This is a collaborative post: There are thousands of children whose parents get divorced every year; this year, my kids are two such children. It is natural to worry about how your children will cope and whether it will affect their wellbeing; it is a big reason that many people do not leave unsuitable and even toxic marriages, which can be worse for children in the long run. Once the decision is made, there are ways that you can soften the blow and help them to cope as well as possible.
1. Breaking the news
When it comes to telling your children that you and your spouse will be going through the divorce process, try to do it together if you can. Pick a day when the children are likely to be relaxed. Perhaps over a weekend, so they won’t have to go to school the next day.
When you speak to your children about the divorce, don’t become angry towards your spouse or start fighting with your spouse. Always remind your child that the divorce is not their fault. Many children blame themselves for their parent’s divorce, and it’s important to reassure your children that what’s going on between you and your spouse, is just that, between you and your spouse. Also reassure your children repeatedly, that even though you are getting a divorce, you both still love them very much and nothing will ever change that. Remember to keep the child’s age and maturity in mind. There are many things that you don’t need to tell them at this point; keep the ins and outs to yourself.
2. Listen to them
Your children might also have many questions. Try to put their minds at ease and answer their questions openly and listen to their feelings. Your child doesn’t need to know all the details divorce, or why things went wrong or whose idea it was; keep the explanation simple and age appropriate, and keep reassuring them.
Also remember your kids could react in anger, hurt and confusion to the news they have no control over. Allow them to tell you how they feel. Some children don’t react at all. Wait for them to talk to you when they feel ready. Other kids could hide how they feel. Look out for stressors, such as sleeping problems, lack of appetite and problems at school.
When your children speak to you about how they feel, you need to listen to them and validate their feelings. If they act out, try to ask them why they are feeling sad or angry. Their answers might hurt, but remember, they are hurting too and are do not have the range of coping mechanisms that adults do. By listening to them, you will be able to see how to help them. Sometimes, going with your child to therapy might also be a great idea. In this way, they can vent their feelings and a therapist could give you tips on how to help your child cope.
3. Be clear about new living arrangements and keep routines
Whether you agree between yourself, go through mediation or a court order, it’s important that your children know who they will be spending time with and where they will live and that you keep to these routines as much as you can. Abrupt changes could affect your kids so if possible, keeping them in the same schools, close to their friends and family and making moves gradual can help. Trying to maintain some consistency throughout the chaos could do wonders for your kids
If you find it hard to agree on the best way to split their time, then family mediation is the first port of call. A trained mediator can help you to form a voluntary agreement over custody arrangements.
If mediation has failed or your ex spouse is not engaging or being more difficult with arrangements then you may have to go to court and put in place a Child Arrangement Order for the sake of your children. In case you’re asking what is a child arrangement order, it is a court order which sets out who the children will live with, when they will spend time with their other parent and whether there are any conditions attached to this; for example if the visits are to be supervised. It also lays out whether additional contact for example phone calls and messages can take place.
It is important that you and your ex spouse stick to the same rules; whether you are the primary caregiver or not, don’t become lax on bedtime or with other rules. Children thrive on consistency.
4. Don’t fight in front of your kids.
Seeing their parents fight or being upset is heart-breaking for your child. When children see their parents fighting it can cause major anxiety and stress, and sets a bad example for your kids when it comes to their future relationships.
If you feel the need to argue with your ex, do it when the kids aren’t around or do it via email or in mediation.
5. Do not make your child feel guilty
Some parents cry or hug their children like they are never seeing them again when they leave for their visit with the ex which can make your child feel guilty. Your child will also worry about you and won’t be able to relax. Try your hardest to be positive and tell your child you are sure they will have fun even if you don’t feel it, and let them enjoy their time with their other parent.
6. Inform others of your divorce
Make sure that teachers are made aware of what’s going on at home. You don’t have to go into detail, but if they’re made aware then teachers can offer support to your children during this hard time and let you know if they notice any strange or destructive behaviour at school. Schools have pastoral care teams who will be trained to support your child and help them with their emotions.
7. Be patient
Studies have shown that it takes roughly a year for children to feel OK again but if you’ve done everything you can to help them adjust, they will get there.
During that first year after your divorce, you will need to be patient with your child as they may lash out, be angry, sad, have low self-esteem and feel insecure. If you see that your child is struggling, seeing a counsellor could be a good idea to help them cope.
8. Look after yourself
This is really important. Even when you’re the one that wanted a divorce, separation is extremely hard and the upheaval that comes with it would take its toll on anyone. Look after your emotional health so that you can be the best parent you can be for your kids. If you resort to destructive behaviours because of feeling depressed, this will be damaging to your kids.
If you’re feeling depressed, then ask for help. There is no shame in it. Your children need you to be happy so they can be, too.
If your ex is having the children then start making plans for your free time, doing the things you used to enjoy but found you didn’t have time for once kids came along. Find things that make you happy, whether that’s going out for cocktails with friends, joining a gym or going to the cinema.
9. Encourage communication
Unless there is a specific reason not to then you should allow your children to speak to your ex whenever they want to. We have tablets with Skype on them but there are many child-friendly messaging apps which can make it easy for even young kids to stay in touch with both parents whenever they want to.
10. Make your children feel loved
If a child feels the love of both parents, they will have an easier time adjusting to your divorce. Always be there for your children and let them know you love them. It’s hard – kids have a unique way of driving you absolutely mad at the best of times – and this is normal, but never let your children feel like they’re an imposition and always be happy to see them.