Translations from the Official Estate Agent Phrase Book

After what amounts to one of the most stressful and frustrating experiences of my life – and I’ve tried to make a dentist appointment recently – my house sale finally completed.

I’ve now been in my little rented house for almost a full year, and finally it’s time for me to start looking for a place of my own to buy. Exciting stuff! Except this of course coincided marvellously with the intellectually-challenged Liz Truss and her idiotic sidekick Kwasi Kwarteng releasing their daft-as-shit mini budget which, as we all know, pushed the pound into freefall, interest rates and mortgages sky high and the housing market to screech to a sudden stop.

Thanks for that, you useless Tory twats.

Still! I’m remaining positive and still looking (for 13 hours a day on Rightmove), rather than giving up altogether for a year or so which is what those in the know are currently suggesting. I really, really want a house where my ‘office’ isn’t actually a desk next to the TV and I can type swear words without having them read back to me by my seven year old.

At this stage I’ve seen around ten houses of varying degrees of not-quite-right, several which were just absolutely fucking awful, and two which I’ve fallen in love with, but ultimately been unsuccessful in buying.

Obviously this hunt for the perfect abode has involved spending more time than I would like to dealing with Estate Agents (or, ‘second hand house salesmen’) and while I appreciate they can’t possibly all be absolutely terrible (right?), wading through the shite on listings is something of an art form.

For example, here is a description of a house which came up on a recent search.

Before scrolling down, imagine in your mind’s eye what a house with such a write up may look like.

Was it this?

“Light”

“Spacious”

I have nothing against a fixer-upper, and if this one wasn’t a. covered in black mould, b. positioned right on a busy main road and c. listed at FOUR HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND POUNDS then I might be mildly tempted to take a look. However you can’t deny that if you purchased this property, you’d probably be woken up in the night by a small ghost child crying in the corner. Or at least squatters.

A little mention of that in the blurb may not go amiss I reckon?

Here are some more of the worst Billy-bullshit sayings from the Estate Agent Phrase Book:

I’ve also helpfully translated these for you. You’re welcome.

‘Highly sought after area’

Translation: It’s in a place. Literally any place whatsoever.

I mean technically if it’s true, then fine, but I don’t know if a lowly or mediumly sought-after area even exists around here; if the listings are to be believed people are fighting tooth and nail over every house on the market.

Some friends locally have been trying to sell their house and the listing says “Set in a hugely sought-after location”. Between you and me, they’ve had had no viewings in weeks, so it isn’t that sought after clearly.

‘Viewing recommended’

Translation: Agent could not fill the word count.

(Oh, really? I was considering spunking what will, ultimately, amount to over a million quid once the mortgage is paid off, on something I’ve only ever seen through your ridiculous fish eye lens and weird filter).

‘No onward chain complications’

Translation: You can feel the presence of the recently deceased previous inhabitant in the corner of every room.

‘Lovingly owned and maintained by the same family for several decades’

Translation: The plaster on the walls is likely made of mud and horse hair, the wiring in the walls will keep you warm at night (if you don’t mind the constant hum), and it comes with the homely and comforting smell of asbestos in every room.

‘In need of modernisation’

Translation: Bad murders were done here.

‘4 double bedrooms’

Translation: Four rooms that you could technically squeeze a double bed into although one is off the kitchen downstairs.

‘Full of character’

Translation: Wonky. You cannot stand up in the main bedroom if you’re over 5ft 9.

‘Offers huge potential’

Translation: Is currently a scabies-ridden hell hole.

‘Ideal for first time buyers’

Translation: If you are very lucky, you will be able to fit a small sofa, a single bed, and a camping stove into this cramped, damp infested, shoebox of a house. But beggars can’t be choosers.

‘A unique opportunity to own’

Translation: Although it is true to say that this is your only chance to own this specific house right now, it’s been for sale before, it will be again, and there are about 30 others like it on this road alone.

‘Close to local amenities’

Translation: Noisy, garden will often be full of discarded chip wrappers.

‘Smart order throughout’

Translation: No doors hanging off. They will probably whack a hoover round before you visit.

‘Presented to market in fantastic condition’

Translation: Most of the rooms in this house have been painted in the last decade, and some of the windows and doors actually open and close reasonably well.

‘A space that you can really make your own’

Translation: No-one in their right mind would choose to live in this house in its current bat-shit crazy condition.

‘Offers over £X’

Translation: Seller’s clearly in cloud cuckoo land, and this will never sell.

I’ve noticed that these ones have always been on the market for ages; maybe you should just see what people want to offer?!

‘Stunning riverside location’

Translation: Situated on a flood plain. This house will be under 2 foot of water between January and March. You will not ever get insurance.

‘Built in dishwasher’

Translation: We’re REALLY clutching at straws for nice things to say about this one.

A dishwasher is what, £200? Do not buy a house because you get a free dishwasher for god’s sake.

And don’t forget you need them to sell your house too!

‘If you elect to appoint us to represent you, we’ll develop a multi-layered strategy to promote your house. We’ll reach out to our existing database of motivated buyers, target key demographics and ensure excellent visibility in the local market and wider region’.

Translation: We’ll whack it on Rightmove and see what happens.

I hope you’ve found this guide helpful. Let me know if I’ve missed any!