How to protect women and children: 1. Paint on roundabouts

Alternative title: The one where Fran enraged a lot of thickos.

It’s been an embarrassing month to be British.

Flags nonces, the Gammonati, Deform voters, sex offenders, Union Jackoffs, Daily Mail readers, the Nigel Farage Fanclub, Nazis, life’s winners…

Whatever your pet name for them; they’re currently out in force, vandalising mini roundabouts, zebra crossings and even war memorials with red paint (to represent St George’s cross naturally), possibly dressed like this.

…Why?

Intimidation, division and fear. Well it’s all in the name of ‘patriotism’ and/or ‘protecting our woman and girls’ from the millions, maybe even trillions, of evil illegal migrants who are coming over here in their little boats to live a life of luxury in 5* hotels, being lavishly spoiled with £10 a week to spend on themselves and stealing our jobs and probably our woman. No wonder they all come to the UK! (Actually, they don’t; the facts on this can be found here, and I encourage you to read them).

According to the terminally furious, many of whom appear to have a deeply troubled relationship with the English language, migrants are the root of all their problems. Not billionaires. Not politicians. Not the grifters (cough, Tommy Robinson) they idolise. Nope. It’s definitely the asylum seeker with nothing but the clothes on their back and ten quid pocket money.

But…Why mini roundabouts?

Why they’ve decided that mini roudabouts are patriotic, I don’t have a clue. However, they’re painting them with big red crosses; it has been suggested that the swastika is a little complicated for their liking. I know this is true because, I saw one with my own eyes in Weymouth.

Of course, it’s not just the roads they’re decorating; the comments sections are getting a fresh coat of stupid too.

A quick scroll through the thousands of comments on that – or any related – Facebook post tells you everything you need to know. The majority of sane people with the gift of coherent thought agree that it’s an embarrassment. But then there’s the small (and very loud) right-wing thug contingent, insisting that splashing red paint on road markings is somehow ‘protecting women and girls’ rather than what it very clearly is: criminal damage.

And of course, protecting women and girls is something they’re deeply passionate about.

That is, right up until the moment you tell them their efforts are a bit daft. Then suddenly, it’s all ‘you and your kids deserve to get raped’ without so much as a hint of irony. For extra context, 40% of the geniuses arrested during the Farage Riots last year had previous arrests for domestic abuse. Who’d have guessed? Oh wait… literally everyone. It’s almost like it was never about protecting women in the first place. Almost.

So yes it’s grim; but also, occasionally, very funny. Here’s a curated selection of my favourites from the comments section and my inbox. I didn’t get through too many, because the signal in Weymouth was patchy, and honestly, my blood pressure can only take so much.

This one was probably my favourite, because someone peeped his profile and it shows that he attempts to sell wax melts for a living. FFS. You are a wax melt.

…And those are just the ones who drop a comment before wandering off to abuse someone else.

I’ve attracted a couple of dedicated fans too.

Honestly, nothing screams “totally unbothered and definitely cool” quite like a bloke trawling back through years of photos across multiple platforms just to leave little digs about my appearance… all because I dared to suggest his floor-flags were a bit stupid.

By my calculations, it took him a good two hours a day over three days with not a single response. I can’t lie, the thought fills me with glee. I get paid by Facebook on engagement and this month, I’ll have enough to pay for a holiday.

Here’s the thing, mate: I’m 41. I’m perimenopausal. I am slap-bang in the glorious couldn’t give a single shit stage of life. You are never – ever – going to get a rise out of me by calling me names or criticising what I look like. I like myself, my life, and my face just fine, thanks. So you’ll just have to sit there and cry about it.

Might I suggest redirecting your energy into something more useful? Perhaps an educational activity to brush up on your spelling. The CBeebies magazine does a cracking wordsearch.

(I do very much hope that, in amongst all the protests and flag noncery, we get another poetic moment like the bloke who took a brick to the balls during last year’s Farage riots. I feel it united a large number of people, and we need that).

OK: Let’s talk politics – Where do I stand on all this immigration stuff?

Obviously I think painting mini roundabouts and street furniture with red paint looks shit and is stupid, but what about the migrants issue it’s supposedly in aid of?

I barely touch politics these days as it’s just too bloody rage-inducing, but according to the Tommy Ten-Names fan club, there are only two options: either you want every single person with brown skin and a religion other than White Jesus deported immediately, or you want to throw open the borders, hand out spare keys to your house, and shag Keir Starmer while you’re at it.

Obviously, it isn’t that black and white. It’s not a football game. It’s a bit more nuanced than that.

Here’s my take: nobody is risking their life in a dinghy for the promise of a tenner a week and a Premier Inn breakfast buffet. They’re fleeing wars, persecution, and all the stuff the gammons pretend doesn’t exist.

If the government actually processed claims properly, let people work, and created safe routes, we wouldn’t have this endless hotel/backlog circus. Problematic individuals would be identified and dealt with. But instead of fixing anything, they’d rather blame the bloke with nothing but the clothes on his back, all while cheering on the billionaires who are actually rinsing them.

Yes, Labour did increase immigration back in the day. But then the Tories took over, and after fourteen years of taking back control we ended up with an asylum system that was slower, more expensive, and more chaotic than ever. Safe routes shut, backlogs exploded, and the whole strategy became one long exercise in performative cruelty: Rwanda flights that never left, barges, endless tough talk, none of which sped up processing or stopped small boats. That’s the system Labour inherited, and so far, things don’t look much improved – although small boat arrivals were, despite what you see bandied about on social media, at their highest when the Tories were still at the helm.

But let’s be clear: handing the keys to Reform isn’t the answer.

Their big plan is basically to shout STOP THE BOATS even louder, dismantle the NHS on the side, and feather their own nests. They don’t want solutions – safe routes, faster claims, actual management – because solutions don’t fuel the rage machine. Reform thrive on having a problem to point at, not on fixing it.

Nige – you are, and always have been, a totally disingenuous Shyster.

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