Apparently Facebook has a ‘mentorship programme’ for groups, and it’s currently inviting people to join mine (for this group, in case you weren’t aware) presumably so that old hands at this parenting lark can help the newbies navigate life with their child, from newborn to teenager, without breaking a sweat. Easy peasy.
It might seem a bit silly, but the NCT charge hundreds for their courses and they barely cover the first month (and arguably they don’t even do that properly). Also, let’s face it, if you really don’t know how a nappy goes on you can always Google it with the handy little Google machine in your hand. I think there is a definite gap in the market for a course covering those things that you can’t just Google with ease.
Never one to shy away from a business opportunity I thought I’d put together a schedule for the Whinge With Wine Mentorship Programme: Parenting like an absolute boss course, suitable for anyone that’s currently pregnant, has a baby or just really wants a day off of parenting with biscuits thrown in.
Here’s how I see it going:
5:27am (This is a special treat just for the pregnant attendees):
The course administrator (not me, because I’ll be asleep) turns up at your house and demands breakfast and episodes of Peppa Pig. But not that breakfast, and not that episode. This cheery little glimpse into the future is merely a fun icebreaker, and the course doesn’t start until, say, 10am. After coffee, and maybe a bacon sandwich to stick with the Peppa theme. I haven’t ironed out all of the minor details yet.
Nb. There will be coffee/tea and jaffa cakes available during the sessions, and you can pee whenever the fuck you like, because you’re an adult now and let’s face it, no one wants to waste time ‘networking’.
10am: Lesson one
‘Do not lick that, it might not be chocolate’ and other classic newbie mistakes to avoid.
11am: Lesson two
WHY WON’T THEY STOP CRYING?! Are they hungry? Too hot? Too cold? Overtired? Just an arsehole? Were you Hitler in a previous life? This is an explorative abstract session (with no real answers).
12pm: Lesson three
Sleep: Why some kids just don’t sleep, dealing with severe sleep deprivation through dark humour, and how not to punch parents who show off about their babies sleeping through.
1-2pm *BREAK TIME*
This will come with sandwiches maybe, or perhaps cheese and biscuits? And cake. And wine (for the non-pregnant people, obviously).
2pm: Lesson four
Making the most of nap time i.e. how to eat a packet of Jaffa cakes and sink three cups of tea, and make it LOOK like you did some housework by spraying Febreeze and plumping a few cushions.
3pm: Lesson five
Wine tasting: Discover which wines pair best with potty training disasters and various degrees of toddler tantrums. Pregnant participants can choose to attend or to take an afternoon nap instead and take home the PowerPoint and wines for use in the future.
4pm: Lesson six
Advanced parenting techniques including how to look interested in boring kid shit such as Kinder Egg unboxing videos and Minecraft without actually paying any attention and the use of bribery rewards as an effective parenting strategy.
5pm: Lesson seven
How to deal with the realisation that NO ONE, not even your own parents, know what the fuck they’re doing and accepting your fate.
6pm: Course close
At this point, you can either go home, or alternatively you can tell everyone it’s a two day course, book into a hotel and treat yourself to a bath and a takeaway and a good night’s sleep.
At only £120 for the whole day including food and all the wine you can drink (I’m envisaging we get a sponsor here, I don’t know. As I said, I’ve not ironed out the details) I can see the Whinge With Wine Mentorship Programme: Parenting like an absolute boss course becoming a serious rival to the NCT courses. We might even extend it to cover older kids; in fact it could be an entire worldwide parenting sensation. You never know.
Where do I sign up?