Thirteen reasons Daddy Pig is an incompetent idiot

Yep, I’ve taken down Peppa and now I’m turning my sights on Daddy Pig.

I’ve recently been sent the Peppa My First Cinema film on DVD. Prior to this we’d been a Peppa-free household for some time and I must say, I was starting to enjoy it.

But now she’s back in my life and it’s not just her that is annoying me, but her imbecile of a father too.

Some say he is teased and cruelly taunted by his family, and fat shamed by his offspring, which makes Peppa Pig a bad role model for children.

Some say they couldn’t give a toss because he’s a cartoon pig.

I say; he’s a monumental bellend.

Here, as if you asked for it, is the proof.

1. He can’t even read a map of a straight line.

2. He’s so crap at DIY that he took half a wall down trying to hang a single picture. Have I mentioned he is a structural engineer? Jesus wept.

3. He would probably perish without his wife to cook for him; he can’t even flip a pancake without getting it stuck to the ceiling or have a barbecue without setting fire to everything.

4. He is a terrible role model for his kids because he won’t exercise but laughs this off. This might of course be a coping mechanism to deal with his burning shame at being so unfit, but then he doesn’t seem to mind dressing in lycra on occasion.

5.  He thinks he’s an expert at everything but he is clearly not. I get that this is the joke, but I’ve met a lot of actual people like this. Repeatedly, Mummy Pig warns him not to do something but he keeps on doing it anyway just like a toddler. She can’t even tell him off because what good would it even do?

6. He doesn’t know basic French and can’t identify it when someone is speaking it to him although, you guessed it, he professes to be an expert. I can imagine him going over to France, putting on an accent and shouting at people in English and then getting annoyed when they don’t understand him, like a member of UKIP might.

7. He can’t read between the lines at all. If someone says pop by any time, that doesn’t mean pop by any time. Definitely don’t fly your family all the way to Australia.

8. He loses his stuff and blames everyone else. Where were your glasses Daddy Pig? You were sitting on them after all? Twat.

9. He doesn’t even know which day of the week it is.

10. He somehow thinks that at the weekend, he can just relax and kick back in the garden with a newspaper even though he has two young children.

11. His magic tricks are so shit they don’t even fool 3 year olds.

12. He pulls stupid stunts that could probably get him seriously injured or worse in front of his impressionable young children. Ride a hobby horse down a hill? Climb a tree branch that clearly can’t take your weight? I hope he has good life insurance.

13. He never takes responsibility for his actions.  For instance he has a crappy old car and yet drives it straight through a huge patch of mud. Lo and behold when it gets stuck he doesn’t even get out of the car to check what’s going on before ringing around and getting someone else to sort his mess out.

So the question is, does Daddy Pig really have it that bad?

I say he deserves everything he gets.

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