The Radford family have just announced the birth of their twenty-first child.
TWENTY ONE CHILDREN.
Yes, you read that right. Three for each day of the week. Just one more and they can have a complete football game.
Back in September last year, when they had just had their 20th, I wrote this post giving 20 reasons why you should definitely follow their lead and have 20 children.
However 21, that’s just mad.
Here are 21 reasons I won’t be following in their footsteps!
Although I’d imagine each natural birth gets a bit easier to the point where it’s pretty much a sneeze-and-you-miss it event, the pregnancies themselves would surely just get progressively worse.
Two have basically broken me; I dread to think when the SPD would kick in if there was another, and by the fourth I’d probably be bedridden. By the 21st I’d be a husk. Or dead.
2. Sleepless nights
Not just years, but DECADES of them.
Two kids tag-team. Five years after my first was born and we are still yet to get that glorious, mythical 8 hours.
That couple must be running on fumes.
3. The noise
Just no. I bet she sometimes wants to shout JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP over and over from the cupboard she’s locked herself into.
4. You’re likely to misplace one
I have two kids, two hands and two eyes and I still manage to lose sight of them on occasion.
Honestly, keeping an eye on 20 children and making sure none of them get lost on a day out must be so hard.
Cooking three meals a day for 23 people must be a military operation, assuming you can find meals that everyone will even eat.
And if you’re not feeling up to it, it’s not like you can just nip to Pizza Express.
6. No willing babysitters
On the odd occasion that we need it, my parents or my sister might take my two kids; times that by ten and I’m fairly sure those offers would dry up.
That’s a LONG time without a single night off, an anniversary meal out or even just a trip to the cinema… Until of course you can pull your own kids into service.
7. The cost
Turns out that kids are so bloody expensive (who knew eh?) what with needing food and clothes and stuff.
Just imagine having to pay for twenty one lots of ballet lessons or football or whatever they want to do, twenty one school trips, and twenty one school uniforms – although I’m quite sure your hand me down game would be epic… Better hope they don’t all want to learn to drive or go to uni.
Nits, worms, all coughs and sniffles brought from school and passed about is bad enough…
But just imagine, if you please, a rather nasty case of D&V. With 23 people in a house. It would be like a scene from a horror movie.
Laundry mountain… I just can’t even. Can’t. Even.
Imagine having to change 10 sets of bunk beds. It would take me a whole day and probably kill me. Cleaning up after 11 potty training boys. NO. There isn’t enough bleach in the world.
How on earth do you find 21 names you actually don’t hate?
11. Say goodbye to holidays
Travelling anywhere as a family unit of 23 must be almost impossible unless you have a bus, a yacht and a private jet.
Just getting all those people out of the house and into the oversized vehicle in the first place sounds like a total nightmare, let alone making sure you have all the passports and stuff in place.
12. Toddler tantrums and teenage angst
Happening simultaneously. For years and years.
You would have to be made of very stern stuff not to just run away.
13. All the alcohol you’d need to drink
At the end of a long day dealing with laundry, tantrums, angst and cooking for an army I think a glass of wine would be very well deserved…
Except you couldn’t because you’re pregnant.
14. Christmas would bankrupt you
Even a small present for each child would set you back hundreds, more likely thousands, and there isn’t a turkey in the world that could feed that many people. Forget about inviting extended family, and about going to see Father Christmas; the poor guy only has two knees!
You’d have a birthday to celebrate every 2 and a half weeks on average. That’s a lot of cakes to bake and parties to throw.
16. Mum admin
Appointments, parties, after school clubs, friends, likes and dislikes… TOO MUCH! Especially with constant baby brain fog. I doubt I’d even remember their names; I already call my kids by the wrong names sometimes.
17. The fighting
With two it’s pretty relentless. Small kids do not like sharing and older ones are probably worse. With 21…
Gives me shivers just thinking about it.
18. The school run
Impossible. How on earth do you get that many people out of the door, on time?
How do you even get one kid to get their shoes on quickly and without screaming? I just don’t know.
19. No decent family photos
Every time I try and get a family photo, someone is blinking or picking their nose (sorry). Getting 23 people looking at the camera and smiling is never ever going to happen, especially when some are toddlers.
20. Two decades of Peppa sodding Pig
Just when you think you’re out of the woods, BAM, you have another and you’re back to square one, right in the Peppa zone.
21. Not even one second of me time….
‘Muuuummmmmeeeeeeeeeee’ All. Day. Every. Day.
How on earth do they find time to even make the babies in the first place? I know you were thinking it.