Bored to tears of formulaic, beige Straight-to-Netflix Christmas romcoms, I thought I’d see what else there was on offer for my Christmas film review marathon. One film that was repeatedly recommended was action movie ‘Red One‘, staring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Let’s be clear up front: We cannot compare Red One to a Hallmark Christmas movie.
Such films operate on women in festive coats clutching cups of cocoa. Their budgets are usually around the $2million mark. Meanwhile, Red One cost roughly a quarter of a billion dollars to make.
However, interestingly (or not) it did not break even at the box office, which immediately raises the question of who exactly this film was made for. I would have assumed families, but with a 12 certificate there’s a lot of families it isn’t suitable for. Anyway, I get ahead of myself.
Red One begins with a party, a gaggle of children, and a cupboard full of badly hidden Christmas presents. This is where we meet Jack, a kid who ruins Christmas for his cousins with the ease of someone who will absolutely grow up to be unbearable.
Thirty years later, Jack is now played by Chris Evans (not the ginger one off TFI Friday, obviously). He steals people’s coffee. He pervs on an outdoor fitness class. He sets fire to electrics, does something hacker-ish in an office, steals a baby’s lollipop, and strolls away. What a bad, but probably sexy, guy!
Meanwhile, in the North Pole…
Santa is played by J.K. Simmons. He is not round and jolly, he is a Crossfit Santa who could bench a sleigh. He arrives in a high-security hangar with a military escort, and he’s codenamed Red One. NB I have no idea who is funding this operation.
The Rock plays Cal, Santa’s head of security. Cal is tired. The naughty list is longer than the nice list; adults have ruined everything. He announces he’ll do one last Christmas and then quit. This means something bad is definitley about to go down.
And would you look at that… Santa’s been kidnapped!
Jack, it turns out, leaked Santa’s coordinates for money. He didn’t realise what he was doing, confirming Jack is bad at both morality and admin. No wonder he is a Level Four on the naughty list.
He is forced to team up with Cal to get Santa back.
From this point, Red One becomes a blur of big budget visuals which are entirely wasted on me; I find it so hard to take all that stuff in. We have sky car chases, portals, CGI characters, secret agencies, and Lucy Liu arriving to explain what’s going on. She works for MORA, which stands for something mythological and official sounding. Everyone works for an acronym. Cal works for the E.L.F, as does a massive talking polar bear called Garcia.
So, who stole Santa?
Jack and Cal find the man who bought Santa’s location. He is very reluctant to tell them who he’s working for, does, and regrets it instantly.
The kidnapper was Gryla, the Christmas witch, initially shape shifting as a blonde woman before later revealing herself as a massive, ugly, ancient force of punishment. Small disclaimer here; if you are an expert in Norse mythology, this film may cause you physical pain. I am not, so this passed me by entirely, but you have been warned.
There are evil snowmen who arrive in an ice cream van and can only be killed by removing their carrot noses. I enjoyed this bit.
Meanwhile Santa is imprisoned in a magical snow globe jail.
Gryla’s plan is to punish everyone on the naughty list by trapping them in enchanted snow globes forever.
Jack and Cal go to see Krampus, Santa’s brother. He is surrounded by weird CGI creatures playing a game where they slap each other. OK. He and Gryla have history, but he doesn’t know where his brother is. I could happily have missed this whole bit and it wouldn’t have changed anything.
Around the ninety-minute mark, I realised this film was over two hours long and felt genuine betrayal.
I felt like my dog does when dinner time rolls around and nothing happens.
Christmas films should be ninety minutes. 100 at a push. Anything longer is hubris.
But OK – at this point there is only half an hour left to wrap this up.
Let’s go:
- Snow globes start being delivered to naughty-listers, including a man called Aaron who parks his sports car in a disabled space. He absolutely deserves it.
- Globes turn up for Jack and his son Dylan, to whom Jack has been a totally absent, objectively shit dad. They are trapped on Gryla’s shelf like festive ornaments.
- Cal phones Mrs Claus to check how she is holding up. She says she is baking macaroons. Santa hates macaroons! They’re obviously are shape shifters and the North Pole has fallen. Christmas is fucked.
- Jack and Dylan have a heart-to-heart through the glass. Emotional growth occurs and the globes break. Have they been redeemed? Have they somehow left the naughty list? I don’t know, sorry.
- Gryla wants to deliver a snow globe to every single naughty-lister, but first she needs Santa to get the sleigh moving. He’s unconscious, so she takes him with her.
- Our heroes follow. Santa wakes up, shouts a command and the reindeer are freed.
- Krampus shows up to help. Bros before hoes and all that. Gryla – in her original form now – tosses him about (not a euphemism).
- The reindeer come back at speed taking Gryla out – she falls, and look! She is trapped in one of her own snow globes. Neat.
- Santa and Krampus have a brief brotherly reunion.
Santa gets back on the sleigh and delivers presents like a motherfuckin action hero.
This is genuinely the best bit of the film.
On the sleigh, Jack bonds with his son. Cal decides not to quit, presumably because after 542 years with the E.L.F. his CV is extremely niche and LinkedIn is not going to help him now.
And then it ends!
Verdict: Red One is alright.
Action is probably my least favourite film genre so I was never going to love Red One. It is slick, reminiscent of a Marvel movie, but felt too long. My ten year old thought it was fun, although he’s technically two years too young to watch it based on the certification. If they cut out the mild swearing then they could have made it a family film for 6 year old Marvel fans, and maybe they’d have broken even. Personally, I expected more from Dwayne Johnson and J.K. Simmons.
But I am not you; you might enjoy it, especially if the alternative is women in scarves falling in love.
Rating: 6.5/10. Festive action with too much money, and not enough restraint.
If you enjoyed this and you’re feeling generous, you can buy me a cup of tea or a glass of wine – or donate to my houseplant addiction fund – here.
You can also see my Amazon wish list here.