Can you believe that a whole year has passed since I started writing monthly life updates? I did say that when the year was over I’d give up, but I had a bit of a change of heart. Writing is therapeutic, even if what I write is largely nonsense, and I can’t just write posts about people with shit grammar all the time.
So here I am, back again, like a spurned lover who just can’t quite let it go.
(If you want to read the other monthly updates because you’re bored or just a nosy bastard, you can find them all here. Quality may vary).
I did not do dry January
To the surprise of absolutely no one, I did not partake in dry January. I’m morally opposed to it on a base level. If you’re going to make a month shitter than it already is, why would you choose THE WORST ONE? The post-Christmas low is crappy – suddenly all the sparkly fun is gone and it’s just bloody cold and miserable; despite costing A Bloody Fortune, my house hasn’t got above 16 degrees since December.
Each of the 31 cold, long, dull days of January have about 3 hours of daylight and a nice glass of red wine on a Friday evening is a lovely treat.
And by glass of red wine on a Friday evening I mean cider at Wednesday evening Karaoke, cocktails in the Purple Turtle at 2am on a Monday, or whatever drink you bloody well fancy, whenever you fancy it (within reason). You’re a bloody adult.
Someone has to keep the industry afloat, after all. Really, I’m a hero of the people.
I did not go on a diet
The traditional alternative to giving up alcohol in January is to go on a diet, and I thought I should state for the record that I didn’t do this either.
Absolute pack of dicks.
I got pissed on by a dog
In fun dog news, I was out walking Izzy in the park next to my house, and a man with a lovely red fox lab who I’d never met before (I remember dogs. People, less so, but always dogs) was walking in the opposite direction. Obviously we stopped to let the dogs have a good old sniff while we exchanged Labrador-related pleasantries. I believe that’s the law.
Izzy – pretty over excited at the thought of making a new friend – then decided to disgrace herself by jumping up on the man’s leg. Bad dog.
While I was busy apologising profusely for her awful manners, I failed to notice his dog cocking its leg, and aiming fire at the back of my leg, until there was a sudden, very noticeable warmth.
Yes. His dog had COVERED ME WITH PISS.
I have NEVER seen anyone as mortified as that man. I’d never seen him at the park before, and I imagine it’s off his list now for the foreseeable, which is a shame because that’s the start to a great love story right there isn’t it.
(Did I mention that I was on my way to meet someone? With dog piss all over my jeans? Brilliant).
I STILL have not moved house
I don’t have anything to say about this really. It’s sub-optimal at best. I hate everybody involved.
I watched the world start to burn
As one of the 96% of people in the world that doesn’t live in America, I have been watching through my fingers with a combination of fascination and horror as Fuhrer Trump and That Absolute Wanker Musk appear to be entirely dismantling democracy.
Honestly, I’ve had to stop reading the news; it’s an absolute shit show, made even worse by loads of people who voted in this dangerous lunatic are now saying “Oh, but I didn’t realise I would be affected…” as their wives are packed off back to Mexico. Mad.
If you are braver than I, then Heather Cox, a political historian on Facebook, seems to be good at teasing out and summarising the salient points. Just make sure you have a pillow handy to scream into.
Oh well, one day he’ll do the decent thing and die. Fingers crossed it won’t be too long.
We got sucked in to rubbish telly
This year I introduced the kids to The Traitors and they really got into it. Apparently it is like a live action Among Us, although I couldn’t confirm or deny because I don’t have a clue what that is. I’ve decided that I’d be good at it though. In fact I am going to apply for the next series of The Traitors and my USP will be that I will use percentages other than 100.
We were very sad about Alexander being kicked out; the kids were quite keen on him and has suggested he’d make a good step dad. If you’re reading this, Alexander, hit me up. I do quite like a posh man.
We’ve also been watching the Masked Singer. So far I have an impressive 0% success rate.
Anyway, that’s about it
Bluesky tweets of the month
Here, to pad out what is a very short post, is a selection of my tweets (or whatever they’re called) from January. I admit that not everything I ‘tweet’ is a winner, but if you like nonsense stream-of consciousness stuff and oversharing then do come and follow me on Bluesky here.
If you enjoyed this and you’re feeling generous, you can buy me a cup of tea or a glass of wine – or donate to my houseplant addiction fund – here.
You can also see my Amazon wish list here.
Best blog post I’ve seen in ages 🙂 (looking for some sort of email subscribe button somewhere)
I don’t have one, ha! One day I’ll move into the 21st century. Maybe.