I would like to say parenthood hasn’t changed me. I would like to, but we all know that would be rubbish.
There are all sorts of things I don’t do now that I’m a parent, and there are also a lot of things which I would never have predicted I would ever do.
Here are 30 things I’d never have predicted I’d do:
1) Consider 7.30am as an epic lie in and a night of of six hours unbroken sleep as worthy of boasting about on social media.
2) Hear phantom crying the moment I step into the shower.
3) Only ever eat from the green, orange and yellow bowls as I know they’re the least in demand.
4) Go about my day with pockets full of stones, feathers and acorns I’m too scared to discard in case someone asks for them back.
5) Assume that being invited to a party means an afternoon at soft play rather than bring-a-bottle and late night dancing.
6) Spend my afternoons voluntarily drinking crap tea in places with padded walls because there is Wi-Fi and sitting down.
7) Have year-long friendships with other parents I have stored in my phone as ‘So-and-so’s Mum’ (at what point it is awkward to admit you don’t know what they’re called?!).
8) String toilet trips out for as long as possible because I savour spending precious rare alone time even when it’s on the loo.
9) Refer to myself in the third person (‘Mummy is just coming!’ ‘Mummy is on the loo, please don’t come in…”Mummy really doesn’t need an audience kids’).
10) Consider a trip to Ikea to be a fun day out.
11) Sit through ‘shows’ which are like the inner thoughts of a madman and make absolutely zero sense, and then clap like a lunatic at the end.
12) Call my husband ‘Daddy’… accidentally when the kids aren’t even about.
13) Microwave hot drinks which have been left to go cold. Sometimes twice.
14) Buy all of my clothes from supermarkets without so much as trying them on because no one’s got time for that (whilst also spending a fortune on kids’ clothes).
15) Sit on the floor until my bum goes numb wishing I knew what the rules were.
16) Given the choice, go for an evening in over a night out pretty much every time because I’m knackered.
17) Look at the clock on the odd occasions that I am out and instead of working out how long there is until the bar closes, calculate how long it is until my children will wake me up.
18) Get excited when someone does a poo on a toilet (instead of on the floor).
19) Get given money to treat myself and spend it on stuff for the kids.
20) Talk about the bowel habits of other people with near strangers.
21) Spend half an hour packing a bag before I leave the house, even if we’re only going to get bread and milk (and always forget that one thing I need anyway).
22) Take spare clothes with me everywhere or live to regret it.
23) Start the day at 4.23am and not even because I am going on holiday.
24) Consider a lone trip to the supermarket as ‘me time’.
25) Daydream about life after 50 because that’s the magical age when my kids will both be over 18 and I might (just might) have a tidy house again.
26) Spend half an hour trying to convince a smaller version of myself to put her shoes on every time we have to leave the house.
27) Use bribery unashamedly to achieve basically anything.
28) Actively seek out restaurants with beige food and screaming children (because at least mine won’t be the worst…hopefully) and choose a holiday park based on the fact there is dreadful kids’ entertainment.
29) Pick stuff up, ALL THE TIME. Constantly.
30) And yet still live in utter mess. And not care.
This is a collaborative post.