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Friday, 24 March 2017

My A-Z of parenting small children

My A-Z guide to parenting small children

The big one is learning her aybeeseedees at preschool. 


We practice them a lot with an array of irritating books, repetitive toys and of course, that song. I'm not convinced she is getting much better, but I'm sure she'll get there. She's only three; I'm sure she could be reading Shakespeare and writing novellas if she were so inclined but she has better things to do like dressing up and fighting with her brother.

Anyway, while she sings her elemenopees, and insists on drawing her 'E's backwards, I thought I'd do my own alphabet.

So here you go.

(Before we begin, if anyone else has this Fisher Price Tablet please tell me what the hell it is saying? Find your friends it's time to play, Monkey, Puppy WHAT?? It's actually driving me demented.)

A is for Apple, half eaten and abandoned on the carpet. It's always for apple, every blinking child's toy will tell you this. I can't think of any other words beginning with A now. 

B is for Bath Time, a nightly battle of wits I rarely win. It's also for Biscuits, the staple diet of a stay at home parent. And (obviously) Booze (see W).

C is for Crap Everywhere and no time or inclination to pick it up.

D is for Daddy. Hero, king, God in the eyes of the kids. Otherwise known as 'man whose snoring irrationally annoys you'.

E is for Eating, which you do in a corner of the kitchen so no one steals your food and never in a restaurant unless you're desperate.

F is for 'F!cksake' which you will mutter under your breath about a hundred times a day. It's the first thing I say when I wake up in the middle of the night (was going to say morning but that is no way to refer to 4.40am).

G is for Grandparents, who love your children probably a little bit more than they loved you, and let them get away with absolutely everything they never, ever would have let you do as a child.

H is for Hangovers which are just so not worth it any more (and yet...).

I is for Ice Cream, which is a useful bribery tool in any weather.
J is for Jewellery which you cannot wear because your children will rip it from you. It can look nice in the box for a few years.

K is for Knackered, which is what you will be.

L is for Love, because you do. Even when they are driving you to the very edge of your sanity.

M is for Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! all the live-long bloody day from both directions. Seriously, why we are so keen for them to start talking I have no idea.

N is for Netflix. Provider of peace. Saviour. What did our parents and our parents' parents do without technology? I bet it was shit.

O is for Oh my God, which my toddler has suddenly started saying and has now been replaced in my vocabulary with 'good golly gosh!'. It could be a lot worse.

P is for Peppa bloody Pig. And poo.

Q if for Questionable Hygiene. Once you catch yourself wondering if you can mop up bodily fluids with baby wipes, you have sunk about as far as you can. Welcome, and enjoy your stay. You're in good company.

R is for Reasoning, which is impossible to do with a toddler. Bribery however - that does work. Try that instead.

S is for Sleep. The holy grail. As a parent, once your children are old enough you may get to sleep about 70% as much as you would like, on a good day. Sometimes it's a miserable 5-10%. When the children are asleep though, you love them so much more (at least 59% more, fact) when their little cherubic faces are drooling into their pillows. Fact.

T is for Tea that you will never get to drink hot.

U is for Up all night. And not in the good way. See K and S. Last night my daughter woke up at 1am, tangled in the bedsheets and came in with me to sleep. She tossed and turned for FOUR HOURS, at which point the other one was up. Sorry, to those of you with babies who thought you were almost done with this. You aren't.

V is for Vomit. Be prepared. Buy a million muslins. And it doesn't stop when they aren't babies anymore, FYI.

W is for Wine.

X is for xxx's. Again with the love. I know, sickening. But if you didn't love them, there is no way you'd actually keep them.

Y is for Youth which has now escaped and taken with it your energy, sanity and hair pigmentation.

Z is for Zoos. You finally have an excuse to do all the fun stuff you always felt a bit weird doing on your own. An excellent excuse to have children if one exists.

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