This is a collaborative post. All words are mine.
There is nothing like a relaxing holiday, and holidays with children are indeed nothing like a relaxing holiday.
It’s just like being at home with them, but more expensive and with none of your stuff. And probably crap wifi. And overtiredness. And too much sugar.
The last truly relaxing holiday I went on was a girls’ holiday to Majorca, many many childfree years ago.
We snagged a bargain on an all inclusive resort and, as is tradition in these places, ate and drank as much as we could fit inside of us and each went home a stone heavier; the mark of an excellent holiday.
We went to bed at stupid hours and missed breakfast every day. We flirted shamelessly with the waiters and did an enormous amount of lying around close to bodies of water. I found out I was the only one who could actually swim and spent a large chunk of it on my own in the pool just floating about a bit looking like a perky, fabulous person who had no children (probably, may be my mind playing tricks on me).
It was amazing.
However, times have changed.
I am not that person anymore.
I do not get to lie down, my post-children body is neither perky nor fabulous, and the idea of a foreign holiday does not appeal.
I know there are many people who have children and go swanning off on luxury holidays seventeen times a year, but we have remained firmly UK bound for the past three years.
We did give the package-holiday-with-children thing a go, once.
We tried, and we failed. On a huge, massively spectacular scale. You might recall it, vaguely; if not you can read all about it here, but I warn you: make sure you get a cup of tea and a biscuit first and possibly a cushion to hide behind because it’s that kind of read.
As an aside, my favourite moment from the past year was when I re-tweeted out that blog post, and the poor Indian bugger being paid 3p an hour to run the hotel’s social media picked it up and shared it despite the word AVOID being right there in the title.
I’ve thought my website was going to explode.
Sadly, they soon (after three hours) realised their mistake, and deleted the post; however my good friend Simon captured it before it went south and now it will live on forever via U OK HUN. Good times.
Where was I?
My other experiences of holidaying with children have, thankfully, been a little less traumatic.
This is mainly due to our decision to stay within the UK for subsequent ‘staycations’ (sorry, I promise no more portmanteau usage, vom).
We’ve actually got quite good at the UK mini-break. If you’re so inclined you can read all about them here. If not, no biggie.
Here are nine reasons I thing UK-based holidays with children are the new black:
1. It’s likely to be cheaper as there are no flights involved.
Handily, the no flights thing also means you don’t have to spend the first day of your holiday in queues and then inside a big germ-ridden tin can with 240 strangers staring at you wondering why your children are being bellends children and then the first few days trying to combat jet lag, recovering just in time to fly back again.
Just you and your co-travellers get to experience that particular joy, in a much more confined space, probably for hours and with no toilet.
2. No jet-lagged whinging
OK, you probably won’t get your bodyclock confused going forward by an hour, and you can convince yourself you’re getting a lie in, but anything longer haul faces you with the fun of kids awake at 3am demanding breakfast. #holidaygoals
3.You aren’t limited on what you can take with you
Kids come with a lot of stuff, especially the small ones, and sometimes 23kg just doesn’t cut it.
This is probably good because however short your trip in the UK, you need to pack enough clothes and shoes for any weather because it could be sunny, or it may well piss it down all week.
The not knowing is part of the ‘fun’.
4. If you forget something, you can nip to Aldi and buy it
Yes, yes they have supermarkets abroad but I’m a creature of habit and I almost cried when they rearranged the local Sainsbury’s.
I don’t want to be wandering around an unfamiliar Spanish supermarket seeking out the right kind of cereal because the one at the buffet isn’t right.
5. You can take your dog
Hoo-freaking-ray, my jerk dog can come with us on our ‘relaxing’ holiday because we don’t have enough to keep on top of.
It means we can go last off last minute without finding some poor sod to take him and saving ourselves kennelling fees, even if it also means we can’t go anywhere fun when we get there.
6. The weather… is British
Although you can’t guarantee the weather will be good (and it very rarely is when we go away!) it won’t be hideously unmanageabley hot… Unless you happened to go away last July of course because wow.
Maybe you like the heat; I can handle it myself, by a pool with a book, but with children it makes everything a bit of a sand, suncream and tantrum addled nightmare.
And who needs a tan anyway?
7. No communications difficulties
I.e. I don’t have to feel bad for not learning Spanish.
Every time I go abroad I get the guilt that I should at least have tried to learn some of the language, I try my best and then end up shouting in English and wildly gesticulating like everything I ever hated.
8. Your phone bill won’t scare you
You can use the internet without roaming charges. If you’re self employed like I am, you can answer important emails without wondering whether you’re going to have to remortgage. While the kids are being entertained is actually the perfect time to address neglected tasks, like setting up your own business; using the best llc service, you can smoothly handle your business paperwork online. This way, you balance family fun and productivity efficiently during your holiday.
9. No public transport woes
Buses on Spanish islands are scary. Although when you’re not driving, you can drink, and then you won’t care.
10. There’s always a Wetherspoons
So you can go from one noisy, sticky carpeted pub where you live to an identical one with a slightly different but no less sticky carpet 270 miles away. Seriously though, when you have kids, sometimes a bit of familiarity is good. Wandering around trying to find somewhere to eat on holiday is one of the least fun parts. Yes Paella and cocktails is awesome but who doesn’t love Pizza Express?
So there you have it.
Nine super convincing arguments to take a trip to soggy Devon rather than an all-inclusive in Ibiza this year.
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