50-odd things that totally should be Olympic events

I’ll preface this post by saying that I am not what you’d call a fan of the Olympics, or sport in general.

I bet you’re shocked at this startling revelation.

I am well aware that there are crazy fit people who dedicate their lives to their chosen sport, and loads of other less crazily fit people who love watching it, and that’s great. Fanbloodytastic. However I’d rather be watching something else, or reading, or actually swimming or something (definitely not running though), or having a bath, or anything really.

You can love it, that’s fine. You do you, and I’ll do me, and everyone is happy. Viva la difference.

One thing I have learned recently is that people feel VERY passionately about whichever sport they support and they don’t take even gentle pisstaking lightly. Equine lovers, for instance, do not appreciate it when you refer to dressage ‘Horse Dancing’ (soz, Suzannah) and imply that possibly, to a brand new onlooker who has never witnessed it before, it may appear just little bit daft. Note to self: Never piss off horsey people. They don’t find that shit funny.

Horses are the only animals at the Olympics, which seems a shame because animals are great aren’t they (except for horses, they’re big and angry and scary, even though they only eat grass and it’s not RIGHT, don’t @ me) – and it made me think about this video which I’ve had in my head now for about a week solid:

ANYWAY, on to the post.

I asked people ‘if we had to replace the Dressage/BMXing/Skateboarding or whatever particular sport you personally deem to be boring, daft or a waste of time, what should it be replaced by?’ and here are 50-odd of the best ideas:

50-odd Olympic events we might actually relate to:

1. Getting a fitted sheet that’s slightly shrunk in the tumble dryer onto a king-size bed
2. Folding a fitted sheet
3. Changing a king-sized duvet on your own (NB Suggest this could be a triathlon-style bedmaking event)
4. Changing the bedding in a high-sleeper or top bunk
5. Doing the washing, drying and putting away in the space of one day before any new laundry is created
6. Pushing a shopping trolley around Aldi with a baby in a sling and a toddler in the trolley
7. Carrying as many items as you can in your arms because you forgot your bag and don’t want to pay 20p
8. Aldi check out speed-packing
9. Completing your shop at a self checkout while avoiding unexpected items in the bagging area. All products must be bagged. Time finishes when you lift bags from the scales.
10. Carrying in all of the weekly shop in one go
11. Avoiding making eye contact with that person you know but don’t really want to stop and chat to in every aisle of the supermarket
12. Fitting the entire Tesco delivery your ordered when you were slightly hangry into the fridge
13. Loading the car after an epic trip to IKEA
14. Putting flatpack together with your significant other without arguments
15. Getting into a pair of jeans that have just been tumble dried
16. Putting on a sports bra
17. Taking off a sports bra
18. Painting your nails and letting them dry properly before fucking them up
19. Doing up the poppers on your bodysuit whilst drunk
20. Having a piss while wearing a jumpsuit after two glasses of wine
21. Walking on heels over cobbles or along a pier (expert level: While inebriated)
22. Getting the key in the front door on the first attempt after a night of cocktails
23. Matching and emptying the odd sock bag
24. Plugging in a USB correctly on the first try
25. Finding matching Tupperware lids to the pots in a random kitchen (maybe mine)
26. Shaving your legs: This one is for competitors who are 8 months pregnant+
27. Catching a determined runaway toddler (with addition of a baby in a buggy at expert level)
28. Scooping out a floating bath poop before it disperses in to a thousand tiny little bits or is grabbed by the poopee and smeared everywhere
29. Applying suncream to a toddler (expert: Twin event)
30. Putting gloves on a toddler
31. Keeping a hat on a baby
32. Doing the poppers up on a babygro at 3am after 2 hours sleep
33. Dual event: Getting a toddler and a baby both bathed and in their pyjamas by 7pm
34. Getting out of the bedroom in silence, ninja style after soothing your child to sleep
35. Getting a toddler that has turned into an ironing board into a car seat
36. Finding all the pieces to the Tomy plastic Tomy eggs, assembling them in the correct shape slot with a matching lid, the quickest
37. Putting a nappy on a newly mobile baby
38. Getting a child to put their shoes without raising your voice
39. Getting the lid off of a Tommy Tippee sippee cup without breaking a nail or screaming
40. Inserting the straw into a Capri sun without making an almighty mess
41. Eating an entire packet of crisps/biscuits without children hearing
42. Finding all the nerf bullets on your lawn before you mow
43. Expert level: Can also be done with dog poo
44. Trampolining: Pelvic floor event. Bounce. Try not to piss yourself
45. Pretending to be interested in Minecraft and YouTubers who talk about it. Disqualification for yawning or glazing over.
46. Barefoot running over a carpet strewn with toys. Some are soft and squishy. Some are Lego. In the dark.
47. Fitting a tethered car seat (expert: In a three door car)
48. Putting the cover back onto a car seat after washing puke off
49. Following a sat nav somewhere you’ve never been before with two kids arguing in the back
50. Toilet bowl target practice (men and boy’s event)
51. Getting anything out of the mouth of a dog who’s just decided it makes a good snack (could be toddler poop)
52. Picking up the third dog poo of a dog walk
53. Getting medicine into a child
54. Getting medicine into a cat
55. Dishwasher emptying: Speed event