After January was a total arse and lasted about a year, conversely, February just shot past without even settling in. Didn’t even take its coat off. Rude.
The weather has started to mellow a little bit, and it’s still light past 5pm which is bloody marvellous. Nothing quite lifts the spirits like the promise of spring , and I’m very much looking forward to not spending THREE HUNDRED POUNDS PER CALENDAR MONTH on heating this fucking house, in which I’m always bloody cold anyway.
But what else happened in this very much shorter-than-average month?
(If you want to read the other monthly updates because you’re bored or just a nosey bastard, you can find them all here. Quality may vary).
I STILL have not moved house
I don’t have anything to say about this really. It’s sub-optimal at best. I hate everybody involved.
And yes, I copied the above word for word from last month. I may have used the words ‘absolute bullshit’ and ‘fed up to my fucking tits’ in emails this week. I know nobody becomes an estate agent because their life is going like, super well, but come the fuck on, it can’t be that bloody hard.
I went to see Bridget Jones and told off some teenagers
I haven’t been to see a film at the cinema in ages (who has the time?!) but I was quite looking forward to this one, and did you know that these days you can drink wine in the cinema? Brilliant.
As much as I cringed a little witnessing my very own midlife crisis played back to me in glorious technicolour, I did enjoy it. One of my least favourite parts was having to shout at some teenagers who were running about being dickheads. I don’t know for sure, but I suspect they hadn’t actually paid to see the film. I told them to pack it in, and rather than stab me to death they actually did Pack It In. So that was nice.
Anyway if you haven’t seen it yet and you want to, then you should. It’s heartwarming and funny and apparently not in fact based on my life.
Wine wine wine #ad
Before I was ill, I worked with Naked Wines who sent me a lovely case of wine. I’ve actually not even made it through the whole case, such is the nature of this stupid bloody illness (see below). It’s like an enforced wine detox. Unfair.
Anyway, if you want £75 off a case of wine from Naked Wines (so over half off a case worth £134.99) use this affiliate link to do so.
I had a very surreal experience with a French man
I’ve been stealing all my pictures from a French lady, according to an obsessed lunatic from the internet. If you haven’t read this one yet, I suggest you grab a cup of tea and strap in.
I – we all -continued to watch the world burn
He’s still there, and still not dead. Ho hum. Fingers crossed for March.
Even my mum messaged me yesterday after the Trump/Vance/Zelenskyy showdown to tell me how angry she was. When you’re upsetting the mums, you’re going to regret it, fuckface. I don’t think anyone (other than Putin) is supporting this clown show now. If you are, you’re incredibly stupid, and pretty much everyone thinks so.
I met someone
Oooh, some real gossip for once! I decided that it was time to stop fucking about and try and meet someone nice, age appropriate, local and relatively normal for like, a real relationship. And I did! I don’t know what you’re all moaning about, online dating is really easy. Just join the app of your choice for a day, pick the best one, done. You’re clearly just Doing It Wrong.
Anyway I’m going to set up a Take That Splitting Up style phone number for all of you affected. I’m sorry I had to break it to you like this.
And yes, that’s all the information you’re getting, you nosey bastards.
I got flu
When you get flu, people are either a. Really sympathetic (those are the people that have had it before and take you on your word) b. Don’t appreciate how shit it is (ie offer sympathy but then still email you asking you to do this or that, or check in to make sure you’re definitely not coming to the pub) or C. Tell you ‘it’s probably not flu because you’d be feeling worse if it was’.
It was fucking flu, and it was awful. It’s ten days or so on and I’m only just starting to feel better, although I tried to take the dog for a walk and was coughing so hard I was sick in a bush, which was nice.
After a week of being more or less bed-bound, I noticed that my chest was rattling and I had crackling on my lungs. Having had chest infections before and being left feeling like absolute dogshit I thought it was best to head it off quickly, so I rang the doctors and waited on hold for almost 40 minutes to be told there were no appointments and I’d have to ring 111, which I did (a further 20 minute hold experience). They then referred me back to the doctors who called me a few hours later to prescribe me the very antibiotics I’d requested from them earlier that morning. It’s quite the system we have here now.
At the risk of sounding like one of those Boomer nostalgia Facebook pages run by Russian bots, do you remember when you were sick and could call a doctor and get an appointment? Mad.
I’ve still no idea where I got it from, no one else has it, I guess I’m just lucky.
I got addicted to pig stacking
I squarely blame Jamie Smart (off of BlueSky) for this one. Both of my children are currently screaming at their phones shouting things like ‘IT’S A SCAM!’ and ‘YOU STUPID PIGS’ which is truly heartwarming.
Anyway, give it a go. Give it a go now, here.
And that’s a wrap
Hopefully I’ll actually move house in March. Won’t get too excited though.
Bluesky tweets of the month
What do you expect from a country that can't use kettles and don't butter their sandwiches I guess
— Fran (@whingewhingewine.co.uk) February 26, 2025 at 10:03 AM
What do you call a magician who has lost his magic? Ian.
— Fran (@whingewhingewine.co.uk) February 23, 2025 at 10:48 AM
My 11 year old just made me a cocktail. My almost 10 year old son got trapped in a bean bag. They are not the same.
— Fran (@whingewhingewine.co.uk) February 18, 2025 at 8:58 PM
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Is it getting hammered in the Purple Turtle?
— Fran (@whingewhingewine.co.uk) February 15, 2025 at 2:42 PM
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The random crap that my kids leave on the table is like one of those memory games where you have ten seconds to study it and then have to remember what's on it
— Fran (@whingewhingewine.co.uk) February 15, 2025 at 9:58 AM
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My 11 year old wants to go on Dragons Den with the revolutionary idea of replacing the crackers in Lunchables with Mini Cheddars. She is after £1,000,000 for 30%
— Fran (@whingewhingewine.co.uk) February 14, 2025 at 8:35 PM
And they say money can't buy taste www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/1…
— Fran (@whingewhingewine.co.uk) February 14, 2025 at 6:43 PM
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I try hard not to wish harm on people but the Telegraph makes it really fucking difficult sometimes.
— Fran (@whingewhingewine.co.uk) February 13, 2025 at 6:52 PM
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I am watching that Filthy Rich program with Olivia Atwood about women who offer the "girlfriend experience" but so far no one has mentioned crying down the phone because their kids have been dicks or they're on their period and there's no chocolate so I don't think it's like, mega authentic.
— Fran (@whingewhingewine.co.uk) February 8, 2025 at 6:34 PM
I just watched a video on Facebook about a vegan making "bacon" from rice paper and soy sauce and I shall be informing the police.
— Fran (@whingewhingewine.co.uk) February 3, 2025 at 5:20 PM
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