It seems that bloggers who show you how to clean and present your house are startlingly popular at the moment; I’m talking ‘15,000 likes on a picture of a grey sofa on Instagram’ popular.
I admit, obsessive cleanliness isn’t really my thing.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like living in a complete hole, but there are a lot of things I’d rather be doing than cleaning my home and even more things I’d rather do than watch someone else clean theirs.
However, I’m nothing if not adaptable.
So, in order to ride this trend-wave I wanted to share with you my top ten tips for keeping a sparkling tidy house that is totally hashtaggable.
1) Never be in.
Spend as little time at home as possible. Invite yourself to other people’s houses as much as you can and make mess there instead.
2) Ban pets and children
Pets shed hair, scratch the furniture and let’s face it, they are mainly idiots anyway.
Children are bad news so don’t let them through the door. Especially your own. They are sticky, messy and just treat it like a damn hotel.
3) In fact ban everyone.
If you can, buy a second home or caravan to actually live in.
Perhaps if times are a little too tough to stretch to that, book a family room at a Travelodge to stay in until the crazy urge to have a sterile home dissipates, so you can keep your first house as an instagrammable #dreamhome.
4) Detract attention from any flaws.
Cover everything in glitter and/or fablon and then no one will be able to see whether it is scuffed or covered in dirt.
If the idea of a glitter wall fills you with dread, as well it should, then how about a random frogtape design that will definitely not go hideously wrong, will never ever go out of style and certainly won’t be impossible to paint over properly.
5) A word is worth 1/1000th of a picture.
I’m sure that is how the saying goes. Anyway, rather than family snaps, you can be an inspiration to everyone who visits and simultaneously cover up dents in the walls or chipped paint with ‘Live Laugh Love’ stickers.
6) Have a colour scheme and stick to it
Furnish your home entirely in one colour; recent Insta-trends suggest grey. You need to take this very seriously; if a friend turns up and they don’t fit in with your colour scheme you need to let them know.
‘It’s not that I’m not grateful for the Oyster Bay and biscuits you bought over, but they aren’t grey, are they Barbara? ARE THEY? GET OUT’.
7) Zoflora. Loads and loads of Zoflora.
Stockpile it. I’m not sure what it’s for or why you’d use it on your radiators, and all the stuff I’ve tried smells a bit like an old lady’s toilet, but do it. And don’t forget a tub of ‘pink stuff’ for good measure.
8) Use a few tricks of the trade.
If you’re not actually bothered about your house being clean, but merely looking clean for Instagram photos, push all the toys and general detritus to one side and then filter the hell out of it.
You know that’s what they’re all doing, right? It’s definitely cheaper than the second home option.
9) Find a job you’re good at or enjoy.
One out of two isn’t bad. Or if that’s not possible, just one that is better than cleaning your house (so basically anything!).
Use the money from this job to pay someone else to do it so you don’t have to. It’s fine; they probably hate cleaning their own house too.
10) Realise it doesn’t matter
FUN FACT: millilitre for millilitre Zoflora costs about the same as a nice bottle of Sauvignon Blanc which is an excellent and much more tasty alternative. Buy some, drink it (WINE NOT ZOFLORA, I repeat DO NOT DRINK ZOFLORA) and you will soon realise that you don’t actually care how white and fresh-smelling your skirting boards are, or how many people liked that Instagram photo of your grey sofa.
I hope this has helped you.
Do pop in again for some more fabulous cleaning tips.
This is a collaborative post.