Yea, babies. BABIES. Not mine, obviously. My two are now very BIG school kids. However they are very very proud to be big cousins to my sister’s almost-ten-month-old boy.
Before he was born, I idly wondered if the whole thing would leave me broody but despite him being the best baby (I am the first to say that I hate the phrase ‘good baby‘ but that aside, he’s totally a good baby. You put him in his cot and he turns over and goes to SLEEP. I didn’t even know that babies did that to be honest) I’m really not tempted.
I do however very occasionally get the chance to keep him ALL TO MYSELF for a little while and I quite enjoy that. He’s a lovely little chap, in the way that first babies really have to be to keep people having more.
Earlier this week was one such day and he was all mine for just under eight hours, which is the longest so far.
Blinking heck, babies really are exhausting aren’t they?
Even though I am sure that I promised myself I would never ever forget everything I went through while parenting very tiny humans, it emerges that actually, I did.
Of course all parenting is hard, but it’s different types of hard. While it’s definitely tough having to explain difficult topics to a six year old, or know what to say when they have decided they hate school, physically babies are pretty relentless because there isn’t any downtime at all. Even when they’re asleep you’re basically just waiting for them to wake up again.
Here are some of the things I’d completely forgotten about babies:
1. Why it’s a really bad idea to leave tissues at a grabbable height
And the look of sheer joy on their faces when you just let them go at it because it’s much easier to let them than try to get them to play with any of the exciting toys you’ve crawled through the spiders’ webs in the loft to find.
2. How mind numbing TV for babies is
…And how, even when they’ve been fast asleep for half an hour, you realise you’ve been sat there watching it anyway.
I’ve been quite glad to have moved on to more cerebral programming such as Paw Patrol although after months of being ‘too old for CBeebies’ it’s taken precisely one day for my kids to decide that actually they love it after all.
3. Why you never get to finish a cup of tea
When your kids are older, you can more or less tell them to piss off so you can drink tea in peace, but babies just don’t understand that and they can’t be left to entertain themselves because they’re basically dumb and will kill or maim themselves. They want to be in your lap, poking your face, smashing your keyboard, grabbing your phone and stuff.
Older kids are also much less likely to scald themselves if you put a hot cup of tea down somewhere within arms reach, which is why I no longer have to keep my tea on top of the fish tank with all the other tea I’ve forgotten about.
4. How dirty the carpet is
I do vacuum, I promise! In fact, I did it FIVE MINUTES AGO.
So where are all these little bits coming from that he’s gleefully stuffing into his mouth? Urgh, babies.
5. How totally unsafe your entire house is
Cables lying around, fireguards that aren’t attached, drawers that open and then close slamming teeny tiny fingers inside. This house is a motherfreaking death trap for curious babies.
See also: How many things my kids leave laying about that are entirely possible to choke on.
6. The dullness of the baby cycle
I think back to the days when I used to do it all day, every day and I admire all the parents going through it now. Play peekaboo for a bit, stick on CBeebies maybe, feed, change, nap (drink tea), play, feed, change, sleep…
Q: WHEN do you get anything done? A: You don’t really.
In the end I did get much better at getting out and about, but I also remember a lot of time spent indoors waiting for babies to poop/fall asleep/wake up, lots of cancelled plans because routines hadn’t gone to time and quite a lot of time spent thinking ‘it just isn’t worth it’.
7. How much they enjoy food
Not all babies, I’m sure; but mine, just like their cousin, were little baby birds who’d hold their mouths permanently open for whatever vile concoctions of vegetables I put into it them.
Now they complain if anything remotely healthy (other than cucumber or tomatoes, weirdly – I always hated tomatoes) graces their plate, let alone consider putting it anywhere near their mouth.
It’s quite satisfying to make food and then see it eaten with absolute gusto, even if it is just scrambled eggs.
8. How important nap time is
For them, so they can recharge their batteries but also for you, so that you can. God I miss naps.
9. Why you shouldn’t try to change nappies when the dog is in the same room
Basically dogs are gross.
10. How great gummy smiles and baby snuggles are
There is nothing that compares to the joy on a baby’s face when they get to rip up a tissue/play peekabo/you pull a stupid face/they surprise themselves with a fart. Now all I get is rolled eyes and grimaces.
Sleepy baby cuddles are the best thing ever and when your baby is a four or five year old snot machine it’s just not the same. Get all the cuddles in while you can.
If you don’t have one, I urge you to borrow a baby and do it now; it’ll make your whole day better.