Ask Aunty Fran – Episode 6: Threesomes, office romances and ghost love

Ask Aunty Fran Parenting and life

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Good evening/morning/whatever it is where you are and welcome back to Aunty Fran’s greatly revered advice column.

I’m afraid I’ve been absent for a while, yet again. I went through all my excuses in the last episode but I’ve been away once more, this time to Prague (read all about it here), I’ve had an eighth birthday and a back injury to contend with (read about that here) and I’m just generally lazy and that probably won’t change.

Firstly, let’s see where Aunty Fran has been providing excellent advice around Facebook (mainly on The Mirror page, it would seem).

I feel like I should get a hobby, but let’s face it – pottery or fishing just doesn’t hold the same appeal.

The eagle-eyed among you may note that I have deviated from the usual presentation this week, because it takes longer, and you can’t put links in. Please accept my apologies for the lack of Comic Sans, but this way is much easier.

Anyway, here we go!

First up, to hook you in with a goodun: Heath is considering love beyond the grave

My inbox is a wild ride.

Dear Aunty Fran,

A couple of years ago, the woman of my dreams was sadly killed in a car accident, and I’ve never really come to terms with the loss.

We weren’t much more than friends, but I think that given time I could have become closer to her as she was definitely “the one”.

Now, a medium that I know has told me that she’s made contact, and has offered to help me talk to her and finally take the next step, despite her not being alive.

Do you think this is wise and healthy? I’ve had long distance relationships before, so this doesn’t feel too different. Even if the medium is quite expensive.

Heath

Dear Heath,

I’m not going to beat around the bush here, you sound weird and obsessive, and the type of man who’d build a shrine to a co-worker in his mum’s spare room, including stolen underwear. You need to get a grip and stop this.

But, before you go completely, how much exactly were you considering paying this medium? If you’re talking four figures, then bear in mind that I’m lucky enough to be connected to the other side, and can communicate with you entirely by text.

Love, Aunty Fran.

Heath’s girlfriend, maybe

Next up, Daphne wants some gift advice

And, as I’m sure my family and friends can all attest, as the world’s worst gift giver I can’t think of a better person to ask.

Dear Aunty Fran,

My boss is leaving the company in December and as his PA, I have been tasked with buying his leaving gift. The only problem is that he is an utter w*nker who absolutely nobody likes. Do you have any ideas for the perfect present for him?

Love and hugs,

Daphne

Dear Daphne,

Why not get him one of these – ahem – male masturbators so he can ‘wink’ himself into oblivion?

Alternatively I have a lovely list of gifts that may be suitable here.

Aunty Fran x

Now for Steve, who has a surprisingly lacklustre response to his other half’s plans

Dear Aunty Fran,

My(m) other half(f) wants to have a threesome, and has already suggested a friend(f) who’d be keen, talked about getting a hotel, and between them they seem to have it all planned out.

The only problem is that I have no interest in it at all. I’m quite lazy and a bit chunky, so disappointing one woman at a time is fine for me, and I definitely don’t fancy her friend. The more excited she gets about it the more I suspect I’m going to be sat around asking if there’s anything I can do to help whilst they get on with stuff.

Any advice? Should I say no? Go along with it and hope for the best?

Help!

Steve

Dear Steve,

I am getting the feeling that your presence at this event is not going to be essential to the enjoyment of the other parties.

So as not to waste your time I suggest that you take a book, relax, let them get on with it and enjoy some peace and quiet.

I’d suggest this one for some light reading,

Love, Aunty Fran x

I suspect this one *might* be a spoof, but I answered anyway

You just never know.

Dear Aunty Fran,

I really don’t know what to do, or who to turn to. I feel like I’m trapped, with no way out, and no-one can help me. As briefly as I can, a decade or two ago I started playing the fool at work. Messing around, making jokes, pretending to be stupid (more than I actually am), and I realised that people liked me more.

So I upped my game, and really started to be ridiculous at all times. I even started to dress badly in ill-fitting clothes, I stopped brushing my hair, and all the time I got more and more attention, even from women, despite being physically repulsive. Fast forward to today, and I don’t know how to stop.

I’ve ended up in a job that I’m woefully underqualified for, causing untold damage, and thanks to the attention from women I’ve no idea how many children I have. I’ve tried talking to my friend Jacob, but he just answers in Latin, which I don’t really understand despite pretending to.

I’ve broken lockdown rules, I’ve had multiple affairs – nothing. I’ve even given rambling speeches (about Peppa Pig World, which I know you love) so incompetent that journalists have asked me whether I’m OK. I’m not!

Help me!

Boris

Dearest Boris,

This u hun?

You’re obviously trying very hard to get sacked, I guess it’s not your fault the average person is as dumb as a box of rocks.

Hopefully soon someone will put you out of your misery.

No love for you I’m afraid, Aunty Fran x

Gwynn is finding her 1950s style husband hard to live with

I’ll be your alibi, Gwynn

Dear Aunty Fran

My husband is the “traditional” type, and thinks that household chores and childcare are nothing to do with him, so refuses to help.

I love him, but he earns less than me and works shorter hours, so I’m getting really resentful at looking after him and our two kids, whilst he does whatever he likes.

How can I gently convince him to help more?

Gwynn

Dear Gywnn,

How do you gently convince him? With a bat would be my choice.

Love, Aunty Fran x

Gwynn’s front room

Keith has a budding office romance

Very exciting! I miss working in an office. Sometimes. Not right now though.

Dear Aunty Fran,

I have a major crush on someone at work, and don’t know what to do about it. He’s lovely, kind, funny and exactly my type, and sometimes I think he might feel the same.

How can I make a move, in a way that I can completely deny and step back from if he’s not interested? I don’t want it to get awkward.

Keith

Dear Keith,

Have you tried sending photographs of your genitalia? I’m not saying you should do that, and it may be one of the reasons I can’t work in an office environment any more, but at least you won’t die wondering.

Alternatively, if you don’t want a long meeting with HR and possibly a criminal record, send a lovely note telling them how you feel, and when he inevitably rejects you shout PSYCHE! and run away.

Love, Aunty Fran x

And lastly: Kids. Who’d have em, eh?

Obviously as a parenting guru (ahem) I get a lot of parenting related questions. Here are some from this week to round us off.

Dear Aunty Fran,

I love my kids, aged 8 and 6 but my god my 6 year old is so whiny. Everything is a problem. EVERYTHING! Aside from trying to exercise restraint at telling him to shut the f up, what else can I do?

From mother of a whino.

Dear MOAW,

Did I write this? Are you me? Do I drink so much that I can’t tell anymore?

Time for a drink. That’s both my advice to you and for myself. Apparently it stops at some point. When they move out.

Love, Aunty Fran x

Sleep is life, sleep is life

Dear Aunty Fran,

I have a 4 week old son, our first child. The circle of eating, pooping and sleeping is a never ending carousel and I am starting to lose it because the only one getting any sleep is the baby (at a not-safe-to-drive level atm).

Any tips for regaining sanity or any sort of illusion of it?

Fionnuala

Dear Fionnuala,

I remember this well. Babies are BRUTAL and sleep deprivation is torture; do not recommend.

Unfortunately there is nothing I can recommend as an adequate replacement for sleep. Do you have a partner, a parent, a friend or weird but overly friendly old lady neighbour that you can dump the baby on for an hour or two and have a nap?

If not, perhaps consider setting up a parenting blog so you can whinge about it at your heart’s content with other parents and, 6 years on, you may even find yourself writing a shit agony aunt column full of awful advice which is a delightful bonus.

Love and zzzzs, Aunty Fran

If you enjoyed this and you’re feeling generous, you can buy me a cup of tea or a glass of wine here.

Find more from Aunty Fran here, or submit your own problems, woes and worries here.

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