It is officially official; Liz Truss – a woman best described as a vacant Maggie Thatcher cosplayer – is now the Prime Minister of the UK. Around 200,000 Tory members cast their votes over the summer, and a few more of them chose the terminally thick one over the absurdly out of touch one. What a mandate.
As a result there will be a cabinet shake up; Priti Patel has resigned (I thought I felt the earth shudder, like a small amount of evil being released) and Nadine Dorries has popped in her resignation too. Astoundingly she has been offered a peerage, which is a shame really because she was extremely entertaining (in a way) and despite the fact that she would be out of her depth in a puddle, she really didn’t do that much harm comparatively because thankfully she wasn’t allowed to do anything important.
The country isn’t necessarily united in their confidence in Lizzy to hit the ground running (or ‘hit the ground’) as she once tweeted.
Most people in the UK think that, on balance, she’s probably going to be a fucking awful Prime Minister.
I don’t think that’s particularly unfair.
The UK is up shit creek right now and it’s true to say that her time as foreign secretary was mainly spent making awkward gaffes and being photographed wearing a series of hats, looking rather like Philomena Cunk in Moments of Wonder (credit to Twitter for these).
But what do you really know about Liz Truss?
If the answer is ‘not a lot’ then let me enlighten you!
Here are twenty facts* about our new Prime Minister.
1. You might be thinking how nice it is for the Prime Minister to share a name with the Queen she once wanted to get rid of and it is actually true, she was named after the Queen! In fact in both cases, Liz is actually short for Lizard!
2. Truss’s first order of business as PM was to demand her assistant get her a chocolate teapot, as she keeps hearing people talk about them when she leaves a room and they sound great!
3. Liz Truss was only allowed to move on from primary school at the age of 23 because she was too big for the chairs!
4. Liz Truss believes that barking dogs can be used deter drones and stop them flying drugs into prisons illegally. (Wait, that’s true).
5. In 2008 Liz Truss actually spent 3 months in HMP Pentonville. She wasn’t incarcerated, she was just lost!
6. Liz is a huge fan of a U-Turn and will often drive straight past her exit just so she can perform one!
7. In the summer of 2018, just under twelve thousand people replied to a fake Facebook post promising a free motor home to one lucky contestant who shared their date of birth and bank account number. Every single entrant was Liz Truss!
8. When Liz Truss hears a request to use both sides of the escalators, she moves over to stand on both sides of the escalator!
9. Liz Truss’s idol is Mr Benn. She has an special calendar with 365 doors, and behind each door is a picture of herself pretending to do a different job in a different hat!
10. When asked who she would have at her fantasy dinner party, Liz Truss answered: Pol Pot (Great agriculture and education policy), Dora the Explorer (exemplar for women everywhere), Boris Johnson (so she could copy him and know which item of cutlery to use first) and her auntie Pauline!
11. Liz Truss embarrassed herself when visiting Russia as she thought the Kremlin was a fluffy creature which you shouldn’t get wet after midnight!
12. In her final year of secondary school, Liz was voted most likely to form a long lasting emotional relationship with a piece of furniture by her friends classmates!
13. Liz Truss is extremely keen on cheese, but none of that foreign imported fromage muck – That. Is. A. Disgrace. She only eats good old English cheddar, washed down with Yorkshire tea made in Yorkshire, and gets through 4lb of the stuff a week!
14. Liz Truss’s favourite colour is blue, unless people want it to be red, in which case Liz Truss is fully committed to having red as her favourite colour!
15. Liz Truss thinks skunks are cats who’ve accidentally leant against some wet paint!
16. Liz Truss’s favourite TV show is Mrs Brown’s Boys!
17. If Liz Truss could travel through time, she’d go back 5 years and take a stack of newspapers for every day that year. Then she could always correctly predict the weather and make people think she’s clever!
18. Liz Truss once won a game of scrabble against a duck!
19. Liz Truss has played scrabble against a duck 14 times!
20. Liz Truss doesn’t believe in the cost of living crisis because you can’t even see heat, so how can it cost money?
*May not be true. But might be!
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