With two children I’ve been around the social media block a bit, and what with being in a fair few parenting groups I am very well acquainted by now with the humblebrag.
A humblebrag, for the uninitiated, is a boast which is cunningly disguised as a self-deprecating comment or complaint.
For example: ‘I’m so pretty, people won’t give me a job!’ (Anyone else remember that woman?).
Having witnessed many a humblebrag, I have concluded that the reason they’re so common is because it’s seen to be bad form (or maybe just un-British) to be openly proud of your children.
I don’t really understand why; I think it’s great to be proud of your kids and their achievements. Parents should be proud. Even when we are – quite frankly – distinctly average, our parents are programmed to think we are wonderful; that’s what they are there for. Our own little cheerleading team there to build up our self-esteem and confidence for the future.
I’d argue that there is definitely room for a good old fashioned boast now and again.
Why not? A skype video call to grandparents to mark a new milestone, or maybe a celebratory Facebook or Instagram post, even if it is about something that is absolutely nothing to do with your ability as a parent; getting first teeth, for example, is really a ridiculous thing to be excited by, but we still do it.
Of course, constantly updating your friends about what your little darling has achieved today may start to wear on people eventually, but they always have the option of hiding your feed.
Anyway, I say brag, brag away.
Tell the world how happy you are about your baby’s achievements, just try not to do it like this:
“I’m worried that my baby sleeps too much – she did 13 hours last night and then went back down again straight after breakfast. I’m worried she won’t have time to learn anything!”
Dear God, don’t be this person. There will be plenty of mums listening who’ve survived on naps for six months who will be trying very hard not to burst into tears or punch you in the face.
“He just won’t touch biscuits, he only really likes fruit and veg. My mum made him some homemade cake and he wouldn’t touch it! She was very upset”
This one is just bound to come back to bite you when they’re a toddler and refuse to eat anything that’s not beige, entirely devoid of anything remotely resembling vegetation, and of course presented in a blue bowl.
“Everyone warned me newborns would cry a lot, but she hardly ever cries at all. I’m worried something might be wrong?”
If you’re actually worried then it should go without saying: Go to a doctor. Otherwise just enjoy your happy baby; take it from me, colic is not something to be relished.
“He’s only saying daddy and not mummy. I’m really put out! I hope by the time he’s 6 months old he can say it!”
Yes yes your four month old is a freaking genius and everyone believes you and isn’t rolling their eyes at you because BABIES CANNOT TALK.
“We got given a pack of expensive muslins that we’ve never even opened because he just isn’t a sicky baby. Such a shame, they were beautiful.”
That must be just so terrible for you.
“He is way too independent – I do wish he’d be a little bit upset when I go, but he’d happily be passed to a complete stranger!”
Don’t say this to a mother whose child has severe separation anxiety and has a screaming fit every time she goes for a pee because it is nice for a day or two and then very very tiresome for the years that follow.
“I am worried he’ll be a pushover. He seems to share with his sister and they never fight which I thought was normal for little children.”
“I can’t leave anything around now she’s walking, I thought I had a few months left but she’s so advanced.”
Actually as the mother of an annoyingly mobile baby I do feel a lot of sympathy for this one. It’s not fun to leave the room and come back to them standing on top of the fireguard, but know your audience, and make sure that you’re not actually just trying to make everyone tell you how clever your kid is because I tell you now, there isn’t necessarily a correlation there. The one that walked quickest isn’t necessarily the one with all the smarts.
“I’ve lost so much weight breastfeeding that none of my clothes fit anymore!”
Yes, you may well use more calories breastfeeding, but what they don’t tell you is that you’ll be ravenous day and night and live with one arm in the fridge at all times.
Or maybe it was just me that, despite breastfeeding every 40 minutes forever, put on even more ‘baby weight’ once my baby was born… and it’s coming up for four years now so I’m not sure I can call it that any more.
“I feel bad because my kid happily plays quietly and contently on his own, but I feel like I should be providing more stimulation.”
I love playing on the floor, said no mum ever.