It may shock you to learn that, as a blogger, I’m not yet rich. Sure, I get a nice meal out now and again, and I am fortunate to have been gifted all the robot vacuums I could wish for, but somehow the multi-million quid book deal I was sure was in the bag has yet to materialise.
Weird, eh.
While I’m bumbling on, having a bit of fun and making a few quid here and there, I do sometimes like to dream about what I’d actually do if I was ever to hit the big time (or win the lottery online at Lottoland UK which is on balance, more likely).
Obviously I’d buy a bunch of houses, helicopters and holidays – but I’d also put some effort into being mildly ridiculous.
1. Pay someone to pair socks for me
I’m OK with doing the laundry, but I really hate pairing socks. As an average Joe, it’s something I do through gritted teeth but no million- or billionaire should have to suffer the indignity of sock pairing.
Apparently, George Clooney likes to wear a brand spanking new pair of socks every single day. While I’m sure that George then donates his off-casts to the poor and sockless, this does feel a little bit wasteful to me, and I’m sure that if I won the lottery I could afford very nice socks (and wouldn’t worry too much when one magically disappeared) and posh detergent to make them feel as good as new every day, but I draw the line at matching them.
2. Employ a ‘human Roomba’ for tidying surfaces
Can you imagine? A person whose sole job it is to bumble around the house cleaning and wiping down surfaces? Basically what I do now, but hopefully more effectively.
3. Have daily car valets
Wouldn’t it just be lovely to have a least a few crumb-free hours every day before the kids get in and mess it all up.
If I won the Euromillions, maybe I’d just get a brand spanking new car each morning and pass the old one on to a random person on the street, for example a mum driving an old Fiesta.
4. Purchase a fabulous collection of wigs
5. Have a personal fromager on hand at all times
A personal chef and a sommelier to help find the right wine at mealtimes are obvious additions to a millionaire’s mansion, but I think I’d opt for a professional cheese expert (I’m sure such careers exist) to stock a big cheese trolley with a selection of new and interesting artisan dairy goodness – with expert tasting notes – after each three course meal (and sometimes in the evening just for fun).
6. Have a never ending supply of Peperamis
Just because I like them. It isn’t very deep.
7. Have someone build me a massive Ferrero Rocher pyramid
And every time I took one I would go ‘Monsieur, with these Rocher you’re really spoiling us’ and everyone would laugh like they weren’t sick of hearing it because when you have lots of money, I imagine people pretend you are funny when you aren’t.
8. Have surgery to get rid of all the Peperami, cheese and chocolate weight.
And then – more importantly – I’d pay a clever scientist to create calorie-free Peperamis, cheese and chocolate.
9. Buy a very convincing Parish Notice Board for the park by my house
And then spend my days winding up the local residents by posting nonsensical notices about Naked Park Yoga, lost boa constrictors and gigolos for hire. I would then get it turned into a Pokemon gym so I never ran out of pokecoins.
10. Get a lot of dogs
Dogs are great. I love my dog, but there’s nothing she’d like more than a buddy or six to play with.
I’d obviously also employ people to look after the dogs when I couldn’t, so I don’t have to pick up hundreds of dog poops a day, I don’t think obscenely rich people should have to deal in dog poop.
11. Buy up all the tickets for the whole of Coldplay’s next tour
So they have to play to absolutely nobody, as a punishment for just being so shit and middle of the road.
12. Pay whatever it cost to put Nigel Farage, Dan Wootton, Harry Cole, Laurence Fox, James Corden, Jonathan Gullis, Kirstie Allsop, Suella Braverman, and the whole GBN lot in the IACGMOUH jungle
And then just leave them there indefinitely. Obviously, this would not be broadcasted to anyone.
This is a collaborative post
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