New parents have a lot to contend with, even when it’s not 2020 and the world is turning to shit around them.
For the majority of people, becoming a mum (or a dad) for the first time, no matter what anyone tells you, is really hard; most likely the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life. Probably harder than running a marathon. I’m not going to try that out though.
I’ve likened having your first child to landing on a new, strange planet.
You don’t know the language, you haven’t been furnished with a guidebook, and you have been told you’re there to stay; you must suck it up and get on with it.
This is despite being completely hormonal and entirely bewildered, not to mention not having slept for more than an hour at a time since the baby’s birth.
Yes, there will undoubtedly be moments of pure unadulterated joy.
Many hours can go by while you stare at your new baby in awe. You made that absolutely perfect little creature! How is that possible?!
But there will probably be many, many moments spent silently (or not so silently) weeping into your pillow wondering why it’s not anything like you thought it was going to be like. Why the hell can’t you figure out what your baby wants? You’ve fed them and burped them and changed their nappy so WHY DO THEY KEEP ON CRYING?
The TV and antenatal classes… Well, they didn’t mention that bit.
Parents with friends who are about to embark on their parenting journey are stuck between a rock and a hard place.
You absolutely cannot say ‘it’s awful, run away!‘, even in jest, because that’s not really very supportive and no one wants to hear it. They are probably more excited than they’ve ever been, and all they want is for you to be excited for them too. If you’re too honest about the challenges it poses, you are seen to be unhelpful, rude, jealous even. There are some things we just do not say.
It’s best just to nod, smile a hearty congratulatory smile and if anyone asks you directly… Well, just tell them a little white lie.
Here are some of the little white lies that we tell to new parents.
1. Giving birth is fine!
It might be a breeze, it might not be. It’s impossible to tell before the event. Still, it can be a scary prospect to a mum-to-be and somewhat unproductive to – er – labour the point.
2. Your life doesn’t have to change
As long as you have a night nanny, a day nanny, a source of independent wealth and a way to turn your new-parent hormones, which make you cry at adverts for God’s sake, off.
3. You’ll soon have your evenings back!
You might. They might start going to bed at 7. But then they might start teething, or getting growing pains, or using any other number of delaying tactics and then, annoyingly, they get older and go to bed later which is really inconvenient, especially if you have one child who is still up and humming to themselves at 10.30pm and the other who enjoys giving you a cheery morning wake up by screaming in your face at 5.30am.
4. They sleep through eventually
Just don’t mention that they may well start school first, and even if they are generally good, the number of regressions, illnesses and changes (nightmares anyone??) certainly keeps you on your toes.
5. It’s just a phase
Technically this one is true, because a lot of baby and child-related stresses do disappear almost as quickly as they occur, but it neglects to mention that for every phase there will be a dozen other, and no less stressful, phases which follow it.
6. It gets easier
It does and it doesn’t, but more accurately it gets different.
Ask anyone whose kids are grown what the hardest part is, and they’ll usually disagree, but there does seem to be a lot of scoffing and ‘just you wait until they’re threenagers/at school/teenagers!’ if you imply that the baby stage is difficult.
Fortunately there are no prizes. Remember that no one else has your lived experience and if you’re finding it tough, then you are allowed to find it tough and anyone that scoffs, tuts or patronises is 100% a bellend.
7. It goes so quickly
Except when they’re ill and you’ve spend two weeks indoors without speaking to another adult human, or in the middle of the night when they just Will. Not. Go. To. Sleep. Or, when they’re at home all day every day because of a global pandemic. Then each day lasts for hundreds and hundreds of years.
8. Having a second baby will be easy
In comparison to being a first time mum, maybe it is. You’ve lived on this strange planet for a while and you might understand snapshots of the language. Except that of course you now have no option to ‘sleep when the baby sleeps’, lie in if you’ve had a rough night, or stay in the house in your PJs watching Netflix and eating Nutella with a spoon, because you have another child to feed, bathe, dress and entertain, school runs to do, and often less people rallying round with offers of help.
9. The weight will fall off if you breastfeed
Some people definitely find this to be true; I definitely did not. I found that I was so ravenously hungry when breastfeeding that the 500 calories a day breastfeeding uses up were no match for the 1000 calories of biscuits I was shoving in my gob to keep me going throughout the sleep deprived haze which is the six week sleep regression.
10. Peppa Pig isn’t that bad
They just want you to share their pain, don’t fall for it…
11. You got this!
The truth is, no one really has a clue what they’re doing. We are all winging it. So at least you’re in good company.