The Radfords, seemingly nice (albeit slightly crazy) stars of 20 Kids and Counting, have just announced the birth of their 20th child.
Congrats, guys! I didn’t get a gift cos, you know, you probably have everything already.
I suspect you know who I’m talking about; if not, they are a couple with 20 children. That’s pretty much all you need to know.
Now I can’t even begin to imagine this; two have just about done me in, physically and probably mentally too.
Two seems a good amount. You have a good hands:children ratio and you can drive a normal car still.
I have friends who cope with three, or four; I even have a few friends who have had five children which seems a bit mad but they seem to like it. Beyond that though…
Assuming that I wasn’t dead (which I definitely would be) I can’t even begin to think how I’d even come up with names for twenty children or remember what they were.
Transporting them, feeding them, clothing them, getting them out in time for the school run… Well yea, there are a lot of reasons I can think of not to have 20 kids.
But I don’t want to come across as a negative Nelly, so here are 20 not-at-all-grasping-at-straws reasons you might want to consider having 20 children, just like the Radford family on 20 Kids and Counting;
1) You never need to sort out the baby shit.
An endless stream of babies means that you just chuck stuff away when it breaks, or else you just put it back in the cupboard. No NCT sale prep, hurrah!
2) You can wear maternity wear forever.
I miss those lovely, forgiving leggings and floaty, unflattering dresses.
3) You’ll never be bored.
Or lonely. Or go to the loo alone.
4) You’ll get a lot of mother’s day presents.
Although on the flipside you’ll have a birthday to prepare for every two and a half weeks.
5) No periods.
For twenty years, longer if you breastfeed for ages. Amazing.
6) You’ll have an army of willing manservants.
Ready to make tea, babysit, help younger children with homework and take on light household chores.
7) You’ll always look popular at birthday parties.
None of that ‘what if no one turns up’ anxiety.
8) You’ll have an epic excuse for living in a shithole.
Tidying up after 20 kids would be like painting a house as it was burning down; why even bother?
9) If you need an organ, it shouldn’t be too hard to find a match.
There should be a willing and suitable donor.
10) There is a higher chance of at least some of your children getting along.
I mean it’s not a given, but it’s certainly possible.
11) You’ll be able to keep abreast of the latest Hey Duggee developments.
Not that you couldn’t anyway, but it seems more legitimate to watch CBeebies when you actually have preschoolers.
12) Chances are, at least one will be rich or marry into money.
And will therefore be able to look after you into your dotage; maybe even build you a nice granny annex.
13) You won’t have to share.
Because you can’t possible split things 21 ways, so that chocolate bar is all yours and no guilt.
14) You’ll probably get yourself on telly.
If that’s your thing, and you can face annoying people offering their opinions, and even writing blog posts about you.
15) Child benefit x 20.
I mean, as long as they’re already born otherwise you’re screwed, you can thank the Tories for that one.
16) Childbirth probably gets easier with each one.
By number 20, I’m guessing it’s a bit of a ‘sneeze and you miss it’ scenario.
17) No one will ever ask you to do anything, ever.
You’re already beleaguered and if they do ask, you have the perfect excuse to say no to everything.
18) Free dental treatment basically forever.
Eat all the sweets you want, the fillings are on the NHS.
19) You get free entry to stuff.
Once you’ve remortgaged your enormous house and hired a coach, you can treat your kids to a day at the theme park or a trip to soft play and get every 10th entry free. Money in the bank, that.
20) You might actually figure out the parenting thing.
Who am I kidding, I bet even with 20 you would still probably think ‘what the hell am I doing?’ on a daily basis.
Well, I’m convinced.
Good luck to them, I say!
Thanks go to my buddies: Alice, Nikki, Emma, Erica, Sarah, Lisa, Faye, Kip, Anna, Donna, Jenny, Pat and Suzanne for their helpful, and less helpful, suggestions for inclusion. Honestly, you don’t want to hear some of them. Made me laugh though.