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Tuesday, 30 August 2016

Sweet little lies: Mealtime deceit and other lies we tell kids

Sweet little lies: Mealtime deceit and other lies we tell kids

A little white lie never hurt anyone, so they say.


A friend of mine, who has two small children of similar ages (and therefore a similar glazed over expression and mental state) shared with me this list of meals that they make for their family, and, crucially, what they call the meals in order that the toddler will entertain the idea of eating them.


Amazing list of food
It amused me for several reasons. The first is that I am quite clearly a shit cook (possibly just a shit parent) in comparison; my repertoire is nowhere near as varied. My poor kids probably get slight variations on the same 5 or 6 meals. Or, if they've been awful and I just want to go and drown myself in Sauvignon Blanc quietly in a hole, fish fingers. Trying them on new things, however exciting, seems like a futile waste of energy.
Spag bol always goes down a treat.
Except on alternate Tuesdays if a blue bowl is used.
The second reason is that one of the few meals they will happily eat is Egg Cakes' which are essentially omelettes cooked in cupcake cases. Because omelettes are clearly the work of the devil, but something that looks like a cake is A-OK. Score one for toddler logic. I was happy to hear it wasn't just me. So happy in fact that I published it on the internet for the whole world* to see.

It made me think about the other little harmless untruths that spill forth from my untrustworthy lips. I’m not talking huge fibs, ones that will cause the Whingelets embarrassment when they finally discover the truth and which will call into question everything I have ever told them; no broccoli vans or child catchers. Yet. Although I did tell her today that carrots would help her see in the dark, and in my defence it worked... No, nothing too severe. Merely those little white lies we tell when we try to spare our children from the harsh reality; sometimes, we just don't wanna.

It's broken!
The TV is broken, see? Nothing happens when I press this button, see? Daddy will fix it when he comes home. Alternatively...

The batteries have run out
Yup, run right out of your toy and into something more important, or at least less noisy, obnoxious and repetitive. I might even be bluffing, they might be perfectly fine.
Meowsic: A bafflingly stupid purchase by Daddy.
Buy one for a kid whose parents you hate today!
There isn't any left, sorry
This packet of crisps/dairy milk/wine is not good for small people, I'm being a good mother by denying it to you. Or maybe I just don't want to share.

I don't have any money
...So you can't go on that Peppa Pig rocket/scary unsafe-looking vehicle that this garden centre have quite clearly had longer than I've been alive. Wait til we come with Daddy, I bet he'll have some money. He always does...

Daddy/Nanny/Someone you might listen to says you should
Apparently my authority just isn't enough sometimes. Sometimes I even have to stage a telephone call. It is hard work having wilful toddlers.

It's bedtime
Sometimes 7pm can be really, really far away. 6pm is nearer and quite frankly, sometimes the thought of not being able to poo in peace for another hour is quite frankly too grim to contemplate.
What lies do you tell your young children? Or am I a horrible, horrible person? Is my friend setting her toddler up to a very embarrassing future first-date scenario during which he remarks upon his companion's Big Chicken Nuggets?

*My facebook followers. Not quite the same thing


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77 comments:

  1. Oh you are not alone! So many white lies. Youngest thinks chicken is special sausages and that all of her very loud toys have worn out....We have to do what we can to survive. Also every Friday the clocks are wound forward and bedtime comes early. Whoop!

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  2. Golden vegetable rice = golden mermaid pasta. Of course, makes perfect sense if you love pasta, hate rice and really really like mermaids. Call it rice and it won't get eaten.

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  3. But carrots do help you see in the dark! That one is real! Mine believed that the car would stop if their seat belts weren't buckled. And that the world was black and white when I was a kid (that would have to grandma's childhood for you). Love the blog!

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  4. This is still making me laugh and feel less like a bad parent for my white lies ;-) #KCACOLS

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  5. Ha! After a spell of awfulness our TV was 'broken' for three weeks!

    Love the list!

    Shoebox of Memories

    #KCAOLS

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  6. Great List - I have to learn a few tricks! xx

    #KCACOLS

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  7. I can totally relate to this... white lies is always a savior, isn't it? Now that my kids learned how to operate a tablet and TV, I sometimes tell them that internet is not working so they can play with their toys instead of just being glued on tablet or TV. And yeah it always works, lol. #KCACOLS.

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  8. Since Mini T turned 2 and therefore understands more, I have been lying more and more. Current favourite "it's got mucky beer in it" to any food or drink I don't want him to have! #KCACOLS

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  9. I love this. I've become a lying expert since SB turned two. #KCACOLS

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  10. yes, yes, yes! Very guilty of these, especially the TV (to iPad) being broken! #KCACOLS

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  11. Don't worry about white lies. Whatever it takes sometimes! If it can make you feel better, I am a shit cook too and I am Frenchie. So people always expect me to cook coq au vin and boeud bourguignon every week! #KCACOLS.

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  12. You are definitely not alone. Most of our meals are cheesy something. I'm also one for saying the batteries have run out a lot. People (who don't have kids) seem to like buying us annoying noisy toys, which is very annoying. #kcacols

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  13. All the time! Wait til there a teen and become vegetarian but don't eat vegetables. No amount of fancy talk around that...

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  14. I love the idea of egg cakes. Genius. Big Munch is still a fussy eater so we have to be creative and keep trying new things if we have the time and energy! It's not easy to come up with an amazing family menu though. Today she ate cous cous because she thinks its rice! #KCACOLS

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  15. I have about 6 meals that get repeated every week and I always lie about bedtime if it's been one of those days xx #KCACOLS

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  16. I have about 6 meals that get repeated every week and I always lie about bedtime if it's been one of those days xx #KCACOLS

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  17. Ha, ha! I cant believe how many of these I have used myself. Its broken - yep! The batteries have run out, yep! There isnt any left, yep! I dont have any money, yep! Pretty much all of them lol. The other one I am finding I've been using has been about the dentist to get the little one to brush her teeth regularly ;-) Emily #KCACOLS

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  18. Egg cakes = genius. You must immediately be promoted to Queen of Everything! My two are yet to discover that there is a button on top of the telly that will override any number of their frantic remote control button pushing efforts, for when I just can't face any more kiddy nonsense on tv. Phew!
    x Alice
    #kcacols

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  19. We used to tell our daughter all meat was the baby animal to get her to eat it. That is really creepy now that I think about it...#KCACOLS

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  20. Definitely not the only one! I've not had to lie yet but I have a seven month old-too young to negotiate! My mum used to tell my brother that pork was chicken. He wouldn't eat pork because he liked pigs. #kcacols

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  21. Ha ha, Spag Bol and Fish Fingers it is then! The things we tell our kids to get them to eat! In our house all small vegetables are sweetcorn...well sweetcorn has 'sweet' in the title so it's got to be good, right!

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  22. Oh God, I always use the 'i have no money for that ride' excuse. My on also loves buses, dunno why, he just wants to ride one home every time we walk into town, I always say I don't have the right money for it! Love this post xx #KCACOLS

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  23. You've cracked me up, as always! I have no doubt I'll be spinning all these yarns in the future when Josh is a bit older! TV is most definitely going to be broken a lot!! xx #KCACOLS

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  24. I've got the little white lies all stored away for when I can, and will, use them!! And my menu planning is all variations of cheesy pasta! #kcacols

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  25. I think every parent is "guilty" of this haha I love the names for meals. #kcacols

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  26. I remember my parents using those lines on me and I use them on my children. So, HURRAY!! To anything that will make our life easier for five minutes #KCACOLS

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  27. Haha I use pretty much all of these! I'm always telling my boy things are broken. I love how often sausages and spa blo feature on that list of food :) xx #KCACOLS

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  28. I think we all do this don't we! The best one I ever told was when Olivia decided she didn't like carrots anymore. We got the small carrots (forgot the name) and said nanny grows them in her back garden. For months we had bags of 'nannys' carrots in the freezer just in case lol!The best thing is nanny has fake grass 2 shed, a patio set and a swing in her garden and in no way anywhere to grow said carrots. In my defence it's her own fault for not questioning us ;) #kcacols

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  29. My 4 yr old loves watching YouTube on my phone so i oftern turn it off and say the battery has died or when we have to leave his Nan's house and he doesnt want to i tell them that nanna is getting old and has to go to be ( it's normally 4 p.m !! ) #KCACOLS

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  30. If I tried to count all the white lies I told in a day I would lose count! #KCACOLS

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  31. Oh I'm so with you! I love the idea of egg cakes, I must try that as I bet Mia would eat anything in a case! I feel like an awful mum sometimes but I think we are all doing our best! I'm always telling me I don't have any more pennies or that the batteries have run out however as a bright 3yr old, shes becoming harder to fool! :)

    #KCACOLS

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  32. I use the 'it's not working anymore' lie all the time. To the extent that one of my little girl's first phrases was 'Not working now'. When she's going to bed and asks for a toy that's not within my immediate reach, I also tell her that the toy is fast asleep (no matter what toy it is!). And whatever she's eating, I always tell her it's got cheese in, because cheese is the one thing I know she'll happily eat. I could go on and on... So yes, lying is perfectly fine in my book! #KCACOLS

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  33. When the ice cream van plays a tune, it's to let us know they have run out! I've pretty much done all of the above too- especially faking early bedtime! Can't get away with it now the oldest 2 can tell the time though! #KCACOLS

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  34. I am sure it's not just you. We're not at that stage yet, but I already disctract Peachy with tv when she doesn't want to eat her dinner. When the tv is on, the mouth goes on auto-pilot. #KCACOLS

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  35. I'm pretty sure I've told all of these at some point Fran!! And most food is 'cheesy' something or other in an attempt to get him to eat it. My husband uses a good one often ... Particularly when Arthur wakes multiple times in the night, it's called 'daddy is asleep' - he hasn't fooled me though so I'm pretty sure Arthur wil cotton on soon enough lol #kcacols

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  36. Bloody love this! I tell all these lies and more! It's meant to rain today so we can't go to park. Your bike had a puncture so will just walk today. You get the point. ##KCACOLS

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  37. Sometimes mine want to go somewhere so I will pretend to call the place and then tell them they are closed. And I don't feel bad about it one bit! #KCACOLS thanks for hostessing :))

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  38. You're definitely not the only one! I think I've done all of the things on your list at one point or another! x #KCACOLS

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  39. Oh I have definitely used the batteries excuse! Quite a lot. There are a lot of noisy toys in our house (thanks Grandma!) #KCACOLS

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  40. I think I have told every one of those porkies above. Along with its raining, when it's clearly sunny - more for the kids for believing me I say. The slide at the park is broken. But my all time fav is one of yours - it's gone. Everything is always gone. Tammymum

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  41. No white lies yet but I'm sure I'll be using all of these when I have to reason with him soon! #kcacols

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  42. Oops #KCACOLS Tammymum

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  43. Lol I have done / still do all of those things! And my 5 year old doesn't eat a diet as varied as your friend's toddler!

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  44. Oh god I've used all these lies - you just have to get better at it as they get older. Like I tell my teens they can't have a house party because it's against the terms of my contents insurance and that I did not start drinking alcohol until I was 21 (ahem). #KCACOLS

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  45. Completely not alone! With my first one I would set tea time earlier, start talking about how late it was getting, close the curtains earlier and do my best to get him in to bed a little earlier!

    It was what was needed to be a good parent again the next day! #KCACOLS

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  46. I think we all use these little fibs as a way to make life easier. My kids are older and we still do it. "Are there any biscuits left?" "No sweetheart, we only bought a small packet" The rest are hiding in my wardrobe til after you go to bed lol.
    #KCACOLS

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  47. I love this! A white lie never hurt anyone and they are definitely required at times!! #KCACOLS

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  48. Love this post! Your friend's list made me laugh so much, equally made me feel like a crap cook! Think I'm going to have to use some of those white lies with my daughter! #KCACOLS

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  49. Before I had kids I'd always planned on being brutally honest about everything, including Father Christmas. Now I have them, I've become the biggest fibber ever. "This type of chocolate is only good for mummies." #KCACOLS

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  50. Yep yep yep said them all and dont feel guilty in the slightest haha #KCACOLS

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  51. I tell my toddler when he doesn't want to brush his teeth that "the tooth fairy comes when your baby teeth fall out and gives you money, but she won't take black teeth, so you have to brush to get money." and my toddler loves money so.. it works, every. single. time. haha I don't feel guilty! #KCACOLS

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  52. Your friend's list is hilarious...love that they have to call Spagetti Bolognase, Spag Bol! I've used all of these, many times, plus the ole' favourite: the ice-cream van plays a tune when it's ran out of ice-cream! #KCACOLS

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  53. Haha! Love that list! I have SO done the 'It's Bedtime guys" lie... #KCACOLS

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  54. I am going to write down these little gems for future use!!! Great post as always. #KCACOLS

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  55. This list is so funny, I also nearly bust a gut when I read about egg pies, brilliant!!:)
    mainy x
    #KCACOLS

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  56. Haha I use all of these! The bedtime one is used daily in our house! My 3 (nearly 4) year old just won't tidy up. She just seems physically incapable of it at times, and it is the cause of most meltdowns these days - I tell her tat if she doesn't tidy up the binman will come and take away all of her toys! I still remember all the little white lies my parents told me and I am fine, kinda :-) #KCACOLS

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  57. This is priceless, really made me laugh! Was waiting for spag bol fish finger pie to appear on the list ha ha #KCACOLS

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  58. I can totally relate! I've become a compulsive liar to survive! Here's something to add to your list - if the kids insist on bringing their pets along on an overseas trip, tell them their pets don't have a passport!

    #KCACOLS

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  59. Great post! Wish I hadn't been so darn honest! Now my kids are older so hard to pull the wool over their eyes - but have given me some ideas...maybe homemade noodle stir-fry can become pot noodles! #KCACOLS

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  60. OH my goodness, the number of times I've threatened FC#1 with telling Mrs G (his teacher) about his behaviour....he seems to love her and be terrified by her in equal measure!
    #kcacols

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  61. hehe that food list made me chuckle because we have done similar before. I threaten b with telling busy bees that he's been naughty - he doesn't like that ;)#KCACOLS

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  62. It's fine when they are two, wait till they are five and can sniff it out *boo* X #KCACOLS

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  63. We definitely never have any new batteries for the irritating toy! Love the idea of egg cakes, going to have to try that one. #KCACOLS

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  64. I love this! Especially how everything is wait til Daddy is with you, I pull that all the time! #kcacols

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  65. Ha Ha! We used to call Parsnips Autumn Potatoes. There is always room for a little yarn isn't there! #KCACOLS

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  66. I use the battery diedied or its sleeping a lot when asked about using the iPad or phone. #KCACAOLS

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  67. I use the battery diedied or its sleeping a lot when asked about using the iPad or phone. #KCACAOLS

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  68. Oh I am so with you in regards to my limitations on cooking. I've yet to reach this stage. #KCACAOLS

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  69. Love this - so funny. Have used most of these but am making a list of those I haven't as we speak ;) #KCACOLS

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  70. Haha I've heard my sisters use many variations on these regularly! #kcacols

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  71. Some useful tips in there - thanks Fran ���� #KCACOLS

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  72. This is brilliant!! I think I have used every single one of these and more!! I am always telling my boys that certain toys are broken or we've run out of batteries!! #KCACOLS

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  73. I've written a similar post about the lies we tell kids and yep I've used most of yours! My most common lie is when out shopping for clothes I always say that the horrific brightly coloured / TV character garments aren't available in their size. This won't work for much longer with the eldest who can now read the labels!! #KCACOLS

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  74. I love how Sausages and Mash is just Sausages but Jacket Potato with Bolognese is Spag Bol & Mash ha! They really don't make any sense these little toddler brains. Thanks for the laugh #KCACOLS

    Nadia - ScandiMummy x

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  75. Haha! So true! I do the food one, and there's none left, & I do the batteries all the time! #KCACOLS

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