A long, long time ago, at my C-of-E school-leavers’ church service, the vicar who was leading the service apparently thought ‘twat’ was a mild, wholesome insult like ‘twit’ or ‘numpty’.
A 16-year-old me found this pretty hilarious, and the memory of an elderly Christian priest jovially referring to ‘naughty’ people from his biblical tales as ‘twats’ (which, in fairness, they probably were. Huge ones) has stayed with me for a long time.
I decided to check in with page fans and members of Dafuq is Dis to find out about any word fails they’ve had.
Turns out, the innocent word fail is a common affliction.
I thought bungalow was a swear word. But that was really my parent’s fault. Danielle from Someone’s Mum
My nana had clitoris* growing nicely in her garden.
*Clematis. It’s a clematis, nana. Laura
I wanted to be a solicitor at one point when I was younger. Told my dad I could just see myself soliciting in a few years times. He had to explain what I’d said that was so funny. Lisa
I clearly remember calling my dad a dildo in my teens. I had no idea what it meant. He wouldn’t tell me the meaning and told me to look it up in the dictionary. Nicky
My brother got my Mum a necklace for her birthday one year and she insisted on walking around the party using this exact phrase… ‘Paul gave me a pearl necklace’ over and over. Kirsty
My mother-in-law went to her grave thinking that ‘dildo’ was a generic mild insult. My husband remembers being told to ‘stop being a dildo!’ when he was acting up as a child. Anna
I had a teacher call the class a bunch of gimps, she was using it as a term of endearment. Kathleen
This is certainly a fancy way of putting it.
My best friend spent years (as in she’s 33 and just found out the truth…) thinking that ‘ballache’ was pronounced ‘ballash’ (or ballàche as I now use it in conversation) and that it meant ‘fancy’ or ‘pizzazz’. Like ‘oooh I like your sequinned dress it’s got a lot of ballàche’. Charlie
My daughter thought the word misled was pronounced myzzled for years. Linda
When mansplaining goes wrong.
My husband: “Alex, are you uncapable of…..”
Me: “Are you INcapable of using the word incapable, despite me correcting you 12345678 times?”
Husband: “Just don’t speak to me, Alex.” Alexandra
My husband took the piss out of me thinking I spelt chutney wrong on a shopping list. Turns out he always thought it was chuckney. Keeley
My husband adds an extra ‘a’ in Carbonara so pronounces it Carabonara. Laura
Acronyms can be tricky, I guess
I had the piss taken out of me at work recently for borrowing a car who’s number plate was MILF, they were all laughing and saying things and I remember feeling quite offended thinking it was another term for a simpleton and was quite upset but went along laughing saying yeah thanks guys – was only a couple of weeks ago I found out what it actually means! Clare
My friend thinks LOL means ‘lots of love’ and puts it in sympathy cards. Gaynor
When I was a teacher a yr11 boy called me a MILF. The kids cracked up and I had no idea whether to tell him off or not as I had no clue what it meant! Trina
And finally, I’ll leave you with these from our very own Dafuq admins Sam & Cassie.
My parents told me parachutes was a swear word when I was younger. They walked in on me and my sister whispering ‘parachutes, parachutes, parachutes’ over and over afterwards. Sam
When I was younger I asked my Dad why he had got someone else to fit the carpets in our house. He looked confused and I said ‘but you’re a carpeter, that’s your job!’. He burst out laughing, mocked me for hours, ‘No, I’m a carpenter, Cassie’. I have never lived it down. Cassie
Haha, this has reminded me of when, in my teens, I was talking to my parents about a rather small friend and, rather rudely I admit, referred to him aa a “runt”. My father exploded with rage and forbade me to ever use that word again. Turns out he’d thought it meant the same as a similar wird beginning with the letter C