I don’t have time for this twaddle, skip to the advice!
I got onto the property ladder with my first and only house in 2009. It was bought with the help of a long-retired government scheme for first time buyers, because the idea of my then-boyfriend/almost-husband/soon to be ex and I saving up a deposit of £20,000+ whilst paying out £800 a month in rent and an insane amount in bills and commuting costs, and being on rubbish graduate starter salaries was really rather laughable.
13 years on and the house is now being sold, and once it is I’ll be back in the non-homeowners club again.
Blogging as a job is great in terms of flexibility (and fun) but there is no way on God’s green earth that I could afford to buy a house on my own, that’s just mad. Unlike in 2009, the deposit I’d need now to buy a house big enough for my kids and I to live in is astronomically, laughably huge, and the chances of getting a mortgage as a single self-employed mother is almost as laughable.
Or is it?
Kirstie Allsopp has this week cemented her status as the ‘Katie Hopkins of shit DIY’ by coming out and saying that the reason young people* aren’t on the housing ladder is, essentially, because they are unwilling to give up their gym memberships and fancy Starbucks lattes. Probably. I confess I didn’t read her precise comments because they are locked behind The Times paywall; I don’t even like coffee but I’d rather pay for the latte thanks.
Her first suggestion is that people should sack off such frivolities, but let’s face it I haven’t set foot near a gym in years, even by accident, I don’t drink coffee and I still pinch someone else’s Netflix and am very much hoping they don’t read this and realise.
She also suggests moving somewhere cheaper, because what is great for young people’s mental health is ditching their support system and moving to a shitsplat village where there are no jobs, however in my situation I think the courts might have something to say about that if I just abandoned the kids, so we’ll gloss over that one for now.
— James the Giant Peach (@JamesTindale8) February 6, 2022
Anyway, here is what I imagine the rest of the article suggested.
Hope it helps!
1. Be richer
All this involves is having more money. The most effective way to do this is to be born to richer parents, preferably nobility. Alternatives include a large lottery win, or marrying into money. Easy!
2. Live rent free
Save up more money each month by simply living rent free, such as in a self-contained annex on your parents’ land. If they don’t have such an annex then consider moving into one of your investment portfolio houses in the short term. I’m sure you can expense some of it.
3. Be a savvy investor
By dipping into your trust fund and investing a small sum such as £2,000,000 in stocks and shares, the interest you accrue could help with the deposit.
4. Inherit one
Not the most efficient way to acquire a house as you will need to pay taxes, but if you’re stuck it could help in a pinch and that’s what dodgy accountants are for, after all.
5. Sell some of your priceless antiques
Who even needs two Picassos knocking about the house? Are you even USING that Ming Dynasty vase or is it just gathering dust?
6. Have a better job
Get a job like Kirstie’s, on telly, where you paint gingerbread houses and and raise your profile by talking out of touch bollocks every now and then.
Or, why not become a Tory MP and expense the shit out of everything? Even if you’re objectively awful at your job, no one can make you leave!
Alternatively, simply rise to a senior position in MI6 or the Ministry of Defence, and sell secrets to foreign powers.
7. Buy in 1983
Really, you should have considered buying a house before you were born; for example back in 1983, the average house price was £27,623 (according to Nationwide) which is pretty much bang on one-tenth of the average price now. Think of how much you could have saved if you’d been more savvy!
Still desperate? how about….
8. Sell a few body parts
You don’t even need two kidneys to live!
9. Let Boris Johnson impregnate you
Desperate times and all that, but I’m sure you’ll get a house out of it. And some expensive wallpaper.
*I KNOW. I do not count as young people.