Enjoying kids’ holiday entertainment: A guide for parents

We’ve just returned from our summer holiday. Rather than jetting off somewhere exotic, we made our second trip to a holiday park in Somerset.

We decided to revisit as it’s close to a gloriously sandy beach which we didn’t quite get to make use of during the drizzly Easter holidays, and the children just loved the whole thing; even the utter shitehole which is Brean Theme Park and the children’s club entertainment.

The children’s club entertainment is, I’m told, similar to what parents of children will be experiencing in holiday parks and resorts up and down the country and even abroad if they’re very lucky.

I know this kind of stuff does vary wildly in quality but there is the same general set up; some cringeworthy ‘banter’, some enthusiastic singing, a call for everyone to join in the words and actions and if you’ve vexed people in a past life, someone dressed up in terrifying mascot suits.

And bingo – bloody hell.

I honestly cannot warn you about how tedious bingo is, and that’s from someone that won the jackpot (£173!) on the second night. That’s nice and all, but it’s nowhere near enough to pay for the alcohol required to make bingo interesting.

If you’ve never been through this particular form of torture, here is a general guide to kids’ holiday entertainment:

1) Arrive early so you can get a ‘good table’

This means one as far away from any speakers as possible, where you can still ‘watch’ your kids dancing while you sit with your drink.

Bonus points if you can keep an eye on it from the bar.

2) Order drinks

I’d recommend something alcoholic for you (maybe two; we used to use the term double-fisting for this but apparently that raises eyebrows these days) and something with less than 30g of sugar per bottle for your child.

Bloody hell Britvic, my kid is still on a comedown after that mistake.

3) Bring earplugs

One of the benefits of holidaying in the good old unreliable UK is that most of this type of stuff takes place in a hot, stuffy indoor room where the noise is trapped and reverberates into your very soul.

Prepare for it to be ear-drum-burstingly loud; a hundred times louder than it actually needs to be. Maybe it drowns out the sound of the overexcited, overtired, oversugared kids, or something?

And these aren’t performing arts-trained professionals, of course. They’re generally shouty twenty-somethings in an unflattering polyester suit (which they must absolutely love) and a microphone yelling at people to clap their hands and shouting GIRLS AND BOYS over and over and over.

The songs will stick in your brain; honestly move aside Baby sodding Shark, Soco Bate Vira is definitely up there on the fucking annoying scale.

4) Be prepared for audience participation

Because for some reason, even though you’re the sap paying for this holiday, they want to make absolutely sure that you can’t enjoy it in peace with a beverage and they will MAKE YOU DANCE and even take a whipped cream pie to the face (yes, fucking hilarious, thanks kids).

Of course you’ll do it because you want your kids to smile even though in your brain you’re planning your childfree holiday in Mauritius.

I suggest that if you have a husband or partner, you drag them along and then pop to the loo at this crucial moment.

For this reason, my husband is now the proud owner of not one, but three certificates for dancing.

Well done, dear. I’m so very proud.

5) And don’t think you’ll get out of it

Because it’s on every night, your kids will want to go because it’s an excuse to stay up late and drink stuff that turns their tongues blue, you will probably want a drink because it’s your holiday too dammit and holidaying with kids is bloody intense, and you’ll realise you’re stuck on a holiday park in the middle of nowhere and there’s not really a lot else to do.

Happy holidays!