The golden rules of buying from Facebook Marketplace

*Although I love browsing Facebook Marketplace (mainly to laugh at the complete shite for sale), I haven’t actually used it since I got rid of a load of baby stuff which was a fair number of years ago now. However, with a house move in the pipeline, I had two unused kids beds to sell and mattress to give away so that I could empty out the garage in readiness.

Unfortunately, I regret to report that all the people who came were polite, and arrived on time with a vehicle big enough to take things away without having to break them apart. They didn’t haggle on the doorstep, demand free delivery to Inverness or try to scam me with fake courier pick ups.

All good, although to be honest I was hoping for a blog post, or at least an amusing anecdote, out of it.

Such is life.

I might not have experienced any trauma this time around, but I’ve been on the receiving end of some proper dumbarsery in the past.

Ages ago, I wrote a post about selling stuff online. Now, a mere five and a half years later, here are my tips for buying from Facebook Marketplace.

1. Measure up your vehicle beforehand

My first tip for would-be buyers is simple; to save a wasted journey, it’s advisable to make sure that the massive piece of furniture you’re picking up will fit in your bloody car.

I once sold a massive 6ft x 2ft fish tank complete with 3ft cabinet, and a guy and his elderly father turned up to take it in a Toyota saloon. This was despite the advert specifying very clearly that it was fucking massive so you’d need a van and at least four strong people to lift it, in case that wasn’t immediately obvious by virtue of the fact that it was six feet long. Strangely, the laws of physics did not bend for them and they had to come back the following with enough people and a van.

All you need to ensure you don’t make a twat of yourself is get hold of a tape measure, and then measure how big your car boot is. You might even be able to save yourself the hassle of going outside to your driveway by Googling it (but don’t just ask the person you’re buying from, they’re unlikely to know).

I was giving away a really old army camp guard room mirror. Huge, heavy thing. I put the dimensions in the ad: 7ft6 tall, 3ft wide, 3 sections: Solid oak frame, mirror, backing. Will need lots of padding between sections. Weight: approx 9-10 stone. Will need large van and 2 people to carry it. Got a message from some woman: “Will this fit in my Ford Ka?”

Diane

Next, find out how large the object you’re hoping to buy is.

If your car boot is bigger than the object, then congratulations, it will fit!

If not, then it probably won’t. Although there’s nothing to stop you giving it the good old college try anyway and wasting everyone’s time.

[I had a] couple who turned up to pick up a 3 seat sofa from me in a Qashqai. They even tried to put it in the boot. To be honest I let them for laughs.

Claire

Someone asked if the piano we had advertised would fit in a Mini. I pretty much gave up on the human race at that point.

Rachel

The last time I gave something away it was a Kallax unit. After 5 no-shows from various people for various reasons, the last person at least turned up. With a car way too small. They rammed it half in the boot, and I watched from the kitchen window as it slid back out again as they went round the corner just down the road.

Sean

2. Don’t drive? Think outside the box

Not everyone can drive or has a car, understandably so. However, picking things up when you don’t have your own transport can be tricky. Ideally, you can ask a friend or family member for help collecting your items, or maybe get a taxi or hire a man with a van.

If none of these options are available to you, then you might have to think outside the box.

Someone came to my place for a huge cube bookshelf. I’d taken it apart but couldn’t believe they had brought a pushbike to collect it on.

Belle

My sister once listed a king size divan bed and a guy wanted to collected it using the bus apparently…. so many questions.

Chris

I sold a large glass coffee table recently and a woman picked it up saying she would get the bus home. 

Lydia

Remember – it’s stupid and it works, it ain’t stupid.

I had a man once turn up to collect my king-size bed base (which split in two) and over-sized head board – WITHOUT a car. He lived up the hill and was more than happy to carry it all home in stages balancing most of it on his head.

Sureyya

3. If you can’t transport it, then maybe just ask the seller if they’ll send it to you free of charge

I sold a handbag to someone that lived in the next road. She didn’t turn up but then messaged me to ask if I could deliver as she had a headache but desperately needed it as she was going out that evening.

Laura

I once sold a barely worn pair of Clarks baby shoes for £2 (they were immaculate). Got asked to drop the price and to deliver them on what would be an 18 mile round trip. Got called the c-word for ‘ruining her daughters christening’ when I refused.

Louise

Just kidding, do not do this.

4. A bit of politeness never goes amiss

Even if you’re paying someone handsomely for something, saying please and thank you is always a nice touch. When you’re asking for free stuff, showing a bit of gratitude helps. Starting by barking a list of demands is not polite, and a surefire way to be overlooked in favour of someone else.

Smashing someone’s house up and disappearing without apologising is really not polite.

I gave away a sofa. The couple insisted they didn’t need help getting it out the house even though they looked like the Chuckle Brothers. They put one of the legs through our brand new stud wall that my husband had put up the day before. Didn’t even say sorry or thanks for the free 3 seater!

Faye

5. Be punctual

Turning up when you say you will would seem like a basic request, but for the people of Facebook marketplace, it seems like an impossible task. This seems to be even more difficult when said item is being given away for free.

I know life happens, and things get in the way, but unless you’re literally in a coma then you should be able to let someone know that you’re delayed or not coming. As a seller, nothing makes you more likely to chuck something in a skip than waiting in for two hours for someone who said they were on their way to collect it.

There are way, way too many incidences of this to bother quoting any here, but it’s bloody irritating.

Bonus ideas: Why not use your new contact as a way to recruit people to your MLM?

(You can read an age-old post about MLM here!)

After all, there can’t be too many people left on your friends list now hun.

And I’ll leave you with some of my favourite People of Facebook Martketplace. I can’t even pretend that these screenshots actually fit in this post, but they are definitely worth sharing here nonetheless:

Wow, indeed.

Eh? You alright Sandra love?

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