! It was finally warm and dry enough to put the washing out down here in Berkshire.
It’s just peak middle age excitement, that is. It’s perhaps up there with my new garden clogs in fact.
Pure sex.
My friend Jamie came to visit
Two weeks ago, my partner had to go off to Dubai for work. He didn’t actually make it there in the end, and has had to go back again this week again which is a bit shit. However while he was stuck in Qatar waiting for the rain to stop I had a house guest in the form of my friend Jamie from Daddy & Dad, who came all the way from sunny Rotherham to keep me company.
We went out, we stayed in, we talked, we walked, we took a lot of blurry selfies: it was lovely.
More of this kind of thing please.
We redecorated the bedroom
I use the word ‘we‘ in the loosest possible sense there. But who actually did the decorating isn’t important right now; doesn’t it look lovely?!
You can see a whole post about our bedroom makeover with lots of pictures here.
Izzy got spayed
After being humped relentlessly since we got her, the timing was finally right to get Izzy done. Poor lass.
Minus £400 and one uterus later, she actually seemed to be doing really well with it. She was recovering and full of beans, but yesterday we noticed a big swelling and back to the vets she went. Originally they thought she had a hernia, possibly as a result of being humped by a very big rottweiler (if you’re the owner who stood by and let it happen while Izzy was on a lead because she was recovering, fuck you). Evidently, the spay has not made her less sexy.
It turns out that the swelling was a seroma (fluid build up) and thankfully not something more sinister, but it still cost us another £400, so if you fancy sending wine and dog biscuits I’m not too proud to accept.
This week, she’s being sedated so she doesn’t fuck it up again. If you’ve never seen a dog absolutely off their tits, then I can highly recommend it. She just sat in a bush for half an hour. God knows what’s going on in her little dog brain.
I opened an online shop!
The title makes it sound an awful lot grander than it is, but after Sheila was a little bit rude about my Facebook followers, someone suggested that ‘Rancid and unsavoury‘ would be an excellent thing to have on a t-shirt, or maybe a mug.
A mere five working days later, after the joke was well and truly over, RedBubble verified my account and official Whinge Whinge Wine merch became available.
I’m also making some greetings cards featuring other such dead and buried jokes – you should be able to find them here eventually. In the meantime, you can check out the RedBubble shop here, or check back to see everything I’m selling here.
Thanks for the nudge, Sheila!
(If you have ideas or anything you’d like to see in the shop, do email me here).
I made a lot of American friends
I wrote this post about being British a long time ago and recently reposted it to Facebook. This time it managed to escape and fly across the pond where it infiltrated the newsfeeds of lots of people who didn’t really understand that it was meant to be a joke and not a declaration of war.
Still, some people understood it was supposed to be a bit of fun, and they stuck around, so that’s nice. If you’re reading this and that’s how you found me, then you are very welcome.
I hope you don’t realise your mistake until you’ve had a good scroll through my website and if you’re going to leave in disgust, please make it amusing so I can make your comments into a t-shirt.
Thanks!
If you enjoyed this and you’re feeling generous, you can buy me a cup of tea or a glass of wine – or donate to my houseplant addiction fund – here.
You can also see my Amazon wish list here.