And so we approach the end of the first week back at school for kids in England and my, hasn’t the 6 hours of daily silence been wonderful? Not having to fight with my offspring about ‘homeschooling‘ is a particular highlight I must say.
However I think I may have somewhat romanticised the idea of getting back to school; there are a lot of hurdles still to come. Why not tick them off with me?
It’s a matter of when, not if. You might think that SURELY after months of not being near any other children, nits should have been entirely eradicated, but I would stake my life savings on the fact that you would be oh so wrong (albeit that would be more convincing if I had got any life savings).
Constant handwashing is no match for bum worms. Time to burn everything!
Because of course, back to school wouldn’t be back to school without a touch of vomiting and diarrhoea.
Kid wakes up with a cough
Is it continuous? Do you have a temperature? Or should I just dust more? Argh, what are the rules again?!
Suspected COVID in the class
Cue mild panic from parents and everyone praying for a negative test result…
Forgot mask on school run
Do you try and tuck your face into your jumper? Apologise profusely to everyone you come across? Or go all the way home and be late?
I used to get a ‘Your son/daughter smacked fell over their own feet and gave themselves a bump on the head’ letter at least once a week and I predict it won’t be long before they start rolling in again.
Came home with wrong jumper
It’s not even the same bloody size AND it has someone else’s name in it! How does this happen?!
…And when asked where their brand new water bottle/jumper/lunchbox/shoe is, they shrug non-committally and say ‘I dunno’. Chances of them ever getting it back: Slim to none.
Overnight growth spurt
How on earth can your shoes be too small? You barely wore them! I’m not buying new ones now! And not only because all the bloody shops are shut.
Mid-day phone call from school
It might just be a courtesy call to remind you that it’s circus-themed lunch day tomorrow and you need to bring in a top hat and an elephant, but the panic and terror that comes from seeing the school’s number flash up on the screen cannot be paralleled.
Request for money
To fundraise for Red Nose Day/Save the Children/Children in Need/New Playground Equipment/School Roof fund/The Emotionally Vulnerable Seagulls Charity (but at least it’s unlikely to be for a school trip).
Email about parents loitering
‘This is a polite request that you go and spread your germs at each other somewhere else tyvm.
Also STICK TO THE ONE WAY SYSTEM FFS. Thanks, The Head’.
‘Could parents ensure that, when dropping off their children at school, they refrain from park in the zig zagged area. Be aware that the frustrated neighbours might take a baseball bat to your windscreen if you park there’.
Polite uniform reminder
Shops being shut doesn’t half make it hard to get hold of the right uniform. Hopefully scruffy hairstyles will be forgiven until the hairdressers open up again because my DIY efforts are terrible.
Torrential rain on school run
Starting two minutes before you leave the house and finishing five minutes after you get home. Every day of the week.
Fancy dress day
We may have escaped World Book Day this year but you know it’s only a matter of time before you’re asked to knock up a Roman Centurion outfit with less than 12 hours’ notice.
Forgot PE kit
Worst parent in the world, making your kid do PE in their school shoes. Hang thy head in shame.
Yay! Your kid has come into contact with a positive case. Another two weeks indoors. Fanbloodytastic.
After all that staying in, you bloody well got it anyway. Thanks, kids.