Moving house is supposed to be exciting, isn’t it? A fresh start, a new adventure. A chance to declutter and reinvent your entire life as the sort of person who uses coasters, owns matching towels and whose sideboards are remarkably clear.
When I moved (around six weeks ago!) it was the third time since 2021, so you’d think I’d be used to it by now, but no. I have accepted that moving house is the physical manifestation of chaos. It’s where good intentions go to die. It’s stressful, expensive, and it will make you crazy.
If you happen to be planning a move, have just moved, or are still living among boxes three years after moving (no judgement here, I assure you), here are 14 thing I’ve noticed about moving house which might come in handy to know.
1. You will have SO MUCH SHIT you’ll vow to become a minimalist
You start out thinking, ‘We don’t have that much stuff’ and by the end you’re screaming into a pile of unmatched Tupperware, asking how one family of three acquired 47 mugs even though only one of you drinks tea.
My sage advice? Get a skip and Marie Kondo the shit out of your life before AND AFTER you move and do not feel guilt, my friend, about throwing away as much tat as it takes to make you feel saner. Also become very friendly with the local Buy Nothing Facebook Group for anything that could be passed on – but be brutal. If someone fucks you around (and there are a lot of idiots on Facebook), hoy it in the skip instead. Boom.
Oh and you’ll definitely swear to live a more minimal lifestyle going forward, and stop buying so much random crap. I give it 2-5 weeks.
2. You’ll find keys to nothing and mystery cables
Congratulations! You now have a collection of mystery keys that unlock fuck all and a tangle of chargers that look vaguely familiar but definitely don’t fit anything in your house having long outlived anything they might once have charged.
Sounds like something for the skip? NO! You can’t throw them away.
What if they’re important? What if you need them? So into the drawer they go. The sacred drawer of chaos. Or in my case, box of chaos – because the people who lived here before DID NOT HAVE A JUNK DRAWER IN THE KITCHEN. Madness.
3. Your packing efforts will start off with great intentions
At the start, it’s all neatly written labels and colour-coded post-it notes: ‘Kitchen – Baking Things‘, ‘Kids’ Room – Lego‘.
By day three, you’re just scribbling ‘MISC SHITE – FRAGILE (MAYBE)’ and hoping future-you will figure it out.
Future you really hates past you, FYI.
4. You’ll forget how to be an adult and eat like a student for weeks
Even when you’ve ‘moved in’, don’t expect to cook an actual meal anytime soon. You’ll be too busy trying to remember where you put the knives or hunting down the saucepan that’s somehow in a box labelled ‘boy’s bedroom’.
Takeaways. Toast. The emergency biscuits. The pub at the end of the road where you think the staff are judging you for the sudden frequency of your visits. All very valid options.
5. Your body will betray you
You’ll think you can lift a box of books because you’re an adult who goes to the gym at least three times a week? Nah mate. Your spine will loudly disagree and you’ll spend the evening with a hot water bottle and regret.
Also: Those bruises on your shins from banging into things? They’re permanent now. Ask me how I know.
6. Children are fucking useless at packing
You’ll give them one simple job: Pack their toys. Pick them up, put them in a box. EASY PEASY.
Oh no. Instead, they’ll ‘rediscover’ every forgotten item, play with it for 20 minutes, and unpack everything you just boxed up. And if they do actually pack anything, watch them like a hawk. My son rocked up with a box of smelly pants and orange peel. Useful.
7. Everything will take 17 times longer than it should
‘Oh, it’ll only take an hour to empty the garage’. Will it? WILL IT? It will not.
If you can, pay someone else to do ALL the packing. Worth every bloody penny.
8. The internet setup will be a shitshow
These days you need WiFi just to put your bloody lights on so it’s imperative that it’s one of the things you sort well in advance.
You’ll call the provider. You’ll book the date. You’ll be so organised. And then you’ll move in and discover they’ve connected your internet to a post code in Grimsby and your router is in still in transit.
In my case, the internet which I was paying thirty English pounds a month for wasn’t strong enough to watch an entire Instagram reel, let alone Netflix, and after upgrading twice to no effect it took about 6 rounds of calling for them to send a lovely man named Vlad over to fix it. As you can imagine, the kids were very patient during this ordeal.
9. You’ll have a melt down over something stupid (and it’s normal)
It might be that one of the movers has bashed the wall a bit. It might be losing your toothbrush. It might be the fact that the plates aren’t in the box with the rest of the kitchen stuff and now you’re eating lasagne off a chopping board.
Whatever it is, it’s coming. Let it happen. Embrace the madness. Have a little cry. Do it.
10. You’ll question your sanity
There will come a moment (probably around midnight, surrounded by boxes and dust) when you’ll wonder why you did this. Why you thought it was a good idea. Why anyone does this. Ever.
You’ll fantasise about burning everything and starting again.
That’s just the moving demons talking. You’re doing great. Breathe.
11. You’ll instantly forget where you’ve put anything important
Unpacking the bastard brother of packing because not only do you have to unwrap and handle the same amount of stuff, you have to put it away and crucially remember where you put it. Passports? The remote control? Your will to live? (All real examples, by the way).
Not a bloody clue. You had a ‘safe place’, and now that safe place has either been packed, binned, or mysteriously vanished. You’ll find them one day, probably.
12. You won’t know what that switch does. Probably ever
I was fortunate to have the previous owners give me a thorough tour of everything, pointing out where important things like stopcocks and electricity meters were – and yet I don’t have any recollection of what the switch in the dining room does. It doesn’t turn anything on or off, and there doesn’t seem to actually be anything else to turn on or off.
It shall forever remain a mystery.
13. If you don’t redecorate straight away, it ain’t happening
The burst of adrenaline you get when you move needs to be harnessed and channelled into DIY as soon as possible.
I am now too exhausted, so I’m just going to live with manky walls with spots of filler all over them for five to ten years or maybe just forever.
14. Eventually, it does feel like home
(Even if it still smells of cardboard)
Despite the bruises, the sweat and the existential breakdowns, there will come a moment – maybe weeks or even months later – when you sit on the sofa (that’s finally in the right room) with a glass of wine, and think:
I did it.
I moved.
I survived.
And even if there’s still a box marked ‘random crap’ in the hallway which you’ve decided never to open and has become part of the furniture now… it’s yours.
If you enjoyed this and you’re feeling generous, you can buy me a cup of tea or a glass of wine here.
You can also see my Amazon wish list here.
