Read the rest of my Corona Lockdown diaries here.
It’s the end of the school year, and the summer holidays are upon us. At long bloody last!
Unlike previous years, when I’ve dreaded the six week break, this year I’m quite looking forward to it. It’ll be business as usual, without the trauma of homeschooling. Lovely.
It’s fair to say that homeschooling has been a mixed bag.
Whilst trying to keep on top of the little freelance work that’s trickled in, most of the teaching has fallen to my furloughed husband which is good because he is undoubtedly the more patient of the two of us.
Or was.
He can be as shouty as me these days. I must admit, I get a perverse pleasure in seeing my usually-calm husband, who used to deal effortlessly with the children’s nonsense while I was rocking in a corner after a day of relentless parenting, telling the kids he has HAD ENOUGH.
I wouldn’t say that learning at home has been a complete failure though.
Here are some things that my children have learned over the last 18 weeks:
1. A whole new vocabulary
Bugger off being quite a key new addition.
I’ve never met two children more intent on anything than mine are on wandering in on me to ask inane questions while I’m on the loo. I honestly wish we’d got a lock on the en-suite door but it didn’t seem worth it at the time. Fool.
We’ve also been watching Vicar of Dibley (it’s a classic) and have made a game of attempting to cough over the rude bits with varying degrees of success.
2. How to make breakfast
…And lunch, and forage for snacks.
In this house it’s every man for himself and if you’re hungry (incidentally, something I hear around 10,000 times a day) and it is outside of set meal times (ie. when I have already made food, or haven’t made it yet) you sort yourself out. This snack slave quit weeks ago. I am over it, kids.
And, talking of food, whether it is an age thing or the fact that we’re sitting down as a family more often, they are trying more new things without kicking up an almighty fuss. This is good, because for the first ten weeks or so of lockdown we were doing one supermarket shop every two weeks and it was very much a case of eat what you’re given or go without.
3. How to use Facetime
It started off with regular calls to family, now apparently my six year old is entirely capable of Facetiming her friends whenever she fancies it, even though we changed the passcode on the iPad.
To be fair they seem to read to each other occasionally so it’s educational and it keeps her amused so I’m not arguing.
However you’ve never known real fear until your daughter Facetimes her friend while you’re in the bath, and you realised you forgot to lock the door.
4. How to operate the TV
They can now both use the remote control proficiently to access Netflix, Disney Plus and Amazon Prime without any help from an adult. #proud
5. Some exciting facts about nature
Namely that turtles can breathe through their butts. Thanks, Frozen 2! (Amusingly, we weren’t the only ones. Emma from Happy Family Hub also had this, and she googled it to make sure it was true. The term is ‘cloacal respiration’. So ner).
6. How to assemble a Lego set with no help
A skill that will, I’m sure, come in extremely handy one day.
7. How to peg the washing out
After the tumble dryer broke in spectacular, smoky fashion mid lockdown, we spent ninety bastard quid on a fancy rotary washing line (affiliate link; I have to pay for it somehow). Our previous one was lying in the garage, broken, and this fancy pants Brabantia one was the only one left in stock at our local Argos.
However the redeeming feature is that you can lower it enough that the kids can peg out the washing and that is basically the life hack of the century.
8. How to ride a bike
They got their very first bikes this month, and although we haven’t ditched the stabilisers yet, we’re getting there. Given they’d never been on a bike before three weeks ago (they’ve always favoured their scooters), they’re getting on well.
9. How to entertain themselves
They’ve become quite adept at amusing each other, which has been fabulous. If you’re going to go through lockdown I do recommend siblings with a close age gap (older girl, younger boy seems to work out well if you can manage that) because although they spend about one third of each day screaming at each other, they play nicely for about another third, which just leaves the other third of the time complaining to us about each other, being bored and/or hungry.
Suddenly, the horror that was having a toddler a baby, and then two toddlers at the same time, seems worth it.
10. How to push bedtime as late as possible
Am still waiting for the corresponding lie in.
11. How to social distance and wear a mask without complaining
A skill that it seems is beyond quite a few adults. It’s a mask for fuck’s sake, not a hazmat suit.