49 ways you know you’re in Heck

You must have seen the meme that’s been knocking around forever, saying something along the lines of:

Satan has opened up ‘heck’ which is like a PG Hell-lite. Sadly you’ve died and that’s where you’ve gone (you now realise that maybe you should have behaved, but hey. It was fun).

What would be in Heck?

It’s not hellish, it’s just… annoying.

For example: When you put the washing on the line and then it’s raining 20 minutes later – or you put it in the tumble drier as you can feel storm clouds gathering, and they decide to wait it out.

Here are 49 ways that, if Heck was a place, you’d know you were there:

1. In every room of your house, the flooring is ever so slightly off centre
2. All the pictures in your house are wonky, always
3. There are patterned tiles in the bathroom which are supposed to be random but there somehow are two the same next to each other
4. USB plugs never go in until at least the third attempt
5. The audio on every tv show or film you watch is very slightly out of sync
6. All socks are slightly damp
7. Your roast potatoes are always shit
8. Mobile reception is awful everywhere
9. Your bedroom always has an invisible and very noisy mosquito
10. Every time you are late to bed, you find out you stripped the sheets and forgot
11. Your Ring doorbell goes off too late to answer the door to the DHL man and they always take it back to the depot, which is in Slough
12. Paracetamol packets always open with the leaflet blocking the pills
13. You wake up every day 37 minutes before your alarm is due to go off
14. Every time you open an envelope you get a paper cut. AND it’s a tax bill.
15. The toilet never flushes away poo successfully on the first go
16. The doctor only ever calls you back when you’re on the loo
17. You can’t open a packet of anything without tearing it so it can’t be sealed back up
18. Your bread always goes mouldy two days before the best before date
19. There’s always a high pitched buzzing from an appliance which you just can’t locate
20. Every phone charger only works in one very specific position
21. Every time you open the dishwasher, there’s a full load in it – even if you definitely just emptied it
22. Whenever you try to open a can of soft drink, the ring pull pulls right off without opening it
23. Whenever you use public transport, the only seat left is next to someone you worked with ten years ago and didn’t really like
24. You always inexplicably have sand between your toes
25. You constantly have one of those spots that is painful but it’s never ready to pop
26. You have something stuck in your teeth but you don’t have access to a toothpick
27. The weather always changes unpredictably throughout the day so whatever you’re wearing when you leave the house is either far too hot or far too cold by lunchtime
28. Every time you wash your hands, a little bit of water gets on the cuff of your jumper and goes up your sleeve
29. Your sunglasses are always smudged no matter how well you clean them
30. The only available tea is PG Tips
31. Your tv is stuck on ITVBe and you can’t change the channel
32. Every time you wash your hands, the tap’s water pressure is too high and it sprays you so you look like you’ve wet yourself
33. There’s a streetlight right outside your bedroom window. And it flickers.
34. Every time you want a cold drink, all your glasses are warm from the dishwasher
35. Your duvet loses one feather per night. Which pokes you and wakes you up at 0353
36. You can almost never find the end of the sellotape and if you do, it tears in half
37. There is only dial up internet
38. …Which is too patchy to stream music and the only radio stations you can get only play Christmas music
39. Every time you go to a webpage, it refuses to load until you ‘refresh’, at the exact moment it finally loads
40. Whenever you go to the supermarket, you always forget to buy at least two things from your list and have to go back
41. And you never remember a bag for life despite having 30 living in the back of your car
42. The last ten pages of every book you read are blank
43. All your crisps are stale
44. 70% of teabags are split
45. Your clothes are all wearable but a little bit too small
46. Bin day changes constantly and you always miss it
47. Everything you order online comes in the wrong colour
48. And is delivered by Evri over next door’s hedge
49. You can get wine, but only the alcohol free variety

Thanks go to the Pimty crew for their input!

If you’re looking for more lists of really annoying stuff, try this post here. Or maybe this one. Or even this one right here.