Yesterday I shared my reviews of some of the best – and one of the very worst – Christmas films of all time/that I happened to watch over the weekend.
Many of you over on Facebook suggested more festive films that I should watch and of all the suggestions, there was a clear winner: Hot Frosty. When I say ‘clear winner’, not one of you said ‘it’s good‘, only ‘you HAVE to watch it‘, which are different things entirely.
I never like to disappoint, so last night once my boyfriend had finished work and popped over, we sat down to witness this cinematic masterpiece. After all, it categorically could not be any worse than I Believe in Santa.
Hot Frosty: A stupid but not unwatchable Christmas movie
Hot Frosty – which absolutely sounds like the kind of depraved sex act you’d find on Urban Dictionary – is set in Hope Springs, a small town (mark that off on your Christmas film bingo cards please) where everyone knows everyone else’s business.
Our heroine is Kathy, a diner owner played by Gretchen Wieners from Mean Girls but 20 years older, who these days looks very much like a white Meghan Markle (that’s absolutely a compliment, she’s very pretty). But oh! She’s sadly widowed, proof that she is Not Entirely Unlovable, despite being tragically single. Presumably due to her lack of husband, Kathy’s home is freezing, badly maintained and has a hole in the roof. It’s not screaming ‘independent woman’, but don’t worry, she just puts on a cardigan and hopes for the best.
Enter: The Hot Snowman
Hope Springs hosts an annual ice-sculpture competition, and this year someone creates a sculpture of a realistic man. A snowman!
Kathy, hanging out with her mum’s friend who runs the local second-hand clothes shop, is handed what turns out to be a magic scarf. No explanation is ever given for the scarf. No backstory, no ancient curse, no whimsical elf. It’s just Here, have this lucky scarf, maybe it’ll get you laid.
Like the ungrateful bitch she is, she wraps the scarf around Hot Snowman’s neck and leaves it there! But while her back is turned, he springs to life. Naked of course, with the magic scarf fortunately covering his modesty and ensuring the PG status of the film. Assuming he has a penis? I don’t know how much attention to detail goes into ice sculptures to be fair. He might be like a Ken doll down there. This is not for me to worry about.
Since Kathy has buggered off, Hot Snowman (who would, I am afraid, be A LOT hotter with facial hair. Maybe they could consider this for Hot Frosty 2? I find bare chins very weird indeed) breaks into the second-hand shop to steal clothes, demonstrating that although he is but sentient ice, he has an understanding of trousers. His English is exceptionally good too for someone a few hours old.
At this point I may have missed a few plot points because I was on IMDB trying to work out where I recognised everyone from but basically the next day he sees and introduces himself to Kathy. She notices he’s freezing cold, and takes him to her doctor friend who checks him over with the professional detachment of a Love Island casting producer, but you can understand it because she’s a red blooded woman and you don’t get many eligible men in small towns. Instead of getting him institutionalised, she encourages Kathy to take him home. No such thing as stranger danger in Hope Springs.
Kathy goes to work at the diner, leaving a magical stranger alone in her dangerously crumbling house. Instead of killing her or stealing her possessions, Hot Frosty watches TV shows which teach him how to cook pizzas and fix her roof. Sentient Ice Man-1, Human Men-0.
The Sheriff Subplot
Meanwhile the town sheriff (played by Doug Judy from Brooklyn Nine-Nine) and his deputy (Boyle from Brooklyn Nine-Nine) decide the charity shop break-in is the crime of the century. They spend the film trying to catch Hot Frosty while providing light comic relief.
Snowman Gets a Job at a School (???!)
In a move that would get the entire town shut down by Ofsted: The school hires frosty as some kind of class helper with no CV, background check or explanation. Maybe I missed that bit. He proceeds to transform the school disco into an absolute banger and becomes beloved by every teacher and child in Hope Springs.
Meanwhile at home, Hot Frosty and Meghan Markle decorate for Christmas together, he fixes shit, they decorate cookies together! What would she do without him?
Then: TRAGEDY
The sheriff eventually arrests him. The whole town turns up to bail him out; he has truly captured their hearts.
But Hot Frosty is made of water, so being in a warm jail cell for more than half an hour causes him to literally melt to death in police custody. Whoops.
But wait…
Kathy cries a bit, removes the magic scarf, and somehow he comes back to life! AND he’s a normal temperature.
HE HAS TURNED INTO A REAL MAN.
Christmas magic, ladies and gets. Fully human. Fully alive. Fully ready to snog.
They go home, and the film ends with the implication that she is absolutely getting Frosty tonight.
Additional Notes:
All the older women in town are unhinged perverts and spend the film openly thirsting over Frosty. This is portrayed as cute and wholesome because he’s a man.
By the time the film is over, we have collectively watched a sentient snowman become a handyman, a school disco icon, a fugitive, a puddle, and then a man again. Christmas cinema, ladies and gents.
Rating: 7/10. Harmless fun and after sitting through I Believe In Santa I’m feeling very generous.
If you enjoyed this and you’re feeling generous, you can buy me a cup of tea or a glass of wine – or donate to my houseplant addiction fund – here.
You can also see my Amazon wish list here.