It’s fair to say that the whole country is on tenterhooks waiting for Sue Gray to reveal the findings of her investigation.
Was Boris Johnson’s party a party, or was the party not in fact a party, but instead something other than a party? What about the other 20 parties? Were they also parties? Should Boris just f*ck off and resign? Of course he should. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves; only Sue is in possession of the facts. Only Sue can help us now.
But who is Sue Gray?
What do we know about this enigma… This international woman of mystery?
Well, you’re in luck. I’ve pieced together everything I can find about her.
Here are 20(ish) things you might not know about Sue Gray*!
Sue Gray is afraid of ducks, and once hid in a public telephone box in Mitcham for 2 hours to avoid contact with a feisty looking Mallard.
Sue Gray owns three entire collections of the ITV drama series “Mad Slags”, on VHS, DVD and Blu-Ray.
Sue Gray’s favourite colour is, ironically, not grey! It’s blue.
Sue Gray was once an extra in an episode of Neighbours. She played Toadfish’s fleeting love interest, and had one line which was unfortunately cut out post-production.
Sue Gray was once the third fastest hurdler in Spain.
Sue Gray was the inspiration behind two separate Bond girls, though she is contractually unable to say which ones.
Sue Gray often eats potatoes. The potato is a starchy tuber of the plant Solanum tuberosum and is a root vegetable native to the Americas. The plant is a perennial in the nightshade family Solanaceae and tastes best when roasted in goose fat.
“Suegray” is French for “Lying bastard”
Sue Gray suffers from seminal plasma hypersensitivity, which she unfortunately discovered on the set of Bukkake Party 7. She is also allergic to sesame oil, which is a shame because she really likes humous.
Sue Gray has a naturally low resting blood pressure of 91/62.
Sue Gray was a Consultant Stunt Driver for the first six Fast & Furious movies.
Sue Gray is not allowed within 25 metres of a Dorothy Perkins shop. She knows why.
Sue Gray is the colour of the walls in the guest toilet at Number 10, which is Michael Gove’s favourite place to take a ‘morning after the night before’ dump.
Sue Gray was once cautioned for trying to ride the horse statue in Trafalgar Square but has never been arrested, although if you ask her if she’s done anything illegal she’ll wink at you and pat her nose with her finger.
Sue Gray was one of the conceptual artists behind one of England’s premier tourist attractions, the London Eye, except in her drawings it was a lot faster and more exciting.
Sue Gray invented Five Spice.
Sue Gray is the unnamed hero behind the TGI Fridays cocktail menu, having spent the summer of 1992 in Jamaica, learning how to create the perfect summer drink.
As a teenager, Sue Gray appeared in the local paper when she took part in a 24 hour music marathon to raise money for her school. It raised £29.76.
Sue Gray is the illegitimate child of Frank Black and Betty White.
Sue Gray was bought a one-metre square piece of land in Scotland for her 32nd birthday, which makes her formal title Baroness Sue Gray although this is only recognised on the remote island of Lesser Scrotom.
Sue Gray in intensely superstitious, and won’t venture out the house without first dressing backwards, then undressing and redressing correctly.
Sue Gray is an anagram of “I like to eat badgers’ faces”.
Sue Gray can do a remarkably convincing Australian accent.
Sue Gray has a BTEC Level 3 National Diploma in Countryside Management.
Sue Gray always uses the word ‘STARE’ as her first guess on Wordle.
Sue Gray is one of 18 women in the UK who has NOT been impregnated by Boris Johnson. Yet.
*None of these are true. Probably. Apart from obviously that one… If you’re disappointed, I guess you can read this instead?