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Ho ho ho, hos.
It’s CHRISTMAS.
The most wonderful – and expensive – time of the year. A time to eat, drink and be merry. A time to knock back Bucks Fizz for breakfast. A time to watch our over-sugared children bouncing off the walls with excitement, while throwing out half hearted and unconvincing threats about Father Christmas only visiting GOOD children.
Christmas is a time for family, and a time for giving, and this is why I’ve dedicated a whole Aunty Fran to solving your festive conundrums.
In fairness I’ve had enough drama this week to fill the next ten episodes myself.
Over the last seven days I have:
- Written off my car 2 minutes from home after a 2 hour journey by crashing into a parked car (I know, I know. I genuinely blame stress)
- Moved house to Reading, 70 miles away
- Built TWO Ikea Småstad cabin beds (with a lot of help, admittedly. And by help I mean I barely got involved) and a shitload of other furniture after having the original order cancelled, and having to march down to Ikea in a rage to sort it out
- Spent a bloody fortune in B&M and Ikea buying everything I completely forgot I needed
- Single parented my kids for a week in the new house, while simultaneously trying to prepare for Christmas, get presents bought and wrapped, sort out the unpacking, buy a new car so we won’t be stuck at home over Christmas and try to keep on top of work despite not having the internet for days
- Taken the kids to to Peppa Pig World (and managed not to catch COVID while I was there, fingers crossed)
- Had my COVID booster and felt a bit shit.
…So yes, you could say it’s been a busy week. I wouldn’t recommend it, but we are in the house, we have a Christmas tree now, we’ve got internet, we’ve got presents wrapped, and, dependent on another negative LFT, tomorrow we’ll be heading to my sisters in my shitty, tiny Mitsubishi Colt emergency vehicle, if it makes it alive…
Anyway, enough about me. Aunty Fran is about YOU, dear reader.
Don’t forget to submit your own problems in the event that I get around to another episode in 2022!
First up, the classic Christmas dilemma: Hosting the right-wing in laws
Say what you like about 2020 being a shitter, Christmas being cancelled solved a lot of these kinds of problems.
Dear Aunty Fran,
This year we are hosting Christmas for my husband’s family which means his two sisters (nice enough), their (mainly dull) husbands and kids, and of course my Tory-voting, Farage-and-Brexit-loving in laws.
My MIL is quite sweet really, and doesn’t really get involved, but my FIL is a grade-A gammon dickhead who thinks that he knows everything and that as the oldest, he is right. I can almost guarantee that after two glasses of merlot he’ll start banging on about immigrants coming over here for benefits, children identifying as magical unicorns because parents are too soft these days, and parroting bullshit he read in the Daily Mail.
My husband and sisters-in-law won’t challenge him because although they don’t agree, he’s their dad. However, if he brings up how Boris is doing his best this year I might just swing for him.
What should I do? My kids love their funny (albeit racist) grandpa and I don’t want them to see me argue with him, but if he brings it up, I’m not sure I’ll be able to control myself.
Kristina Kringle
Dear Kristina,
This sounds like a bloody nightmare. I’m guessing that it’s too late to call and claim the ‘Rona has got you? Those lateral flow tests are a bugger for showing up last minute.
If you aren’t willing to lie to save yourself, can you hide in the kitchen with a bottle of wine for most of the day?
Alternatively, face it head on, whack this song on Spotify and serve his tea in this mug:
Love, Aunty Fran.
Next, Noel is about to learn some harsh lessons
OK, this is a little late but it’s solid advice to bear in mind for the future.
Dear Aunty Fran,
My girlfriend told me not to get her a Christmas gift, so I didn’t get her a Christmas gift. I told my friend this in the pub last night and he laughed at me and said I was a moron, and she didn’t mean it.
I maintain that if she said she didn’t want anything, she doesn’t want anything.
Who’s right?
Noel
Dear Noel,
You should have listened to your friend, Noel. Your friend is smart.
It was a trap, and you fell in it, face first.
Given it’s too late to even Prime something now, pop in to whatever shop you can find open, grab something (but NOT a household cleaning appliance FGS) and then pray for your soul.
Aunty Fran x
AD: If you’re still looking for the perfect Christmas present, then firstly shame on you, and secondly take a look at my Buy A Gift post where you can get some great experience vouchers 20% off – you can download an e-voucher instantly. Boom.
This one made me so sad I nearly set up a GoFundMe.
Dear Aunty Fran,
Asda delivered my Christmas shop without the cheese board, and didn’t make any substitutions.
Christmas is OK without cheese, right?
I think hitting the shops on Christmas Eve with three children in tow might just be the end of me.
Regards,
Sad and Cheeseless
Dear Sad and Cheeseless,
I’m genuinely so sorry that happened to you, that is inhumane and Asda have seriously gone down in my estimation.
Christmas without cheese is like… Well I don’t know but it’s wrong, and it’s sad, and you can’t let it happen. Can you leave you kids in the car or something, or perhaps ask a festively generous, non-serial-killery neighbour to watch them while you complete this vital Christmas mission?
Also, make sure you picture yourself pointing at an empty cheese board with a sad look on your face for the local paper. Asda should not get away with this.
Love, Aunty Fran
Meanwhile, Holly appears to have mistaken me for sodding Mary Berry
Dear Aunty Fran,
I’m so stressed about Christmas day. I have 14 people (8 adults and 6 kids) to cook for, and quite a small kitchen with a single oven.
I know some things I can do before the day and re-heat in the microwave, but how the hell do I get the turkey and the roasties and the Yorkshires and the pigs in blankets and everything else all done at the same time?
Yours, a very flustered Holly
Dearest Holly,
What on earth possessed you to make that offer? Were you drunk at the time?
I’ve got to say, I have no idea and I can’t find it in myself to care too deeply.
Maybe just bin the turkey – it’s shit anyway – and just have dozens of pigs in blankets, lots of Yorkshires, sixteen different varieties of cheese and lots of wine.
That is basically the ideal Christmas right there.
Love, Aunty Fran x
Eve asks one of Life’s Big Questions
I actually don’t understand the controversy of this one. I mean, does it MATTER?
Dear Aunty Fran,
I’m trying to figure out once and for all…
Is Die Hard a Christmas film?
It’s set at Christmas, it has a heartwarming story (John McClane trying to get home to wife and kids for Xmas) what more do you want? Ok, it might be more of a Christmas Action Movie, but still!
Confused, Eve
Dear Eve,
Sure, if you like.
Love, Aunty Fran x
And now for the parenting bit!
This is, or was, a parenting blog so I feel like it should at least feature something vaguely parenty… So here we go.
Dear Aunty Fran,
My kids are 3 and 1 so just getting into the magical side of Christmas, but my husband and I can’t agree on who brings the presents.
He reckons Father Christmas buys everything. I think that’s unfair and it risks children being ungrateful and not appreciating what their parents contribute to make their Christmas special ie we have to bloody pay for them!!
Whose side are you on?
Merry Kerry
Dear Kerry,
You’re right, he’s wrong. Father Christmas is a glory-stealing bellend.
Personally I believe only stockings and a few joint presents should be from the big man.
If you split up from your husband and find yourself a new partner, I suggest you first assess your Christmas compatibility with this list.
Love, Aunty Fran x
Sandy is suffering classic last minute Christmas list stress…
Dear Aunty Fran,
I just walked in on my seven year old daughter making a Christmas list. It’s 23rd of f*cking December and I had no idea she wanted a Magic Mixie, I don’t even know what it is.
Am I going to ruin her Christmas and scar her for life if I don’t rush out to the shops?
Sandy Claus
Dear Sandy,
It’s a well known fact that Father Christmas is too busy to make adjustments after the first week of December. He’s magic, sure, but give him a break. Your child should be well aware of this; that’s just the rules.
Plus, I’ve just looked up whatever the hell a Magic Mixie is and they’re over sixty bloody quid! And frankly they look shit too.
You’ll be saving her a lot of disappointment by not caving, and teaching her a valuable lesson about deadlines into the bargain.
Love, Aunty Fran x
And lastly, if you haven’t done this are you even a parent?
Dear Aunty Fran,
Where the f*ck did I put my son’s Christmas present? I’ve searched all over the sodding place and it’s disappeared into thin f*cking air.
Any ideas?
Mary
Dear Mary,
It’s gone. Forget it. You’ll probably find it at Easter.
Love, Aunty Fran
Top tip for those of you with more than one child: If you’ve realised they don’t have the same number of presents, it’s easier to save one for a birthday than buy another piece of tat to make things equal. It’s quite possible they don’t deserve them anyway…
And that’s a Christmas wrap!
Have a wonderful and very merry Christmas, whatever you’re doing and whoever you’re spending it with.
Brilliant, loved reading this as well head into xmas day thanks for making me smile. Excellent tip on the possible excess of one gift..one of my biggest fears no longer!